The Lint Screen

Tag: Vlad Putin

  • Putin Softens Image

    Mr Bojangles melts hearts and likes vodka in his bowl.
    Mr Bojangles melts hearts and likes Bulgarian caviar treats.

    Ruski top dog Vlad Putin is tired of getting the bum wrap of being a bad actor on the world stage, so he’s taking steps to soften his hardline image.

    Enter “Mr. Bojangles”: the first puppy of Russia and furry best friend of the prez.

    “Mr. Bojangles is adorable,” said Ivan Bakinov, a Kremlin spokesman told The Lint Screen. “Those big eye orbs of his melts hearts. President Putin plans to hold Mr. Bojangles when he announces Russian invasions or bombings. Also, when he denies involvement in the assassinations of his enemies. Aw, look at him, he just left a present on the floor–– I mean the dog, not our revered and loved president!”

    The cute puppy scampered across the shiny marble floor of the Kremlin mischievously, as if he knew he had done something bad.

    “We are teaching Mr. Bojangles how to dance for you,” said Mr. Bakinov as he mopped his brow. “That should take the heat off President Putin and provide amusement for media newsniks. Now leave,” he commanded TLS reporter, “or you will be shot.”

    The Lint Screen reporter ran away crying, trying not to drip tears on the Kremlin floor.

  • Putin Kills Galifinakis

    Greek funny man killed by serious Russian madman
    Greek funny man killed by serious Russian madman

    In a classic case of misunderstanding, comedian Zach Galifinakis heard that Russian leader Vladimir Putin wanted to appear on his show “Between Two Ferns” because “he wanted to kill.” The chubby comic thought this meant that the top commie wanted to “kill” in the comedy sense of making the audience laugh. Instead, Putin appeared on the show and bludgeoned Galifinakis to death with a dull machete.

    Insiders say that the Russian leader was upset that President Barack Obama recently was a guest between the ferns and was considered funny by many people. Putin wanted “to appear strong, not like a pantywaist clown-man-child.”

    Obama appeared on “Between Two Ferns” to promote his signature legislation, The Affordable Care Act. Although the jury is still out if his appearance boosted enrollment, one body was conspicuously absent: the dead body of Zach Galifinakis.

    Ironically, he died with no insurance which was tragic since paramedics were available to treat him but instead let him bleed out due to lack of insurance.

    Pussy Riot will play at the comedian’s funeral.

  • Sticky Fingers Putin

    Putin stole my trophy!
    Putin stole my trophy!

    Now that Robert Kraft has ratted-out Rooskie leader Vlad Putin as a no goodnik thief, I want to tell my story of how the commie head cheese stole from me.

    It was April, 2004. I had been invited by the red bigwig because Facebook had recently been launched and the Vladster wanted to know if he should join–– and if so, what his “friending strategy” should be.

    As was my habit back then, I traveled with my second place spelling bee trophy from the fourth grade class of St. Pat’s Elementary School in Hubbard, Ohio. Although I was a junior in high school when I had won the trophy, I was proud of my incredible accomplishment and recognition.

    Anyway, I showed the trophy to Putin and he was impressed with its heft. “I could kill someone with this,” he quipped.

    “Yes,” I said, “and then write a letter-perfect obituary for your victim.”

    Vlad liked my joke and he crouched low and began doing that crazy Russin kicking dance. Then he kick-danced out the door with my trophy in hand. I went to follow him but six large K.G.B. agents surrounded me. “Bad idea, comrade,” one of them said to me. “Let it go, dude,” said another.

    So I did nothing. Later at a meeting, I requested that the trophy be returned, but Putin just looked at me, cocked his head and said, “And you are?…”

    Four years later, Putin finally did join Facebook and he “friended” me. I’ve yet to respond.

    I want my Buster Buzzy Bee-Bee back!