war on terror

New Weapon Unleashed In War on Terror

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U.S. intelligence officials announced today they are “fighting terror with sorrow” by deploying Smookie The Sad Kitten on known terrorist websites. “We’ve been working on the technology under wraps for years,” John Smith (not his real name, it’s an alias for Chuck Windowbee of Arlington, Virginia) told The Lint Screen. “We decided it was time … Read more

Pre-K Commencement Address

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Recently I was asked to give the commencement address to “The Cherished Sweet Angels Pre-K” graduating class. Here’s my speech in its entirety with editorial comments:

Good morning, Cherished Sweet Angels, and congratulations on receiving a sheepskin for doing little more than poking straws into juice boxes and for rarely mistaking glue sticks for ChapSticks. (TITTERS OF NERVOUS LAUGHTER FROM PARENTS AND CHILDREN.) For these incredible accomplishments we are gathered to honor and blow smoke up your graduation gowns. (ANGRY STARES FROM PARENTS. CHILDREN LOOK BORED.)