The Lint Screen

Tag: XBox

  • The Battle Hymn of The Kitten Mom

    The Battle Hymn of The Kitten Mom: Meeeow!
    Yale Professor Amy Chua’s recently published book The Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother about raising children ‘the Chinese way’ now has a yang to its yin: The Battle Hymn of The Kitten Mom by American homemaker Sheila Burblang.

    Burblang, the mother of three children ages eleven, nine and five, lives in Alemeda, California and became incensed when she saw Chua on a talk show discussing her book.

    “Here was this Asian lady talking about not letting her kids have sleepovers, watch TV, play video games or do nothing but study hard, play pianos and violins and get straight A’s in school, said Burblang. “That may be the Chinese way, but it’s time someone stood up to raising kids the American way. So I wrote my book.”

    Here are some excerpts.

    “Poor Jimmy is bummed. All his friends are getting PS3’s and we still have an Xbox. ‘I’m tired of the crappy graphics on this dinosaur!’ Jimmy shouted while we were having dinner the other night. ‘Why can’t I ever get anything good?!’ I talked it over with my husband and it looks like someone will be getting an early birthday present!”

    “Lisa woke up this morning and didn’t feel like going to school. ‘What’s wrong, precious angel?’ I asked. ‘The teacher keeps trying to make us learn really hard stuff,’ she began sobbing. ‘Well, honey, it will get easier, you’ll see. You just have to do your best and make mommy and daddy very proud!’ She began crying hard and shouting that she had the worst life ever! Then, she threw a book at my head. I felt so badly for her that I told her it might be a good sick day for her. I called the school and explained that she was ill. I’m looking into getting a tutor for the poor little thing– I don’t want our five year old to feel defeated!”

    “Thomas is really upset with his baseball coach, and I can’t say that I blame him. The man is an overbearing tyrant!!! At yesterday’s game, Thomas hit a pop-up toward the first baseman. Thomas figured it was an easy out so he dropped his bat and went back to the dugout swearing because he felt the pitcher cheated him by throwing the ball where Thomas wasn’t expecting it. Anyway, the kid playing first base dropped the ball, then tripped on his shoes on the way to first, stepped on the base and then dropped the ball again but the catcher ran up and got the ball and stepped on first base so Thomas was out. WELL, the coach was upset at Thomas because he thought that if Thomas had run out the hit, he would have had an easy single since the clumsy first baseman dropped the ball. Well, Thomas got really angry because he said that the coach had been trying to crush his spirit ever since Thomas came on the team and Thomas wasn’t going to allow some washed-up adult wannabe-athlete bruise his ego and self confidence with his never- ending criticism and riding his butt over tiny things like having to do stupid things like run out every hit. Thomas threw a bat at the coach and stormed out of the dugout. I felt so sorry for Thomas, we stopped at Dairy Queen on the ride home and got him a big banana split and onion rings!!! Tomorrow I’m going to complain to the league commissioner about that mean coach and see if I can’t get him fired! I’m also going to stop by the trophy shop and see if I can just buy Thomas a big baseball trophy so he doesn’t have to deal with all this hyper-competitive crap!”

    “Jimmy brought home his report card today. He got one B, three C’s and two D’s. I told him we were very proud of his B and that the C’s prove he’s an average kid– although we think he’s WAY ABOVE AVERAGE!!! But then I asked him to kindly PLEASE see if he couldn’t do something about raising those two D’s a little bit. Well, Jimmy got furious and threw his new PS3 controller at me. It broke into pieces so now we’re going to have to get a new one… plus, I had to get six stitches in my forehead and goodness knows how much the insurance is going to cover!!! Jeesh, parenting spirited children in a tough job…”

  • Think of The Children!

    Many parents are outraged that President Barack Obama will soon be speaking directly to their children at schools via a “magic picture box” called TV.

    Some parents are so upset, they are keeping their children out of school to avoid the political nature of Obama’s speech. Who could blame them?!

    Quick-- duck, cover, hide, children-- it's The President!
    Quick– duck, cover, hide, children! It’s The President!

    The White House recently shared an advance copy of the speech in hopes of quieting angry parents. Fat chance! Listen to some of the outrageous things Obama will be telling our children:

    “… get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV, or with that Xbox.” WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? THIS IS AMERICA, IF MY KIDS WANT TO WATCH TV OR PLAY XBOX INSTEAD OF DOING HOMEWORK, THAT’S THEIR RIGHT. IT SAYS SO IN THE CONSTITUTION!

    Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. HEY, WHAT AM I PAYING TAXES FOR? WHY SHOULD MY KIDS HAVE TO DISCOVER WHAT THEY’RE GOOD AT? AND WHO DOES OBAMA THINK HE IS ASKING MY KIDS TO WORK? DOES MY TAX MONEY PAY THEIR ALLOWANCES?! I DON’T THINK SO.

    “And no matter what you want to do with your life– I guarantee you’ll need an education to do it.” OH YEAH? WHAT IF MY KIDS WIN THE LOTTERY? THAT DON’T TAKE NO BOOK LEARNIN’… AND THEY MIGHT JUST DO IT, CAUSE IT’S THEIR RIGHT… SAYS SO IN THE CONSTITUTION!

    “We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems.” OUR FOREFATHERS DIDN’T DIE TO MAKE OUR KIDS SOLVE DIFFICULT PROBLEMS. THEY SOLVED THEM AND PUT THE ANSWERS IN THE CONSTITUTION SO OUR KIDS COULD WATCH TV AND PLAX XBOX INSTEAD OF HURTING THEIR HEADS THINKING.

    My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at time to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things other kids had. HEY, DUDE, YOU’RE BUMMING MY KIDS OUT! LIGHTEN UP, BUDDY!

    “… I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.” WHERE’S HE GET OFF TELLING MY KIDS TO WASH THEIR HANDS?! TELL THE GOVERNMENT TO KEEP THEIR GRUBBY SOCIALISTIC MITTS OFF MY KIDS’ SANITARY HABITS. AND IF THEY GO TO SCHOOL SICK AND SOME OTHER KID GETS THE FLU, TOUGH LUCK. THAT’S THE DEMOCRACY OF GERMS AND THEY ARE PROTECTED UNDER THE CONSTITUTION.

    “If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.” IF MY KIDS ARE STUPID, THAT’S NONE OF THE LIBERAL GOVERNMENT’S BEE’S WAX. IF THEY DOESN’T WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME STUDYING, SO WHAT– XBOX IS MORE FUN AND THAT’S THEIR CHOICE! MAYBE THE GOVERNMENT SHOULDN’T GIVE BAD GRADES IN THE FIRST PLACE. I THINK IT SAYS IN THE CONSTITUTION THAT ALL AMERICANS ARE STRAIGHT-A STUDENTS!!!

    “Don’t be afraid to ask help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new.” NOW THAT JUST PUTS A CHERRY ON IT! IF MY KIDS DON’T KNOW SOMETHING THEY SHOULD JUST ACT LIKE THEY DO… AND HOW DID WE EVEN ELECT A PRESIDENT WHO DOESN’T KNOW EVERYTHING? HE’S SUPPOSED TO. SAYS SO IN THE CONSTITUTION.

    “I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down– don’t let your family or your country or yourself down.” IF MY KIDS WANT TO SERVE HEAPING DISHES OF DISAPPOINTMENT, THAT’S THEIR BUSINESS. THEY DON’T HAVE TO TRY JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SO, MR. SUIT-WEARING-LIVING-IN-A-BIG-WHITE-HOUSE GUY. QUIT PUTTING SO MUCH PRESSURE ON MY KIDS– IT’LL PLAY MIND GAMES ON THEM WHEN THEY’RE PLAYING XBOX!!!