With the nonhuman presidential campaign in full swing, candidates are vying for votes wherever they can be found. And the winner of the New Hampshire primary, Big ol’ Slab o’ Granite is making a play for those who believe the moral fabric of America has become unraveled.
In a statement issued today, Granite promised that if elected it would institute an official ‘National Sex Registry’ cataloging all humans and ‘their Satanic sin zones.’ Humans wishing to engage in sexual relations would be required to produce a marriage certificate, file an official Request for Sexual Relations form and write a 500-word essay on why they feel the need to do their naughty deed. A panel of experts would review the paperwork and determine whether the relations should occur or not. The interested human parties would have to abide by the ruling. Should they be rejected and proceed to engage in unlawful carnal relations, they would face taunting in the public square and imprisonment.
In the statement, Granite proclaimed, “There is too much government in American lives today. This program uses government resources for the purposes our founding fathers intended: to ensure Americans behave without allowing their hormones to ruin their morality. It’s not more government, it’s government that helps more people live more righteous lives. I’m sure America will embrace this plan when I am elected president.”
500 word essays, huh? Sounds like a great business opportunity for unemployed advertising copywriters, not to mention English majors (struggling poets and novelists) who’ve grown tired of working as baristas.
Right you are, Mr. Scribe. This could be a boon for employment. Granite may gave struck on a huge idea here. Sex could become a thing of the past. The population drops and more available jobs for all!
I voted today. No Granite on the ballot. I should have known something was up when I couldn’t find a Granite yard sign anyplace. Next!
Teams have been working on placement of Granite yard signs. Unfortunately, those installing signs keep getting hernias and strained backs.
Stay tuned. Thanks, Citizen Bill.