Watergate had Deep Throat, and now SPYGATE has an even Deeper Throat–– an anonymous insider at the FBI who told The Lint Screen about all the shenanigans afoot by the evil Deep State dedicated to dethroning Donald J. Trump.
“I’ve been with the FBI sixteen years,” the ‘Deeper Deep Throat’ said. “The truth is we have always been stooges and stormtroopers for liberals. When Trump became the GOP nominee, beating out the most talented field of competitors in the history of the world, Hillary Clinton summoned a team of senior FBI officials to a secret meeting at her mansion. I walked in the door and witnessed an orgy going on with loud rock and roll music and the smell of reefer cigarettes. There was a crowd of naked liberals lubed-up and doing the most disgusting and immoral things you can imagine. Horrendous acts. Very bad things.” The agent’s eyes fill with tears as he collects himself and speaks.
“I saw Nancy Pelosi skinning infants and making a coat for herself. Bill Clinton was showing home movies of Hillary killing Vince Foster. Clinton bragged about how his wife sold all the U.S. uranium deposits to our enemies and pocketed the proceeds spending them on sex toys and devil worshipping gear. Hillary held court showing people her missing emails. She was boasting about intentionally orchestrating Benghazi and declared, ‘but they’ll never take Queenie down!’ She began cackling. I couldn’t believe what I saw. James Comey saw the shock on my face and pulled me aside. ‘Listen up, mister innocence, if you see something, say nothing. Nothing! These are our masters, our overlords, and we are their puppets and servants. Never forget that!”
The Fed exhales deeply and chokes back tears. “I always thought the FBI was independent, but now I was seeing how things really worked. This Clinton party was madness. I saw Bob Mueller wearing a Grateful Dead tee shirt at the top of the stairs. He had six ends of a hookah pipe in his mouth. He toked and smiled as a cloud of thick smoke surrounded him. He gave me a peace sign. Obama was burning an American flag and waving his fake birth certificate. ‘I fooled America, and I’m dismantling democracy!’ he shouted. Then my eyes caught Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing shots of tequila and lines of cocaine off a naked Chippendale dancer’s chest and crotch. I became worried about our country. I love America passionately, and these people seemed determined to destroy it.”
The agent breaks down sobbing as this reporter awkwardly stares out the window and whistles. Twenty minutes later, the informant continues.
“Hillary shouted for everyone to listen up. She wanted them to stop their illicit sex acts, wanton drug use, and blatant disrespect for our country. Colin Kaepernick got up off his knee. It was instantly quiet. She demanded the FBI to begin a covert operation against candidate Trump immediately. ‘He is much too smart a businessman and patriot to occupy the Oval Office,’ she said. ‘If Donald J. Trump is elected, he will truly make America great again, and we can’t have that.’ She said that since Trump had such high moral standards and was such a boy scout, the FBI would have to plant evidence to frame him and make him look bad. ‘You guys have your work cut out,’ Hillary said. ‘Trump is as honest and trustworthy as the day is long.'”
The agent says that he is parched and asks for a club soda over cherry Kool-Aid ice cubes with a slice of Thailand mango and a red paper umbrella with a white buffalo artwork. This reporter whipped up his drink as the agent continues his tale of treason.
“Mrs. Clinton commanded Comey to re-open the FBI investigation into her missing emails right before the election. She said that would lull Trump into a confident state and make him more vulnerable. Obama said the FBI must tap Trump’s phones and he wants to listen in. They connived to arrange meetings between Russians and members of Trump’s family. The poor Trump people thought the Russians were interested in marketing a Trump Vodka. They also arranged for an operative named Stormy Daniels to try and seduce him. What a joke, right? As if Trump could be disloyal after taking the sacred vows of marriage to Melania. When Trump refused Stormy’s advances, she asked him for $130,000 for college tuition. He paid it because he believes in the power of education. All the things you see fake news reporting today, they were all planned back then at that party. Even Russian oligarchs flooding money inside Trump properties to make it look like money laundering, and him playing nice with Putin because the Russian leader had the infamous pee tape and was blackmailing Trump.”
The distraught agent shakes his head in disbelief and speaks softly. “This entire SPYGATE caper is the biggest scandal and witch hunt ever. It’s the product of pure evil, an attempt to besmirch the good name of a great man and true patriot. There’s a reason Trump had the largest inauguration crowd ever. He’s the best. As someone who knows intelligence, I’ll tell you this: the only people you should trust are the ones named Trump or Hannity. They are truly the bastions of truth and justice. I’ll say no more.”
With that, the agent stopped his infernal blabbering about SPYGATE and spent forty-five minutes trying to sell this reporter a commemorative Trump Nobel Peace Prize medallion “on the cheap.”