And it came to pass that the glorious two met, the brothers in nuclear arms. The Lint Screen was there with this transcript from the first face-to-face conservation between Donald J. Trump and Kim Jong-un.
DT: Hello, Kimmie. I call you Kimmie because you are my friend.
KJ: Hello, Mr. T.
DT: I call Putin Pootie. My nickname.
KJ: Clever.
DT: Kimmie, I’m sure we’re going to have tremendous chemistry and forge an incredible relationship. We’ll have amazing talks. The best talks.
KJ: Absolutely. For sure. Dude.
DT: We are two of the world’s greatest leaders. Ever. Much better than Justin Trudeau. He’s dishonest.
KJ: Weak.
DT: Lots of people think I’ll win a Nobel Prize for meeting you and bringing about peace in the world.
KJ: I will win NBA Championship.
DT: Done. You’ve won it. I will invite you and Dennis Rodman to the White House. Not the Golden State Warriors. They’re very unAmerican. I’ll deport Steph Curry.
KJ: I learned how to drive at age three.
DT: I have a very good brain.
KJ: My brain is the smartest ever.
DT: I had the largest inauguration crowd in history.
KJ: When I was nine, I won yachting races.
DT: I invented yachts. Water, too.
KJ: I have had people killed. Many people.
DT: I would have people killed if it weren’t for the stupid Congress. Laws are very strict. Too strict.
KJ: I put my uncle in front of a firing squad.
DT: I hate Congress. And the fake news media.
KJ: Chicks dig me.
DT: Me, too. Women find me irresistible. My hair is real. Go on, touch it.
KJ: Bouncy, full of body. I do not use product in my hair. Feel.
DT: Very soft. Manageable. Nice.
KJ: I invented hair.
DT: I invented heads. They’re a good place to keep hair.
KJ: I can do one-arm push-ups.
DT: I do no arm push-ups.
KJ: I can levitate.
DT: I can fly. Like a rocket. So help me, God.
KJ: You are an impressive man, Mr. T.
DT: Thanks, Kimmie. I want all your nuclear weapons. Give them to me.
KJ: Sure. Give me all of America’s wealth, and a reality TV show. And a dancing monkey who makes cotton candy. I like cotton candy.
DT: You are a shrewd negotiator, Kimmie. Let’s keep talking.
KJ: Where is Wayne Brady?
DT: ‘Let’s Make A Deal’ Wayne Brady?
KJ: Yes.
DT: Smart.
THE MEN SHOOK HANDS, AND TRUMP HOISTED MR. KIM ON HIS SHOULDERS AND PARADED HIM AROUND TRIUMPHANTLY.
Their meeting was a resounding success.
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