Suspected con artist and lowlife scumbag, Bernie Madoff, is feeling victimized, and he’s none too happy.

    Madoff acknowledged he recently paid $50 billion to an attorney representing a deposed Nigerian Prince in return for the Prince’s Greek fishing cap that the lawyer alleged “makes its owner as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli (aka THE FONZE), on TV’s ‘Happy Days’.”  The magic cap has yet to appear.

    Madoff kept the transaction a secret for over a month, but finally admitted it to this reporter after persistent questioning, a brisk noogie on the noggin and rabbit punches to the kidneys. The Lint Screen broke the story worldwide on January 14th, since then, Madoff has been inundated with offers of other Greek fishing caps with alleged “magical powers.”

    One man is offering to sell his prized Greek fishing cap “that not only makes you cool as Fonzie, it makes you cool as Steve McQueen in ‘The Great Escape’ or Don Knotts in ‘The Incredible Mr. Limpet’.” 

    Another claims “Fonzie coolness with a hefty jigger of Brando swagger and Jagger jigger.”

    One purports to have “Arctic Fonzie coolness powers and mega-respect-garnering capabilities, a la Mr. C. in ‘Happy Days’ or Aunt Bea in ‘The Andy Griffith Show’.”

    “I feel like these people are trying to take advantage of me,” said a visibly distraught Madoff. “I spent $50 billion for a Greek fishing cap from Nigeria that never shows up, and it’s like blood’s in the water with these sharks circling me. What did I do to deserve this kind of shoddy treatment? Geez louise, I’m mister happy-go-lucky-go-with-the-flow-lend-a-helping-hand-to-my-fellow-man-que-sera-sera-whatever-will-be-will-be, and this is the thanks I get?! It’s not fair, I tells ya, not fair at all!” With that, Madoff spits on the ground and stomps a foot.

    If only Madoff had his magic Greek fishing cap, maybe then he could keep his cool. But it appears there is no forecast for coolness in Madoff’s future.

     Poor man.