13 Things You Didn’t Know About Lincoln

Were it not for Abraham Lincoln, our sweet 16 president, these United States would not be quite so united. The other day was Lincoln’s 200th birthday, and were he alive today, he would be the oldest man ever–– paying some of the highest health insurance premiums ever.

Only two people have had more books written about them than Mr. Lincoln. Guess who? (Hint:  it’s not Vic Tayback and Pat Sajak.)

Still, with all the volumes written on this great man, there are some lesser known facts you might like to know and pepper into your conversations. Here are my favorite obscure Lincoln facts:
1. Lincoln was the first president to wear silk undergarments.

1. Abe like him some flapjacks with molasses for breakfast, but he didn’t eat with utensils as “they have ill humors about them. It’s spooky, man, freaks me out.”

2.  Contrary to the legend, he did not write the Gettysburg Address on the back of an envelope. Fact is, he wrote it hastily on a Mac Powerbook 23o, which was pretty ancient even back then.

3.  Lincoln suffered bouts of melancholia brought on by binges of listening to Barry Manilow music and the knowledge he would be assassinated at Ford’s Theatre and never get to see the end of the play, which really sucks when you’ve paid retail for tickets.

4.  Many people alleged that Mary Lincoln was a bit bonkers. Actually, she was just a carefree, madcap kind of zany cut-up who enjoyed a little attention. Besides, her imaginary friend, the rainbow unicorn, told her to act-up.

5.  Lincoln used to use a shiny penny as a form of identification. “Look, it’s me, see?!”

6.  Honest Abe told George Washington’s dad it was he (Lincoln) who chopped down the cherry tree. Ol’ man Washington whupped Abe good while George giggled into a throw pillow.

7.  Lincoln was known for his razor sharp wit. He wanted to open his second inaugural address with, “A Rabbi, Priest and Minister walk into a saloon…”  He was talked out of it by aides.

8.  Believe it or not, Lincoln never saw any of the “Star Wars” films. George Lucus sued.

9.  At one time Lincoln had a mustache and a beard, however, he fell behind in his payments on the lip hair and it was repo-ed. Throughout his life he struggled to keep up on his beard payments and was saving for a unibrow.

10.  Lincoln was a poor gift giver. No matter what the occasion, the recipient could be heard to say the familiar refrain, “Oh, look at that–– Lincoln Logs. Just what I wanted…”

12.  President Lincoln sported an impressive six pack of abs and worked the weights to add firepower to his substantial guns. He was quite proud of his “gloriously rockin’ bod” and liked to lube his torso during cabinet meetings. Some cabinet members found it terribly disturbing. Others, quite fetching.

13.  Lincoln always said, “If I live to be 200, I wonder if I’ll be remembered with little known facts about me on some website called The Lint Screen. What is a website, anyway?”

Silly tall bearded favorite president, yes, you’re remembered! Happy belated Lincoln’s 200th Birthday!  Now, let the guessing begin for the identity of the two people more popular than Lincoln as book subjects, or if you have some lesser known facts…