Millions of Americans are upset because their New Year’s resolutions have failed already, not even one full week into 2010.
“I swore I was going to drop 140 pounds,” said 295 pound Paul Obsurlk of Destin, Florida, “but I stepped on the scale today and I’ve gained three pounds. It’s just not right and I blame Obama!”
Kim Wrallings of Beechgrove, Tennessee vowed to quit smoking on New Year’s eve, but she lit-up shortly after waking on New Year’s day. “It was like I was totally helpless,” she said lighting a cigarette off the burning ember of the one she had been smoking. “All Obama talked about when he was running was ‘hope’ and I was hoping to quit. I feel betrayed, and when I feel betrayed I smoke even more,” the angry woman said flicking her lighted butt into this reporter’s face.
In Nampa, Idaho, Will Benttonfir blames the federal government for his failure to become a marathon runner. “I swore I’d run a marathon in 2010, but when I went out on January 1 and ran to the end of the block, I threw my cookies into a neighbor’s mailbox. I’m not up for 26 miles of that kind of pain and misery. Frankly I expected more from Washington. A lot more.”
Paul Flaxmoor of Manlius, New York also blames politicians for his woes. “I was going to be a big lottery winner and get out of the hellhole of a job I’ve got. But I haven’t won diddly-squat and I’m and really disappointed in our elected officials.”
When asked how much money Flaxmoor had spent on lottery tickets, the 61-year old salesman became livid. “Tickets? What do you mean ‘tickets?’ Don’t go talking to me about technicalities!” With that, the angry man slugged this reporter in the gut.
Patrick, I’m looking forward to your next topic. The photo you’re featuring on this one causes me to instantly bolt to another web page.
All right… be on the lookout for something new shortly.