Political Parties Dissolve, Sponsorship Evolves

As a result of the recent Supreme Court ruling permitting unlimited election finance support of politicians and political causes by corporations, unions and special interest groups, the venerable Democratic and Republican parties are dissolving in favor of direct politician sponsorship.

This means that soon you may see politicians carry designations like, Goldman Sachs, Exxon Mobil, MetLife, FreedomWorks, Boeing, AMA, Bank of America, NEA, Lockheed Martin, KBR, Novartis, General Electric, Citi and DuPont.

“Thank goodness for this new ruling,” said a senior senator who demanded anonymity, “we can finally do what we’ve been doing for years– sucking from the corporate teat and letting them guide our hands in writing legislation they can profit by. Now we can do it without the charade of having to debate issues and causes with arcane notions like justice and equality. We can openly allow corporate fascism to rule enabling us to better serve our corporate overlords without the hindrance of the so-called people. Sure, we need them for their votes, but that’s about it. After the election, they just get in the way of things. There’s no need for people in a democracy like ours.”

Asked if this new corporate sponsorship will be like NASCAR sponsorship– with large corporate logos displayed on uniforms, the senator responded angrily, “Don’t be preposterous. That would be tacky. We’ll simply wear lapel pins with tasteful logos to show our sponsor support. We’re not whorish shills, you know.”

Financial companies are elated with the new ruling. “Now we can really help the country with some of our innovative financial ideas,” said a high ranking official who threatened death to this reporter if his identity was disclosed. “Years ago we had to maneuver and work backroom deals to get things like the Glass-Steagall Act overturned. That allowed us to gamble with the housing market finances. Now we don’t have to be so secretive, we can be open about lining the pockets of lawmakers to get laws that favor us without bothersome government oversight or restrictions. If our financial ideas fail, who cares– taxpayers will bail us out. The Supreme Court’s recently ruling ensures a much more transparent buying of politicians, and frankly, what could be more American than that?”

With that, the Wall Street bigwig lit a Cuban Monte Cristo cigar with a burning $1,000 bill and exclaimed, “Hrrrrummmph!”