New Tiger Texts Revealed

Tiger Woods has been combatting a flurry of bad press concerning the explicit text messages he allegedly sent porn star Joslyn James over a nine week period last year during their alleged torrid sexual affair. In a surprising development, just before the Masters Golf Tournament, someone in Tiger’s inner circle of confidants has leaked a new set of texts allegedly sent by Mr. Woods to an unnamed person that may prove the world’s greatest golfer is a lovesick husband devoted to his wife– not some perv creepazoid. The anonymous source said Tiger would be greatly upset if these texts were made public, but, the associate feels the truth is more important than Tiger’s fragile feelings.

Here are the newly released texts.

Tiger:Sent: 1:06 PM 8/4/2009:
Been thinking a lot about breakfast cereals. Think I like Frosted Flakes best– could be the whole Tiger feeling bro-love for Tony The Tiger LOL Froot Loops is a close second.

Tiger:Sent: 1:07 PM 8/4/2009:
Changed my mind. Froot Loops is da bomb. Frosted Flakes make my teeth hurt. Too sweet!

Tiger:Sent: 1:08 PM 8/4/2009:
Who am I kidding? I mix Frosted Flakes WITH Froot Loops. I call it “Tiger’s Tony The Tiger Froot Loopty-Doo Mash-Up!”

Tiger:Sent: 2:03 PM 8/4/2009:
I love my wife so much;-) I would never ever cheat on her. EVER!

Tiger:Sent: 8:16 PM 8/5/2009:
Cantalope or honeydew for morning melon? Cantalope for me. But not if it’s too ripe. If it’s mushy, it’s in the garbage. Tiger don’t play that. End of discussion.

Tiger:Sent: 10:06 AM 8/10/2009:
I sure do love my wife a whole bunch. Gonna send her flowers, candy, box of diamonds and a luxury SUV with premium sound system. Maybe even a crate of Omaha Steaks!

Tiger:Sent: 7:06 AM 8/14/2009:
Was thinking about that guy Marconi who invented the radio, and how close his name was to ‘macaroni’, but he didn’t invent THAT cuz everyone knows it was done by Yankee Doodle Dandy sticking a feather in his hat and everything. Hey, I love my wife!

Tiger:Sent: 5:43 PM 8/16/2009:
Before I putt, I like to think about how much my wife means to me:-} Man, I love that woman! Makes me wanna write poetry…

Tiger:Sent: 9:11 PM 8/20/2009:
Fidelity is important in sound systems and marriage. I’m as true fidelity to my wife as possible, and that ‘sounds’ like the key to a long, successful, divorce-free marriage{:-)

Tiger:Sent: 2:41 AM 8/23/2009:
Having trouble sleeping. Miss my wife. Sting was right– the bed’s too big without her. I love my cupcake so much it hurts when I’m not with her:-)(

Tiger:Sent: 10:36 PM 8/28/2009:
Played golf today and found three balls– almost new!!! I love when that happens, but not as much as I love my wife:-)

Tiger:Sent: 7:12 PM 9/2/2009:
Forgiveness is the most important quality anyone can have, and I married a woman who is rich in forgiveness. It’s what makes her so lovable to me– her ability to forgive anything I may do no matter what! She’s got a huge forgiving heart and I really love her ;-})

Tiger:Sent: 10:30 PM 9/8/2009:
I hope no one EVER reads these text messages… they’re kind of embarrassing cuz they make me sound pretty head over heels for my terrific wife who I love so much. But what the heck, I am! I love my wife, love my wife, love my wife and that’s the TRUTH!

Tiger:Sent: 7:51 PM 9/14/2009:
Did I mention I love my wife? I do, I really do and would NEVER chase skanks because I want to stay married to my wonderful wife and not go through an expensive, messy divorce. These texts are on the level. Seriously– straight up on the level.