Canine Commencement Chat

While I did not receive the call from Harvard, Oxford, Stanford or Cambridge to address their graduating classes, I did receive an invitation to make the official commencement address to graduates of The New Bark City Obedience School. These 22 special canines had successfully completed one of the most respected disciplinary regimens in the southeast. Here is a transcript of my speech in its entirety.

“Good morning, my furry four-footed friends. WHOA, SOMEONE’S EXCITED TO SEE ME– DOWN, BOY, DOWN! SIT, BOY, SIT! That’s a good boy. That’s a very good boy, oh, yes he is! Oh, yes he is!!!

My tail-wagging friends, as you go forward into the world, I want each of you to remember these important lessons of life… NO! NO! BAD BOY! DOWN! DO NOT HUG MY LEG! PLEASE, THESE ARE NEW PANTS! DOWN, BOY, DOWN— TEACHERS, DOES ANYONE HAVE A TREAT? GOOD, THANKS. LOOK, BOY— A YUMMY TREAT IF YOU GET DOWN! DISMOUNT MY LEG, PLEASE. DOWN, BOY, DOWN!!! Oh, that’s it. Good boy. Here’s your treat. Now, get back in line. That’s it, good boy. Thank you. Who’s a good doggie? You’re a good doggie! Oh, yes you are! Oh, yes you are!

Um, where was I? Oh yeah, important lessons of life. First, you must always remember that NOW STOP THAT! NO BARKING! YOU THREE, STOP BARKING, I’M TALKING HERE! PLEASE! I NEED SILENCE. DON’T YOU WANT TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY?! OH, GREAT, NOW ALL OF YOU ARE BARKING. QUIET! NOW! SILENCE! COULD I GET A LITTLE HELP HERE? TEACHERS, PLEASE?!!! A LITTLE NOISE CONTAINMENT, PLEASE!

(NOTE: For the next six minutes, recording equipment picked-up loud barking, growling and angry cursing by the esteemed speaker. Finally, order was restored.)

O.K., I hope you’ve all gotten your bad behavior out of your systems. Now, I’d like to continue with my important lessons of life. Number one, never forget that NO, NOT AGAIN! WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS LONELY DOG OFF MY LEG?! THESE PANTS ARE NEW AND I DON’T WANT THEM RUINED. PLEASE, A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE, MY VIRGIN LEG IS BEING ASSAULTED BY THIS EXCITED BEAST…

(NOTE: The speech ended abruptly as the speaker and his anxious mate were hit with the garden hose and eventually separated. The angry speaker stormed away in a huff. The dogs chased him and barked.)