In the aftermath of his Rolling Stone interview in which General Stanley McChrystal said many critical things about his Commander in Chief and others, then wrote a letter of resignation that was accepted by President Obama, a new batch of quotes have surfaced. Printed here in a Lint Screen exclusive are some of the other inflammatory quotes said by the former commander of US forces in Afghanistan.
“Most Taliban have God-awful breath. I always try to feed them some Altoids.”
“I don’t really like coconut, and anyone who does should be shot.”
“Don’t even get me going on bagpipes…”
“Coke versus Pepsi? No contest– Coke! Obama probably likes Pepsi! Unbelievable, this guy.”
“Roman numerals suck!”
“Afghanistan will never be a popular tourist attraction. There’s too many bullets in the air.”
“Song for song, I think The Monkees were better than The Beatles.”
“Obama would never have the guts to fire me. He’s afraid of me– Biden, too.”
“I think Sweet’N Low is too sweet. Always have.”
“Hush Puppy shoes? Yeah, they’re ugly, but comfortable for sure.”
“bin Laden has no sense of style. He looks like he’s dressed out of the rag bag.”
“The Detroit Lions are better than people think. Take it to the bank.”
“Favorite music? Barbershop quartet!”
“I likes me some whiskey and Fritos for unwind time.”
“I could beat David Petraeus in an arm wrestling match, bet on it!”
“Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot. Especially in red. So’s that Sarah Palan– meow!”
“The scent of Old Spice nauseates me. More of a Brut 33 guy myself.”
“Justin Bieber’s a cute kid, nice voice and all, but I don’t dig his music all that much.”
“This is all off the record, right?”
According to my sources in Afghanistan, you missed a few McChrystal quotes:
“Whaddya think of Karzai’s cap and cape. Gay, right?”
“Rotten war I’m in. No smell of napalm in the morning.”
“Wanna hear me belch the national anthem?”
“When I retire, I wanna meet Vanna White.”
“Michelle Obama is one hot mama, right?”
“Somebody oughta write a field manual about jock itch.”
“Afghanistan needs root beer floats.”
“The French call french fries ‘frites.’ What’s that about?”
“I want to command Todd Palin’s unit.”
“You’d need a burqa the size of Iowa to cover Jay Leno’s chin.”
“Goat BBQ sucks.”
“Rachel Maddow’s coming to Afghanistan. Yeah, I’d hit on her.”
“My malt beverage of choice is Colt 45.”
“I got the best damn full body tatts in the whole damn army!”
If his military career fizzles, I can see a TV show in his future: “McChrystal Says the Darndest Things”.
Excellent reporting, Mr. C. Wish I had caught that “Todd Palin’s unit” quote and many of the others. That General is a chatty one, isn’t he? Thanks.
Great point, Bill. Art Linkletter is dead so it shouldn’t be a problem to secure the rights to the name, and I think millions would watch. Thanks.
My sources went through their notebooks again and found some additional quotes. I’ll send them if you need material for the show Bill proposes. (Good idea, Bill.)
The problem, my sources say, is that the General and his core group of Team America commanders thought the presence of a microphone meant that they were at an open mike night in an Afghan comedy club. Not that there are many comedy clubs in Afghanistan.
While each member of the team, including the General, had spent countless hours watching the comedy concert DVDs that had been sent to them by the Pentagon for R&R, and while each member of the team was thus prepared to spritz comedic lines as rapidly as the Taliban spritzes bullets, they apparently ignored the warnings clearly visible at the start of each DVD, namely “Do not try comedy at home or in a theater of war.”
It’ll be interesting to see how the Pentagon responds to this whole affair. If, for example, it rewrites its field manuals for counterinsurgency to include a stringent rule against jokes, even perfectly innocent ones about the Commander in Chief and other civilian authorities. (The Team America guy who said “Bite Me,” for example. I say “bite me” all the time. Big deal, right?)
Sources tell me that the USO is worried that the contretemps will boil over and force the end to its entertainment tours by the likes of Bob Hope and Al Franken. Yes, Bob Hope is dead and Al Franken is now a Senator, but you get the idea. Once soldiers in a theater of war start laughing and stop thinking about killing people, what have you got? Nothing but an old fashioned quagmire.
Anyway, I’m happy that The Lint Screen (Bill, actually) has uncovered a possible post-military career for McChrystal.
He’ll no doubt want to take his budding show biz career on the road. He’s seen his wife only one month a year for… well, longer than the two of them can remember. Or maybe she won’t mind riding in the gigantic bus he’ll take when he goes on tour. (A gigantic bus with a bumper sticker that says “If this bus is rockin’, don’t come knockin’.”)
Excellent work, as always, unearthing the story behind the story lurking behind the story. This comedy angle brings the entire brouhaha into focus, with the ‘haha’ adding ironic spice.
Continue the digging of the dirt; we must expose the entire story– God know the alleged real journalists won’t.
My informants in Afghanistan tell me that the General and his core group of Team America used to hang out at Rick’s, a gin mill and comedy club in Kabul.
Once a night, sometimes even more than that, especially when a reporter was around, the General or one of his boys would always say, “Of all the gin joints, all the comedy clubs, in all the towns, in all the world, you walk into mine.”
This just in: My informants in Afghanistan also tell me that the General and his core group of Team America commanders were cross-dressers who occasionally wore camouflage burqas when they walked around command HQ in Kabul. They called the burqas their “habit.” My guy didn’t get the “habit” joke, but I did and I’m sure you will, too. (Revealing photos on the way if my informants can find the receipt for the roll of film they dropped off at Walgreen’s.)
Bad news: No photos. Film at Walgreen’s in Kabul confiscated by the Pentagon per orders of “the big guy.”
Good gravy, this entire story is as tangled as a caffeinated calf in barbed wire!
Pity the pictures cannot be found, but not surprising. The powers that be be having the power to squelch any info that could compromise their positions, not to mention their fashion sense. Perhaps they had trouble accessorizing. We may never know the full story, but thanks to you, truth seekers have dipped their beaks into the font of enlightenment.
Curvin, you make Lou Grant look like a piker! Thanks.