The Lint Screen

More Bad News, Good News

Written by

PD Scullin

in

,

Is this appropriate garb for funerals?
Relatives I don’t know are dropping like flies, but they wish to leave me their fortunes.

Should I show grief or good fortune? I’m not sure if I should wear black or a gold lamay suit. Perhaps I can find a nice black gold lamay suit.

Not a week after I was informed I’m in for a $36 million inheritance from the untimely passing of a relative I didn’t know, I find out another distant relative has croaked leaving me his fortune! The following message (reprinted exactly) came to my e-mail box:
Attention.

I am Mr Hussien Ahmed.An attorney at law in Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia. I am in an urgent need of your co-operation to re-profile the sum of $5.800,000.00 united state dollars to your name as the next of kin to a deceased client of mine whose last name you bear.

Upon the retrieval/receipt of this money in any of your designated bank account. We will share it on an agreed percentage.More details will be given to you once receive a positive response from you.

Kindly get back to me as soon as possible.

Regards,

Mr.Hussien Ahmed.

While I wish this relative had worked harder, let’s face it–– $5.8 million isn’t exactly $36 million, I will accept the money. Concerning this “agreed percentage” you wrote of, I suggest 100% for me, 0% for you. If my calculations are correct, that means you owe me $5.8 million united states dollars.

Mr. Hussien Ahmed, I thank you. I’ve forwarded all the personal financial information you requested– credit card numbers, bank account numbers, passwords, etc. Please let me know when the check’s in the mail and on its way.

Gold lamay suits ain’t cheap.

Comments

2 responses to “More Bad News, Good News”

  1. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    I received a spate of similar emails a while ago but ignored them when the names of the recently deceased relatives didn’t square with the names of the people I had seen on my family tree. Perhaps I was a little rash. A number of years ago, after all, I read that all 8 billion of us on the planet are 32nd cousins. By all means, send the representatives of your long-lost but now departed relatives all the financial information they seek.

    FYI: A shiny gold suit is probably inappropriate attire for a person mourning the passing of a dear relative even if the relative was distant. A black, somewhat understated sequined suit could work. If I were you, I’d track down the clothier who designed suits for the late Wladziu Valentino Liberace AKA “The Glitter Man,” “The King of Bling,” “Mr. Showmanship” or just plain “Liberace.” You could also visit Graceland for some tips about the sort of clothing Elvis wore.

  2. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Curvin, I’m shocked and awed that you have let golden opportunities slip by your fingertips.

    If a legal representative contacts you via the intertubes webwork, you must not look said gift horse in the mouth (lest you see tiny Trojans hiding within). Lawyers in all countries are upstanding citizens only looking to do the best for humankind. I suggest you see if you can track down these old e-mails and grab a ticket on the “dead rich relatives” gravy train. The destination is Easy Street in Fatcat City!

    Thanks for the fashion advice. You’re probably right about gold lamay not being appropriate for a funeral– and that fabric does tend to make my butt look big. Black sequins would be much more slimming and dignified.

    Considering how Liberace made the women swoon, I imagine he knew a thing or two about a thing or two!

    Thanks for being a great Linteer!

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