Sheen has confided to his inner circle of sycophants and hangers-on that he has a new batch of catchphrases he’ll be unleashing soon, and that once these new phrases take root, he’ll be seeking more trademark protections.
These soon to released catchphrases include: “Spank the orphan,” “Actuary from Venus,” “Sippin’ nectar from a boot,” “Greasing the marsupial,” “Mail the derringer,” “Kip kip chareesha mikalee,” “Cheese, please,” “Nothing but fishnets,” “Territorial commerce kindredship,” “The vampire wore linen,” and “Woooo, snakey wakes!”
Experts say Sheen’s aggressive language mixology could change communications forever.
Whee skinny laptadoo!”
In time, it’s possible some of the America’s finest colleges and universities, including those in the Ivy League, will be offering scholarly studies in Sheenlish, comparing the difficulty of understanding and mastering it to the well-known difficulty of comprehending the wordplay in Joyce’s “Finnegan’s Wake.”
“Sheenlish” is certainly a second language we’d all be wise to learn.
Sadly, I suspect you are right about future scholarly study. Do I hear Joyce rotating in his grave?
“The vampire wore linen!”
My Aunt Margaret says we should deal with this Charlie Sheen character just like you’d handle the antisocial behavior of a three year old. Ignore him and he’ll calm down and behave.
Bill,
Your Aunt Margaret is a very wise lady.
Bill, you tell your Aunt Margaret that three year olds are trolls!
And please tell Aunt Margaret I think I had an accident…
Actuary from Venus. Nice. I’m stealing that one. Let him come and get it from me.
Not even Charlie Wondernut dare challenge the powers of Ms. Kitty!
He’s not THAT crazy.
You spelled his name wrong, you numb skull. It’s Charlie Wondernuts.
Good catch. I have got to fire that profrder.
Don’t be such a tough guy. The unemployment rate is already too high. Send your profrder back for remedial training, possibly at a local community college or trade school.
The very best trade school I know, by the way, is located in Bridgeport, CT. It’s a place called “Bob’s College of Knowledge & Storm Door Repair®”. They offer a diverse liberal arts education and they guarantee a skill a student can actually use upon graduation.
Actually, it’s completely fictional, but it’s a good idea. I can see a chain of franchised Bob’s Colleges of Knowledge® all across the country, each of them offering liberal arts, plus classes in plumbing, carpentry, HVAC, welding, auto repair, culinary arts, etc., etc.
If the economy and the employment rate keep limping along like they have been, I may send a formal proposal seeking federal funding to the White House. It’s not too late to get in on the ground floor of this exciting new program.
Deal me in.
I spend a fortune in storm door repair, vinyl repair and unclogging-the-drain management. I think this Bob’s joint may be the answer to my prayers and handyman deficiencies!
Thanks for the tip, Curvin.
As an early investor, you’ll not only get a completely protected Bob’s College of Knowledge franchise in the geographical area of your choosing, you’ll also get the benefits of having the teaching staff and students show up at your residence whenever you’re having problems.
If you opt for the auto repair program, all of the automobiles and vehicles you own will be serviced free of charge.
Many people have also told me that they’re troubled this time of the year by small motor repair (lawnmowers, weed whackers, boat engines, etc.). If you check the “small motor” box on the application form, you’ll never have to worry about this problem again.
How about computers and computer peripherals (printers, scanners, wi-fi devices)? Check the “geek” box on the application form and those worries, along with any/all problems associated with cable and/or TV dish will vanish.
“Culinary arts” is a good option if you or your wife are just too tired at the end of the day to cook a delicious, nutritious meal that will be served with an appropriate wine. Note: All skills, including clean-up, are covered in the “culinary arts” program, so you’ll probably want it.
Don’t sign up for a Bob’s franchise if all you want is personal service. The stated mission of Bob’s College of Knowledge, as mentioned earlier, is giving its students a way to find full employment, not to mention giving its franchisees a way to earn a fair and equitable return on their investment.
As a point of clarification, if I become a franchisee, I assume that I have the right to bitch and moan about whatever marketing materials are supplied by ‘corporate.’
Is this correct?
Curvin, I’m not sure if I want to be an owner or a student. Do you offer classes in decision making?
1. If you become a franchisee, you can speak your piece about marketing materials. Don’t count on corporate listening, however, because they run a tight ship.
2. Classes in decision making are currently available in major cities around the country. If there’s no class in your city, you can call for private phone consultation or attempt to make decisions on your own. Good luck with the latter.
Can’t decide whether or not to take the decision making class or not.
I’m in limbo here.
Let me help you. The class costs $1,999. Private phone consultation generally costs only $19.95.
Am going to call, just need to decide whether to use land line or cell phone.
Hmmmmmmm
Operators are standing by.
Order one 30-day private phone consultation contract now and get a second 30-day contract absolutely free, plus handling charges. Make decision-making the easiest thing in your life! Call 1-888-BOBSCAM now. That’s 1-888-BOBSCAM. All major credit cards accepted. Decide now! It’s the last decision you’ll ever have to make on your own in your life! Call now… join the millions who never fret when they come to a fork in the road, look at a menu or try to decide which political party to support! Are you confused about love? Unsure about which man or woman should be your life partner, even unsure if you should choose a man if you’re a man or a woman if you’re a woman? Call 1-888-BOBSCAM! We teach you how to decide or make your decision for you! Undecided? Flip a coin. Heads you call on your land line. Tails you call on your cell phone. Decide to be decisive! Call 1-888-BOBSCAM today!
My goodness gravy lantaoceans– I WANT to “decide to be decisive,” but I see you accept many credit cards and I just can’t decide if I should use Master Card or American Express.
This IS a pickle of a doozie! I know I NEED this decisiveness training, but I simply cannot decide how best to make contact (cell or land line?) and how best to pay for your excellent services (MC or AmEx?).
I am frozen– like some sort of a frozen object one might find in a freezer.
Do you make house calls?
Until you decide to be decisive, you are locked in what decision makers called “decision stasis,” a common problem in which the so-called “executive lobe” of your brain short-circuits and, as you say, freezes up as cold as a frozen object in a freezer.
The “executive lobe” of your brain, by the way, is the frontal lobe. You can jump start activity in the frontal lobe by banging your forehead repeatedly with a hard object. Some people use a two by four. You can use whatever’s handy.
We do make house calls. The price is $19.95, plus first class air fare, along with four-star hotel accommodations and meals at four-star restaurants during our stay.
If you can’t decide which credit card to use after banging your head repeatedly, as we’ve recommended – recommended free of charge, mind you! – we do accept cash. Call 1-888-BOBSCAM x911 for details about cash payments.
If you’d rather pay for your in-person consultation in advance, we require that you give us your name and address, your bank routing number, your checking account number and your PIN. Our friendly and efficient financial department will handle all the details for you. It’s an easy way for you to move one step closer to being the decisive person you want to be.
It’s your decision. Grab that two by four and decide!
Thanks for your kind concern in helping me with this difficult matter.
Now then, which hard object to bang my head into…
A wall? A car door? The possibilities are endless. Knock yourself out. Just don’t sit there trying to decide which it’ll be. Because you’ll never be able to decide.
I knocked my head with a plank of sequoia wood, but now I can’t remember anything.
I think I have ambrosia. Anemia? Am-no-whatchamacallit?
Who am I?
Knocking one’s head with a plank of sequoia wood usually makes one an old guy. So you won’t remember anything for quite a while. Don’t worry about it. I’ll save your spot until you’re back to normal.
In my day, a sequoia weren’t nothing special. Just a tree with more rings than a Gabor sister. And another thing, weren’t no such thing as pizza pie. We ate it without the fancy crust — burned our fingers but good, but we didn’t cry. Tears hadn’t been invented yet. And another thing…
You need one of our counsellors. I’ll prepare a schedule of services and an estimate of costs. It’ll be on your desk when you return from Australia.
Thanks, I think.
I can’t decide whether to keep reading this stuff, report you guys to the Internet Police for disturbing the peace, or go back to work.
Internet Police.
That’s right. The Internet Police. They’re real and they’re out there, just watching us for now.
Someday soon when data begins to overwhelm the hardware infrastructure, they’ll take action. Their mission? It’s to root out the mindless freeloading bit-wasters that clog the Internet. Pictures of cuddly animals? Chain letters? Irish jokes? They’ll all be gone, and that’s just the beginning.
What are you saying, Bill? That I’m trouble with the IP? That I should wear a disguise and change it every day?
Curvin, it was just a warning. I have no intention of reporting anyone to anybody. I’m concerned that you’re not aware that media controllers have insidious plans to sort through Internet traffic to isolate individual users, and that could be us. Curiously enough, their powerful information filtering engine is modeled on The Lint Screen.
Do you think maybe The Lint Screen might be part of the IP? That it’s only a front meant to trap, so to speak, perfectly innocent people such as the two of us? Patrick may owe us an explanation.
Uh oh, better stay on the lam in Australia.
Note, that sentence has quite a different meaning with the addition of the letter “b” on one of the words.
I’ll say no more, mates.
No worries.