The Lint Screen

bin Laden’s Records Reveal His Dark Side

Written by

PD Scullin

in

The evil bastard Osama bin Laden had a darker side than any of us imagined.

The recent raid of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan pad resulted in his death, some nasty rug stains and his eternal shame and embarrassment as U.S. government officials today released details of records captured in the evil man’s lair.

There is one obvious conclusion to be drawn: bin Laden had truly disturbing taste in music!

The al Qaeda leader had a 666 vinyl album collection that included the entire works of Yanni, Ethel Merman, Spice Girls, Vanilla Ice, Fat Louie Szykowski & His Big Polka Band, Mini Moni, Hanson, Limp Bizkit, Baccara, Air Supply, Nickelback, Tiny Tim, Tiffany, Starland Vocal Band, Armi ja Danny, John Tesh, Hoobastank, Jonas Brothers, Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots, Zamfir, Boxcar Willie, El Chombo, Ratt, Bay City Rollers, Daler Mehndi, Bread, David Hasselhoff, Milli Vanilli, Steklovata, Creed and Ashlee Simpson.

“bin Laden was truly evil,” said a government official, “we discovered an extensive collection of Marcel Marceau albums, including the rare title ‘Writer’s Block’ that in my opinion is definitely sonically superior to the digitally remastered CD from 2008. That thing sucks, dude–– sucks!” the official shouted as he spat on the ground in disgust.

“Most disturbing of all is an album we found that has various artists like Bobby Goldsboro, Alvin and the Chipmunks and Leif Garrett covering the Disney song ‘It’s A Small World After All.’ It’s hard to imagine how anyone could be that hateful to own such an evil thing. This guy was obviously even worse than we feared” The official shook his head in disgust and waited patiently for time to pass.

It did.

Slowly.

Comments

20 responses to “bin Laden’s Records Reveal His Dark Side”

  1. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Interesting that you should mention Marcel Marceau’s albums. I happen to own a large collection of them, including the rare “Writer’s Block” and the even rarer “You Talkin’ To Me? You Talkin’ To Me?”

    The latter, as I’m sure you know, was Marceau’s first and only attempt at combining two distinctly American musical forms, Delta blues and Sousa marches, using a memorable line from the movie “Taxi Driver” as the basis for his composition.

    Marceau’s French audiences didn’t quite comprehend the boldness of this album, which disappointed the master greatly, causing him to utter the only word he ever spoke in public: “Merde!”

    Thus far, full details of the raid on Bin Laden’s redoubt in Pakistan haven’t been released. When they are, I believe we’ll find out that one of the last words he spoke immediately prior to his descent into hell was “Merde!” or something very close to it.

  2. admin Avatar
    admin

    Lucky you, owning You Talkin’ To Me? You Talkin’ To Me?” I always thought it was a myth as I’ve never known anyone who actually had the studio version of it.

    Years ago, I forked-over $200 for a bootleg version from a concert in Paris, and was taken to the cleaners–– it was a dud! All I could hear was some drunk man shouting “Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you!”

    Glad you have the inside scoop of Marceau’s last word, and I suspect you’re spot on that it was also bin Laden’s.

    Proof yet again that Lint Screen readers are the most informed on earth, or any other planet.

  3. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Too bad you spent the $200. I had a second copy of the original that I would have sold you for $400. “Merde!” is an appropriate response to that news. It won’t link you to OBL.

  4. admin Avatar
    admin

    $400, you say?
    Hmmm, that’s mighty tempting…

  5. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    Is that sixth album from the left on the third shelf in the middle partition “96 Tears” by Question Mark and the Mysterians? If so, I think that gives a lot of insight into bin Ladin, don’t you?

  6. admin Avatar
    admin

    Not sure if it’s “96 Tears” or “Nobody But Me” by the Human Beinz.

    Either way, a telling sign.

  7. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Did the CIA clear the release of this photo and your report? Or will I have to worry about McTaversh and his fellow IP police descending on my place in the middle of the night?

  8. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Not sure if McTaversh will be on this case or not, but if he is, locking your doors is futile.

    There is no security against the IP.

  9. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    I’ve leave the doors unlocked. No sense having them bashed in.

  10. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Smart move. You may want to leave out a bowl of Oreos or pretzels in case they get hungry.

  11. Bill Avatar
    Bill

    What? No copy of “Ahab the Arab”? Where was his ethnic pride?

  12. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    I believe there was a Ray Stevens album in the 666-album collection, but am not sure if that gem was included on it.

    I’ll check with intelligence sources.

    Thanks.

  13. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    We’d have a far more accurate handle on this part of the Bin Laden raid if Anderson Cooper had been allowed to cover the event for CNN. I know the mission was top secret, but he’s an honorable man. Surely he would have held his video reports until after he and the Seals/CIA team had reached the safe and friendly confines of Afghanistan. Let me also point out that he owns an extensive collection of black, man-of-action t-shirts, so he would have been appropriately dressed for the raid without the federal government having to spend a penny for his attire. It’s also possible that Bin Laden might have recognized Cooper and said, “Anderson, Anderson! I’ve seen you on CNN so many times, I feel I know you! I know I’m about to meet my 72 virgins, but before I do, sit down, have some tea and let’s talk!” With this last interview, no one anywhere would be able to question the success of the raid. Moreover, too, the accuracy of your post about the contents of Bin Laden’s album collection could be put to rest forever, not, mind you, that I’m one of the people who doubt your report. I’ve followed The Lint Screen for quite a while now, and I know how relentless you are in your efforts to uncover truth for your readers.

  14. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Couldn’t agree with you more about how a lack of Anderson Cooper almost made it a non-event. While he may not have quite the street creds of a Geraldo, “Coop” does know how to make a black tee sing.

    As for the investigation into the totality of all 666 album titles, I’m afraid that the lid on that info is kept tighter than the formula for KFC original recipe. Some have speculated bin Laden was a huge Carpenters fan. Others say he was deep into The Cowsills. Still others swear he was a show tunes man– and bad show tunes at that. Perhaps one day government intelligence agencies will declassify all the album titles and we can put rumors to rest. Until then, we can only speculate, much like imagining “The Coop” and binny-boy’s last interview.

  15. David Everitt-Carlson Avatar
    David Everitt-Carlson

    Oh, don’t go there, Paddy’O. I’ve seen your record collection – how else would you have intimate Leif Garrett details? And you’ve got a couple of Streisands stashed too, I’m sure…

  16. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    At least you didn’t mention my Donnie and Marie collection.

    Thanks for the discretion, David.

  17. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Own any ABBA? How about Journey? Just checking.

  18. Patrick Scullin Avatar
    Patrick Scullin

    Nope to both. Nor Kansas, REO Speedwagon or Chicago– one of my absolute most hated bands.

    But a pretty good stash of the devil’s rock ‘n roll, jazz, classical and Bob Wills & The Texas Playboys.

    Ah hah…

  19. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Any Minnie Riperton?

  20. admin Avatar
    admin

    No Minnie.

    Also, no Eenie, Meenie, Miney and absolutely no Mo.

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