In a joint press conference, leaders from the Democratic and Republican parties shared the exciting news of Hooray USA Day!, a brilliant new plan designed to raise funds to pay down the country’s debt.
“We recently conducted a $62 billion study to determine how average Americans raise funds when they are in a financial squeeze,” said R. “Bucky” Temptkins, a Republican Senator from Idaho. “What we found was that some people starting cooking meth or engaging in prostitution, which while lucrative, did not sit well with our family values. Other ways they raised monies included yard sales and selling blood.”
“We also looked into how community groups raised funds,” continued Lawrence Moonpie, a West Virginia House Democrat. “We discovered many of these organizations hold bake sales or car washes and that these activities are quite effective at raising needed monies.”
“So,” said Sen. Temptkins proudly, “we came up with an innovative plan to save entitlement programs and tax cuts. It’s something we call…” both politicians beamed proudly as they shouted into the microphones in unison, “Hooray USA Day!”
The men high-fived, curtsied to each other and smiled broadly.
Rep. Moonpie continued, “Hooray USA Day! proves our nation is the greatest in the world because it preserves our precious political capital and raises funds solely with grassroot efforts.”
“The very efforts Tea Party types like and support,” said Sen. Temptkins, “and we only spent $480 million to come up with the catchy name Hooray USA Day!”
“It works like this,” said Rep. Moonpie, “on Saturday, August 20, we will divide our country into three fund raising forces. Those whose last names begin with the letters A through H will participate in a great bake sale, baking their favorite recipes and putting them up for sale to their fellow Americans. Those whose last names begin with I through Q will grab sponges, super chamois towels, buckets, hoses and host car washes in the parking lots of local supermarkets. And those whose last names begin with the letters R through Z will hold yard sales getting rid of all nonessential possessions.”
“Each activity will have a cash box,” continued Sen. Temptkins, “and at the end of the day a fleet of Brinks trucks will pick up the monies and take them to local banks where the funds will be tabulated and forwarded to Washington in order to pay down the debt. In a $610 million study we conducted, it is projected we can raise over $500 trillion with these Hooray USA Day! activities– provided we can get premium prices for our nation’s used Journey CDs, James Patterson books, ratty recliners and ‘Friends’ DVDs.”
Both politicians smiled broadly as Rep. Moonpie issued closing remarks. “We don’t have to cut anything from our budget or raise any taxes. Hooray USA Day! is the Godsend we’ve all been looking for! If it’s as successful as we think it’ll be, we may make it an annual event.”
Bake sales? Car washes? Yard sales? Good ideas but I suggest we think bigger. And quickly. The debt clock is ticking.
Curvin, I can’t say that you’re wrong. I suggest you prepare a government study you can conduct to determine new sources of revenue. A fair price for this valuable O’Reilly Revenue Enhancement Study would be, say, $374 million.
My consulting fee for this suggestion is a mere $128 million.
I believe in the business world they call such things “Win-Win.”
Go, Curvin, go! Save America first!!!
Here’s one idea and it’s a freebie.
You know all those people clamoring to enter the US illegally? The ones who pay coyotes in the neighborhood of, say, $5,000 for a truck ride up to the border in the middle of the night, possibly a map through the desert?
Let’s make it easy on them by installing turnstiles at convenient entry points.
It’d work like this.
Welcome, amigo! Put $5,000 in the slot, get a pass to the land of opportunity. Pay your taxes and stay out of trouble for 10 years, get papers that give you eligibility for citizenship.
It’s an income producing idea of epic size, I think. And it’s also an idea that’ll save money. No costly walls or fences to build along the border. No expenses for a border patrol or jails in Arizona and other border states.
Amigo, as long as you pay your $5,000 and stay on the right side of the law, you’re in.
You’ll get jobs when you come to the US, of course, because there a lot of things Americans just won’t do. Picking crops in agricultural fields? You got it! Gutting chickens, pigs and cattle? You got it!
Pay your $5,000, amigo, and work your way up to $9 an hour in no time at all!
Bring the whole family! Just $5,000 per family member when they come through the turnstiles at our borders!
What’s not to like? It’s brilliant. Everyone wins– except coyotes.
Gracias, amigo.
De nada, senor!
We’ve gone bilingual. Holy mole sauce!
Si, senor.
Cada estadounidense tiene dos riñones. Hace años, como se recordará, la gente desesperada en la lejana naciones Tercer Trabajo para vender su riñón adicional de dinero en efectivo. ¿Por qué no ahora que necesitamos un poco de dinero? No sé lo que los riñones para vender, pero podríamos hacer un dólar o dos muy rápidamente. Ciertamente más rápido que las ventas de pasteles, lavados de autos y ventas de garaje. Aunque la idea de la inmigración se ve como un gran ganador, muy grande. (Para su información:. Vamos a varios millones de los riñones en la reserva – El Banco Nacional del Riñón – para los norteamericanos que lo necesitan cuando se enferman)
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Every American has two kidneys. Years ago, as you may recall, desperate people in distant Third Work nations used to sell their extra kidney for ready cash. So why not us now that we need a few bucks? I don’t know what kidneys sell for, but we might make a buck or two very quickly. Certainly faster than bake sales, car washes and yard sales. Although the immigration idea looks like a big, big winner. (FYI: We’ll several million kidneys in reserve – The National Kidney Bank – for North Americans who need them when they get sick.)
Viva la something or other! What a great idea. People could sell their kidneys at the yard sales, maybe throw in a toe to seal the deal. We come with ten, but we could do with less.
As long as no politician has to pay a price, it should be a grand idea in any language. Thanks, Curvin, for being a great American.
My experience with these car washes is that the volunteer help winds up washing each other’s cars and eventually quits in disgust. People are quite content to drive dirty cars in a recession. My suggestion is you sell a product like wrapping paper.
Good points, Bill.
Perhaps a topless car wash. Convertibles get dirty, too.
Aha! And this suggestion comes from the man that invented the Swedish Bikini Team. It’s a national crisis. Pull out all the stops!
Dirt. Water. Mud wrestling for young women from around the world. Trump, who owns and promotes the Miss Universe pageant, will buy into it. If not him, tell Murdoch he’d get plenty of photo-ops for his tabloid newspapers.
I think Hooray USA Day! is going to be a huge success with this kind of thinking.
Send the politicians home– good ol’ American ingenuity and the power of the intertubes has solved another crisis.
Thanks, brain trust, you’ve done your country proud.
I was thinking of celebrating too. How about a cow chip bingo game? It combines gambling, green energy, and good old fashion redneck entertainment!
Sounds like a brilliant idea, but how will it raise money? We’ve got a debt to pay down!
Gambling?