Tuggles: Paws Could Be A Killer

The campaign manager of adorable prez pup hopeful, Santy Paws, recently alleged a dead bird may have been the handiwork of Mr. Tuggles, a cute kitten also running for the nation’s top job. Today, Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for Mr. Tuggles fired back as he showed a reproduction of an oil painting of two dogs looking hungrily at a bird that is flying away for safety’s sake.

“It’s outrageous to think that a fluff o’ love like Mr. Tuggles could possible hurt another one of God’s creatures,” said Ossenwold in front of a bank of media microphones. “He has love in heart for all, except those evilniks who would do harm to America. He hates those hateful people deeply and wants to kill them and send their souls to hell for eternal damnation.”

Mr. Ossenwold then pointed to the artwork reproduction on an easel. “As we can clearly see from this police sketch done in oils, dogs have hated birds throughout history. Naturally, I think that Santy Paws, being a member of this historically blood thirsty community, could be the killer of the bird discovered recently. I find it outrageous that the suspected murdering mutt’s campaign manager accused my candidate of possibly killing a bird when his candidate is a sworn enemy to our winged friends. If any animal killed that poor little birdie, it’s probably that vicious killing machine, Santy Paws. Oh, I don’t blame the mad dog. It’s in his blood. If Mr. Tuggles is elected, he might consider pardoning that pitiful creature with obvious anger management issues.”

There was no response from Santy Paws campaign headquarters.