Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for Mr. Tuggles, issued a prepared statement at the press conference held this afternoon in Walpole, New Hampshire, where the Tuggles campaign was promising residents “people who don’t live free should die a thousand pain-filled deaths” and those that vote for Mr. Tuggles in the primary “will receive gold Rolex watches, house boats and Florida time shares” for their support.
In his statement, a tearful Ossenwold said, “Mr. Tuggles has decided to withdraw his bid for the highest office in the land due to personal, prayerful considerations. This decision in no way reflects the recent outrageous wild allegations of sexual improprieties made by a cat of loose morals. Mr. Tuggles is pure as the driven snow that has never been violated by a footstep,” said Ossenweld sobbing. “He was a contender, Mr. Tuggles was. He coulda been king of the world, I tells ya– king of the world!”
Ossenwold then collapsed at the podium as bored reporters stepped over his convulsing body to get on to the next juicy political story.
There you go, Turns out that Mr. Tuggles, after all his big, bad, brave posturing, is just another preening pussy cat. Well, better to find that out now than after putting him into office.
You are obviously not a ‘cat person.’
Politics is an ugly sport.
Well, if “doing bad things, very bad things” involved “Hello Kitty,” I think he could have survived the scandal. I’ve fantasized about doing very bad things to those damned things myself. Bless Mr. Tuggles. He’d have been a good mouser.
Good point, Kitty. I confess I have also had impure thoughts about “Hello Kitty” and I am a bit nervous whoever we send to the White House won’t be effective in dealing with rodents.
Rick Perry said he was good at three things. One was terrorists. Two was vermin. And three, well, he couldn’t recall…
As a Santy Paws supporter, I say:
Hip Hip Hooray!
Hip Hip Hooray!
Now you might think those Hips are archaic or unnecessary, but Hips are vital and if yours are not working for you, go ahead and replace them! Here are some more to choose from:
Hip Hip Hooray!
Hip Hip Hooray!
Thanks, Bill. So, you’re saying Santy Paws is the fake hips candidate? Does that explain he’s leaning to the left on some issues and leaning to the right on others?
This politics is interesting sport, by gumbo!
Just curious…
What’s Jerry Ossenwold done with all the goodies that were supposedly heading to voters during Mr. Tuggles’ campaign?
I don’t need a gold Rolex, thank you very much, but I wouldn’t turn down a house boat or Florida time share. Same with the penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park in Manhattan that I mentioned earlier.
(How about a new car? Maybe a BMW 335i xDrive Sedan. Surely there’s enough left in the war chest for that.)
You raise excellent points, Curvin. Like you, I was curious as to the promised booty for Tuggles’ support.
I placed many calls into Jerry Ossenwold’s office, but apparently his number is now owned by an establishment called Turney’s Dry Cleaning & Thimble Emporium. When I asked for Mr. Ossenwold, the voice at the other end said that she had never heard of him but that the cleaner did excellent work on cat hair removal– even from cashmere!
I’m not sure what this all means, but I did drop off a couple blazers (wool and poly blends, I can’t afford cashmere, for cry-eye!) and picked up six thimbles in the “3 Stooges Go To The Moon” series (I have the complete “3 Stooges on Mars” collection).
I certainly hope Ossenwold wasn’t lying. I would lose faith in our political figures if such a thing came to pass.