“This is tremendous news for the nation,” said campaign manager, Sandy Oceans in a press conference held in Portland, Oregon this morning. “This 2012 campaign already has a Newt, but now it has a lizard that people can really believe in. One that can change its colors to fit the environment perfectly. And, a candidate with stereoscopic eyes to boldly see a future where we all can live in economic prosperity and jobs aplenty! Two, three, four jobs for everyone! A couple of ’em six figure babies, to boot! And get a load of this– whatever the voters want, they will most certainly get– with a cherry on top– because that’s the kind of government Carl The Chameleon believes in! And let me tell you, you won’t be getting that from any poopy puppy or mangy monkey, no siree! All they’ll do is give you empty promises. Carl The Chameleon will deliver results beautifully!”
A crowd of hundreds applauded loudly and shot off handguns in joyous celebration. The competing campaign camps for Santy Paws and Ms. Pickles did not return phone calls for commentary on Carl The Chameleon’s candidacy, nor was there any word from Newt’s people.
He’ll flip flop on the important issues. Or change colors on us, anyway. Red to blue? Blue to red? Green as he makes his transitions?
Apparently this ability to change and adapt to the environment is a key selling feature of this candidate. It’s interesting to take flip-flopping and turn it into a benefit.
Will the public buy it?
Will we follow a lizard leader?
Will we develop a taste for flying insects?
Good questions all.
“. . . nor was there any word from Newt’s people.”
Newt has people?
Yes, Kitty, apparently Newt does indeed have “people” and some of them eventually become Newt wives.
They also love Newt at Tiffany’s.
And Newt’s wives also love Tiffanny’s.
And Newt’s wives also love Tiffany’s.
Did Newt’s previous wives love Tiffany’s or is it only his current one? (I know it’s a side issue, so I’ll drop it.)
What can you tell me about Carl the Chameleon? What’s his background? Where was he educated? Does he have a wife? Has be been faithful to her? Does he have children? Are his wife and children campaigning for him? Has he taken any hard and fast stances on the issues? Does he identify himself with the 1% or the 99%? Does he have a campaign bus, possibly one with the exterior decorated to look like him?
By the way, does he have an advertising agency? I’ve never worked on a political campaign for a chameleon – not that I know of, anyway – but it might be interesting. Here’s a possible opening for a commercial: “It’s morning again in a verdant forest of America.”
As someone who states he has never worked on a political campaign for a chameleon, I’d say the job is yours on the basis of that excellent commercial opening.
As for Carl The Chameleon’s background, I do not know much. I do like the fact that he is a straight shooter and is promising that “whatever the voters want, they will most certainly get– with a cherry on top– because that’s the kind of government Carl The Chameleon believes in!”
I like a politician who makes bold statements and stands behind them!
Are you willing to head up his advertising campaign, Curvin? I suspect there will also be some serious PAC money funding this critter. It could prove a very profitable enterprise.
No problem working on Carl’s advertising. I’d need cash in advance, however, since politicians, win or lose, are notorious for pleading poverty after the fact.
That’s great news, Curvin.
I just spoke with Carl The Chameleon’s campaign manager, Sandy Oceans, who understands your request for payment up front. Oceans would like to know if you prefer fresh or freeze dried flying insects. Just let him know, he’ll put you in touch with his procurement people, and you can begin painting a colorful canvas for our country’s future!
Onward, ho!
Just spoke with friends of mine. They’ve dealt with Oceans and his group of political operatives (Oceans 11, Oceans 12) in the past. Oceans may think he can pay me in fresh or freeze dried flying insects. That won’t do it. I prefer large piles of Benjamins in an aluminum valise delivered to my door by an armed courier.
I understand completely, although this Oceans seems like a stand-up guy. He sold me a gold Rolex watch for $15– it’s worth $12,000! I call that a pretty sweet deal.
Soon, I predict, your gold Rolex will be the color of Carl the Chameleon.
Hey, you must be a jeweler! It’s starting to turn a little green and a little bluish.
Does this make it worth even more, Mr. Jewelry Expert?
Do you think his work with Boy George back in the ’80’s will help or hurt him, karma seems good to me and he was young at the time.
Sandy, I suspect you have given us a great clue about what CTC’s campaign song will be.
Thanks, nice work earns good karma.