In the nonhuman Iowa presidential caucuses held yesterday, pundits had it down to the wire with a three horse race, none of which were horses. IBM’s Watson computer, precious puppy, Santy Paws, and lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles were the contenders– but all were shocked in a huge upset of write-in candidate, Fritos.
“Today, Iowans sent a clear message to the nation,” said Eddie Frunkenbo, a caucus chairperson. “We want to be led by a bag of delicious Fritos. They’re made from corn, then fried and salted to heavenly deliciousness. They’re the perfect accompaniment to a sandwich, bowl of soup or chili, slab of liver pudding, lobster tails, dried cranberries, what have you. There’s nothing you can put in your mouth that Fritos won’t make taste better. It’s about time we had a leader who made things better for all Americans, and Fritos can do that job deliciously.”
Bag of Fritos issued a statement thanking Iowa for its support and continued patronage. Fritos wrote that it is still deciding whether or not to declare its candidacy. Rumors have it a bag of Cheetos may compete in the Wisconsin primaries.
Watson, Ms. Pickles and Santy Claus all tied in second place with 4% of the vote each. None of their campaign headquarters returned persistant prank phone calls from The Lint Screen.
We ALL need to rally behind Fritos….it’s our only chance to move our country forward. That is, until Cheetos decides to enter the race and take America to that ‘cheesy’ American dream we all , well er….dream of!
Short of a miracle, let’s get behing Fritos…it’s not the corny thing to do, it’s the only thing to do!
larry
That would be a very tough battle, one that could go nuclear should Cool Ranch Doritos entered the race.
Thanks for the Lint, Larry.
How can I support Fritos? Wasn’t it once represented by a bandito from south of the border? And Cheetos isn’t much better. Remember the mouse that once fronted it? The way I see it, one of these snacks will only foment debate about a hot political issue while the other will be meek and squeaky (and terminally orange) on the campaign trail.
If we’re going to be voting for snacks, I’m support a possible Crackerjacks candidacy. Ever look at a box of Crackerjacks? On it, you’ll find a sailor boy (age indeterminate) with his cute puppy. So patriotic! As it should be, actually, since Crackerjacks is a classic treat long heralded as a fundamental part of at least one part of America (baseball).
From a political standpoint, Crackerjacks has all the bases covered – glazed popcorn (Iowa and other corn producing states), peanuts (Georgia but possibly other states as well) and a kickback/reward of some sort (a toy in every box).
(Note to the Crackerjacks Election Committee: For my early support, make my toy something nice. Say, the keys to a new Porsche. Or a Corvette if you want to buy American.)
Curvin, I think you’re absolutely right (do you ever tire of being so?). Crackerjacks would be the ideal snack food candidate– although I do think Fritos goes better with a bowl of chili.
Still, when it comes to providing prizes (entitlements), Fritos does not deliver.
At the bottom of the Cheetos bag, one is at least rewarded with that nuclear orange powder as a prize. I believe it acts as a hallucinogenic drug when snorted.
Yes, Crackerjacks is a wholesome snack with a spirited sailor on the box. Perhaps he could sport a sweater vest– that seems to be a popular political wardrobe item these days.
Let me know if you hear from the Crackerjacks people. It could be a dark horse to win the race!
Oh, and I hope you get the keys to the car. You deserve them.
Oh noesss…from the fat into the fire… show us your Monsanto Birth Certification for GM Foods or off to Alaska for you with the Flavr Savr Tomatoes.
And so, the birthers surface…
nice.
Thanks. Controversy is good. Or not.
Okay, I can buy into the idea that a bag of Fritos is running for President as a Republican. But (and it could by my own lack of imagination) I’m having trouble picturing a debate with this slate. Watson has TV experience and I have no doubt you can put a monkey and a dog on a stage and get them to respond to questions. But a bag of Fritos? You prop it up on a chair or pedestal, you shine a light on it, put a microphone in front of it, and the moderator asks it a question. Then what happens????
Crunchy, delicious pontification?
Give it a bowl of guacamole, dip speaks for itself.
Who could possibly fight that logic?
Thanks, Sandy.
The Frito candidacy will be represented by the Frito bandito. You can always dunk him into a bowl of guacamole if you’d like to shut him up.
If only it were that easy for all candidates, Curvin.
I’ll start watching the GOP debates if the guacamole dunk becomes standard procedure. Come to think of it, perhaps all politicians should be dunked in something when they say things that are perfectly stupid or blatantly false.
I like the dunking rule, Curvin. It will add a whole new level of entertainment and vibrancy to any candidate.
Please begin the guacamole preparations, people!