When it was announced recently that Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservatives behind ALLIED ACME Industries, were deciding on which nonhuman presidential candidate to back with their Super PAC, another power group surfaced with its own Super PAC ideas.
The Turley Sisters of Tulsa, Oklahoma, who are listed in the nation’s top 100 wealthiest families, have decided to form a Super PAC because “they don’t trust that liberal Hudsinger couple to do right by God-fearin’ folks. They dress in far too revealing a manner and appear to have no earthly control over their ravenous libidos. The Hudsingers shant taint the political waters with their wantonness ways,” said a Turley family spokesperson.
The Turly fortune was made by great grandfather Augustus Turley who revolutionized retail with his Turly Pollywog, Stilts & Saltwater Taffy Emporium in 1892. His retail empire spread like wildfire on fire and soon every American city with a population over 10 had a Turley Emporium. With a fortune amassed, the Turley empire eventually crumbled as Americans lost interest in baby frogs, height enhancing sticks and salty confections.
“The Turley family has always believed in good clean living,” said a spokesperson, “and the Turley Sisters will not allow political libertines like Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger to pollute the purity of our nation’s soul.”
It is rumored the Turley Sisters are holding extensive interviews with all nonhuman candidates before deciding on where to put their Super PAC money support.
There used to be a Turley Emporium in my hometown. We had a winning basketball team for years and years because the smallest of our small children learned how to walk on Turley stilts from the day they started walking. By the time they reached high school, the smallest person on our basketball team stood 6’5″. The tallest was 7’3″. The only problem with the stilts was that people who could use them proficiently frequently used them to peer into windows around town at night. They not only learned too much about what should have been kept secret, they occasionally frightened the bejeezus out of little old ladies who had no secrets, other than ones they’d forgotten years earlier due to senility.
I suppose every American family has a similar fond Turley Emporium story.
It was a sad day for tailors when America lost its appetite for stilts. Suddenly there was no need for the 218″ inseam alteration. Also, a sad for peeping toms of second stories.
Alas, our nation lost its innocence when we had to resort to cherry pickers for our second story gawking.
Thanks for relating your tear-worthy tale, Curvin.
It’s not hard to figure out why the Turley business eventually failed. Those dolts from Oklahoma we’re making their saltwater taffy using salty water! Duh. Even Snookie knows better than that.
You don’t use salt water in salt water taffy? Does one substitute salty tears? Color me curious, Chef Bill.
Next you will tell me there are no turkeys in turkish taffy!
Perish the thought, Sandy. I always like the wing turkish taffy.
Are there kisses in Kisses?
Bought M&M’s once with only one M in them, half price sale.
Hmmm, Curvin, not sure but I think there’s beef lips in wax lips.
Mmmmmm, a delicious deal, Sandy.
Salt water taffy is an extruded material largely composed of saccharides. Although not chemically similar in structure, it shares qualities with the fruit cake. Salt water taffy is intended to be a souvenir and not fit for human consumption.
Well, Bill, I think now we know why you’re not writing copy for a candy company.
“Saccharides that satisfy, yum dee yum yum yum!”
What’s the skinny on Peeps, the tiny candy chicks you see this time of the year? Sugar? Saccharides?
Or, are peeps made from a substance not found on earth but brought to us from a distant galaxy?
Mayhap The Easter Bunny knows.
Could be they’re goodies brought to us by extraterrestrial beings who can’t give the damn things away during the off-season where they come from. We must have off-season items we could send to them. Galoshes during the summer, for example. It could be a big business for us, especially if the extraterrestrial beings have many feet. Someone should let the president know. Maybe he could set up a special trade mission.
You raise interesting points. If peeps are from outer space, I think they could become a political hot potato. Would we have peeps tarifs, trade restrictions, fears of great trade deficits? Would there be exchange rate issues? Would we worry about illegal aliens? Wouldn’t they ALL be aliens?
Curvin, you may have opened a Pandora’s box no one wants to look into. Suggest we padlock the damn thing, eat a couple peeps, get through Easter and continue walking.
Have you taken a close look at Peeps, Patrick? They’re a bright yellow that isn’t found in nature. Not to be too graphic about it, my friend, but Peeps look like baby poop.
I suspect my Easter basket will not be quite so appetizing this year.