The Lint Screen has received a copy of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary captured in the raid by Navy SEALs on his compound May 2, 2011. The unannounced visit resulted in bin Laden’s nagging painful death.
The details of the diary are surprising. The diary, measuring 4″ x 6″ has a shiny illustrated cover depicting unicorns and large doe-eyed children holding bunches of colorful balloons. bin Laden wrote in block letters at the bottom of the cover “KEEP OUT, THIS MEANS YOU!”
Some nuggets contained within include the following:
– “I feel fat. I look at my blubber butt in the mirror and just want to cry. I’m such a pig and I hate swine. I get so bummed, I eat another pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I feel better. Chunky Monkey make Osammy happy!”
– “Love those reruns of Andy of Mayberry. Otis the drunk cracks me up. Aunt Bea is kind of hot, too. And that Barney, he is something else! He’s smarter than Goober but not as sweet as Gomer. How I’d love to have terrorized that small town!”
– “Saw a spot for that Gillette Mach 3 razor. I may just chop this Brillo pad off my face. No, no I won’t. I have a weak chin and horrible acne scars. I am shamed, I am shamed.”
– “How I hate QVC. This place is filled with useless crap I’ve bought. How many chip and dip sets does one man need anyway?!”
– “I wish I were more like Horatio on “CSI: Miami”– I should get some shades. Maybe they have them for sale on QVC.”
– “Come on Weather Channel. Give me my ‘Local on The 8’s!’ Oh, here we are. Going to be hot as hell, again…”
More details will be released at a later date.
Dear Diary, I will look down from above with happiness to see my diary posted by my friend Patrick after I am gone. PS These virgins are not all they were cracked up to be, my brothers.
“72 virgins do not one experienced woman make” it is written somewhere.
Oh, it is written up there.
Thanks, Ms. Kitty.
Thanks to friends of mine who lived on the outskirts of Abbottabad where they served as Mormon missionaries, I have a few loose pages that fell out of Bin Laden’s diary as the Navy SEALs made their hasty exit from his redoubt last year.
Here are a few of the entries:
“Marie Osmond was so cute. Now look at her! Chubby chubby chubby!”
“How come the kids on ‘The Cosby Show’ don’t look like they’re his real children? You think Phylicia Rashad was fooling around? Rashad’s a nice name. (Lisa Benet is HOT!)”
“Too bad I’m not Christian. Bet the kids would love Elmo dolls from Santa.”
“On my mind all day: what’s the point of knock-knock jokes?”
“Big pain. I’m in the mood. My wives aren’t. Well, there’s always Onanism. Which I hereby decree is permissible.”
“Organized my sock drawer. Feel so good. Like I didn’t waste the day.”
“I’d terrorize Tokyo for some good sushi right about now.”
“Jon Stewart, Andy Borowitz and Bill Maher crack me up. Chris Rock’s not bad either. Can’t get into ’30 Rock’ or ‘The Office.’ Should I try to write comedy?”
“Note to self: Keep porn DVDs away from kids. And wives.”
“Re porn. Why won’t my wives do what women in porn flicks do?”
“Stop dreaming. There’s no way I’ll ever find myself with 72 virgins.”
“Send letter to Obama. No return address.”
“Send letter to Bill Clinton. Ask for his best pick-up lines.”
“Boy, do I feel good! Spent the whole day cussing and swearing in a locked room.”
“Order iPad.”
“We need some family fun. Maybe popcorn and cartoons with the kiddies after dinner. Maybe a Saturday barbecue for the neighbors. (Note to self: get the amir’s special recipe for shish kabob sauce.”
“Check Swiss bank account.”
“Proselytize proselytize proselytize for the everlasting life of al Qaeda!”
“Write ‘to do in case of emergency’ list, emergencies to include fire and firefights.”
Good gravy, Curvin, that’s quite the stash. I would have never guessed OBL would have a crush on Marie Osmond, or that he’d be such a sock wearer (socks seem like an evil western idea whereby a man may caress his own foot and let nature take him where it will).
Thanks for sharing. Suggest you keep your eye on the sky– having released sensitive materials like these, you may find yourself ‘drone alone.’
Be well!
Still reading the pages that were sent to me. In another odd diary entry, by the way, OBL mused about his affection for Karen Carpenter and whether or not al Queda should use “We’ve Only Just Begun” as the anthem and tagline in recruitment advertising. The very next day, just three days before the Navy SEALs showed up, OBL admitted in his diary that he didn’t want his obit to say that he’d committed the sin of ripping off Hal Riney, so he dropped the idea of using the Carpenters. Also, he wondered if “We’ve Only Just Begun” was the right strategy inasmuch as he was sensing that the end was near.
(Re drones: I live deep underground in a concrete bunker.
Please pop out of your bunker for just a moment to take a bow for connecting OBL with Hal R. by way of Karen Carpenter.
Brilliant, and scary.
Now, get back underground!
Thanks, Curvin.
Thanks. Really, though, everything I wrote was there in the diary pages I was handed. And it’s completely logical that OBL, #1 on America’s most wanted list, would see the value in using the work of HR, advertising’s Mr. Feel Good.
Yes, he was Mr. Sunshine as I recall.