The Lint Screen has received more details about the contents of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary discovered in the raid on his pad last year, including the following startling entries:
– “Am sick and tired of all my friends sending me requests on Facebook to join Farmville. Why would I care to tend crops? Has the world gone nuts?”
– “Wanted to order some chinos from J. Crew, but for the life of me couldn’t recall my inseam size. Is this what growing older is all about, forgetting everything?”
– “Can’t recall the name of wife #4. Will just call her ‘snoogums’ and be done with it. Cursed, stupid, wretchedly useless brain!”
– “Constipated. Again. Deviled eggs and goat casserole do not agree with me.”
– “My porn collection feels far too familiar. Need variety. Amish?”
– “If it ever snows, I swear I’m making angel wings, then people will see I’m not such a bad guy.”
– “I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable, lonely and fat.”
– “Diary, you are only one who understands me. Maybe I should capture Dr. Phil.”
I’ve continued reading the loose OBL diary pages sent to me by friends of mine who were serving as Mormon missionaries in Pakistan until events forced them to skedaddle.
You know, the pages that swirled away from the helicopter prop wash when the Navy SEALs swept in at OBL’s secluded (in plain sight) Abbottabad aerie?
Only when all of OBL’s diary comments have been sorted and studied will history have a complete picture of him. In any case, here are a few new comments that I’ve found…
“Send fruitcake to Pakistani Army general at military base down the road. Enclose note: ‘Thanks for looking the other way.'”
“Sudden interest in Barry Manilow, Bette Midler and Judy Garland. Am I gay?”
“Where’s Joe Biden? Does it matter?”
“To do: Write opening monologue for ‘SNL.’ Send audition tape. Ask if I can do it by remote.”
“Laughed non-stop today while thinking about old ad campaign: ‘How’d you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?’ How funny is that?!!”
“What did Jimi Hendrix mean when he asked ‘Are You Experienced?'”
“How will I be remembered? Too late to become a hyphenate Hollywood mogul, walk the red carpet? (Build mantel for Oscars.)”
“Spent morning in front of mirror. Face is gaunt. Need weight gain drinks. Also need to join Y. Speaking of Y, spent afternoon listening to The Village People. ‘Y-M-C–A! Y-M-C-A!’ Am I gay?”
“More door-to-door salesmen today. Bought a Kirby vacuum cleaner. Couldn’t resist after seeing in-home demol”
“Paid bills. Totally stressed. May have to ask Saudi princes for an advance. Or Karzai. He’s corrupt enough.”
“Moon walked around the place all day. Wearing a single sequined glove. So good I gotta be gay.”
“A total Meg Ryan day. Cute and charming in early films. (‘I’ll have what she’s having.’ Too much!) Hot and sexy in ‘In The Cut.’ Botoxed lips make her look like Joan Rivers’ ugly second cousin.”
“‘One of these days, Alice!’ Love Gleason. Same with Crazy Guggenheim. Funny, can sing, too. CDs available? Check iTunes.”
•••
Most of OBL’s diary prose is boring and turgid. So much so that my eyes frequently glaze over as I read it. If I discover anything else you should know about, I’ll send it along.
Shocking revelations, Curvin! OBL had access to fruitcake? Imagine what he might have done.
Terrifying.
Thanks for the update. Do keep the Lint world posted.
Found another one…
“Tried on wife #3’s chador. Like it. Am I gay?”
He was obviously a very conflicted man, a very conflicted man in a stylish chador.
Found another one… very difficult to decipher because it looks like ht wrote these few lines in great anger…
“Very pissed… just read fine print… for a man my age, it’s .072 virgins per month!”
Ouch.