Is Ol’ Nick a Saint… or a demented perv? That’s the question billions of people are asking themselves today as news broke of the jolly fat man being thrown into the hoosegow where he’ll stay over the holidays.
Santa Claus (a.k.a. Earl “Pudgy” Vartondablatt) was arrested today outside of a house in Monroe, Louisiana. He was lurking in a bush when officers wrestled him and slapped a pair of security bracelets on his wrists.
“I saw that creep peeking through my window,” said home owner Sheila Jambars, “I was getting undressed for my shower and I heard some moaning outside my window. I turned, and there he was, that fat, bearded degenerate. He smirked and winked at me. I screamed and called the cops. My daughter, who’s only 16, has been saying for weeks that she felt like someone had been watching her.” The young woman entered the room and agreed with her mother. “The dude’s totally a freak! I know the fat slob’s been stalking me.”
Claus in an official statement issued through his attorney said that “I need to know who’s been naughty or nice and surveillance is essential to doing my job. It’s not an invasion of anyone’s privacy. I was simply doing my job. I’m innocent.”
No bail has been set in the Claus case.
News like this is disturbing. In fact, it’s pushing unbelievable. What if Santa Claus is a myth, a cruel hoax perpetrated on innocent children? What then?
What then, Bill, is a travesty of justice!
Who is rotting in that Louisiana jail cell?
Does he deserve it?
How can he possibly deliver toys to all good little boys and girls around the world in one night?
What of the reindeer– think of the reindeer!
Oh, if it’s not true than I don’t know about anything anymore!!!