Ebola, ISIL, Ukraine, immigrants, midterm elections–– just when you thought the news couldn’t get any worse, comes amazing revelations from North Korea as its beloved leader Kim Jong Un returns to the public eye after disappearing since September 3.

“I was on a a bit of a walkabout,” said the charismatic god-like head of state. “All the reports of my cheese addiction and gout bouts are wrong and those who spread such lies will be caught, tortured and slaughtered like the pigs they are. I will stretch their skins over furniture and sell it at Ikea!”

The incredible man began eating the large wheel of cheddar cheese that he sat upon and continued speaking through orange chews. “I have been doing important things, like curing cancer, ebola and becoming the first man to run a two-minute mile and shoot a record sixteen for an 18-hole round of golf. It was on Augusta National. I have the scorecard to prove it. I also bowled a 480 game, my beer frame was remarkable, and I hit a baseball so hard that it landed on the moon. Anyone who doubts these amazing feats will have his throat sliced. The population of the world can now once again sleep at night–– its greatest leader and human speciman is back!”

Hoo-ray!!!