Poor Evan Swartzky. He thought he won a cool million Simoleons with his fantasy football picks made on DraftKings, the online gambling service for the gullible. Instead, he won a place in the Fool’s Hall of Shame.
“I was so excited when they told me I won,” the bearded goofball told The Lint Screen. “They had a ceremony where a short guy in a crumpled suit smoking a Pall Mall presented me with a big million dollar check. I did a victory dance and immediately called my boss at work and told him to take his lousy job and shove it–– because I was a big time fantasy football millionaire! Then, I went to the bank to get a stash and take my buddies bar hopping and strip clubbing.”
This is where the story takes a turn for the tragic as Mr. Swartzky spoke softly, trying to contain his tears. “The bank teller told me my check was not legal tender. She said it was a prop, and apparently Bank of America doesn’t recognize Foamcore as currency. She also said because I had no I.D. for being ‘King of The Beach Winner’, she couldn’t cash my check, even if it were real. Then, she called other bank employees over and pointed at me and said, ‘look at the idiot trying to cash a comically large check.’ Everyone laughed, other bank customers included. I felt kind of foolish,” the bearded man said before he broke down and sobbed for six minutes before confessing, “I don’t know, maybe I’m overly sensitive.”
With that, Evan Startzky straightened up and looked proud. “I’ve got some hot picks for this week’s games though. I’m going to win again!”