With the announcement of Peyton Manning’s retirement, The Lint Screen sat down with him for the following exclusive interview.
TLS: Hello, Peyton.
PM: Hi.
TLS: It’s kind of a funny name, ‘Peyton.’
PM: I guess so.
THERE IS AN AWKWARD TWENTY SECONDS OF SILENCE AS THE REPORTER CONSULTS HIS NOTES.
TLS: So, retirement, huh?
PM: Yes.
TLS: You don’t look that old.
PM: Most mornings, I feel pretty ancient.
THE REPORTER LAUGHS VERY HARD FOR THE NEXT FORTY SECONDS. MANNING NERVOUSLY SMILES AND SHIFTS IN HIS SEAT.
TLS: Do you have a favorite color?
PM: Favorite color?
TLS: Yes. I’m an investigative reporter, and I’m not afraid to ask the tough questions.
PM: You want to know my favorite color?
TLS: Yes, Peyton, I do. I think our readers deserve to know.
PM: Um, blue.
TLS: Blue? Really? Blue?
PM: Yes, blue, I guess.
TLS: Blue is the color of the sky, isn’t it?
PM: Right. Unless it’s cloudy, or nighttime.
THE REPORTER LAUGHS VERY HARD FOR THE NEXT MINUTE AS HE SLAPS HIS KNEE AND SNAPS HIS HEAD BACK IN BOISTEROUS GUFFAWS. MANNING NERVOUSLY SMILES THEN LOOKS CONCERNED. THEN, HE STARES AT THE FLOOR.
TLS: Do you think there’s life after death?
PM: I’m sorry, what was that?
TLS: Life after death, what do you think? Is there or isn’t there?
PM: Uh, sure.
TLS: Fascinating.
THERE IS AN AWKWARD THREE MINUTES OF SILENCE AS THE REPORTER CONSULTS HIS NOTES. MANNING LOOKS AT HIS IPHONE, DELETES SOME EMAILS, SENDS TEXTS AND BUYS A TEFLON-COATED WAFFLE IRON ON AMAZON.
TLS: Well, I guess we covered it all.
PM: Really? That’s it?
TLS: I think we covered it all. Thanks, Peyton, for being so open and honest for our readers.
PM: Didn’t you want to ask me anything about my football career?
TLS: Football career?
PM: Um, nevermind. Right, this was fun. Thanks.
THE TWO MEN SHAKE HANDS. MANNING RUNS OUT THE DOOR AND INTO HIS CAR. THE REPORTER DOUBLE CHECKS HIS NOTES AGAIN.