Making lemonade out of its piss poor performance, The International Olympics Committee has decided to officially punt on branding these games as The 2016 Summer Olympics. Instead, it will be known as “2016 Survivor: Rio Edition.”
“It was just getting ridiculous,” Thomas Bach, President of the IOC told The Lint Screen. “Rio is hopelessly behind in preparations. Everywhere you turn, it’s one catastrophe after another. Filthy polluted water, unfinished facilities, diseases, bacteria, wads of gum on the sidewalks, fires, floaters in pools, leprosy, kidnapping, shootings, Zika skeeters smoking cigarettes and snorting cocaine. I’m telling you, it was ugly–– an impending hellhole of a doom show. We feared for all the athletes coming here, not that we care all that much. I mean, we got our sponsorship money,” the bigwig said flashing a smile of gold capped teeth encrusted with diamonds. He continued.
“But then, one of our guys got the bright idea we should just make the whole experience a reality show. So, we contacted the Survivor people and they were on board after we milked them for a hefty endorsement fee. Now we’ve got a reality show to rival this ‘Make Me The President!’ show the Democrats and Republicans are airing. Look, these athletes we have are buff, hot, and ready to play for keeps. Who needs medals when it’s your life on the line? Then, there’s the danger for people who are coming to be spectators. What are they going to do when they become the hunted, dodging javelins and what-have-you? Oh, it’s going to be a hell of a show. Commercial time’s selling like crazy.”
And so, millions and maybe even billions of people are expected to be tuning in to “Survivor: Rio” starting on August 5.