Christmas is a time for fuzzy slippers and fuzzy feelings for traditions, but one of the oldest traditions won’t happen this year thanks to a cranky ol’ St. Nick!
In a shocking revelation, Santa Claus held a press conference this morning in the North Pole and declared he would not be traveling this year on Christmas eve delivering presents “to all the good little boys and girls.”
“Look,” the overweight man stuffed in his red felt casing told The Lint Screen, “I’ve been doing this Christmas delivery gig every year for ages. Enough already! I’m an old man, for chrissakes, I should be enjoying retirement not schlepping all over Earth, squeezing down chimneys and eating tasteless, stale cookies and warm milk. What’s in it for me? A whole lot of nothing but pain and the potential for food poisoning!”
Santa appears exhausted and upset as he pours himself four fat fingers of Wild Turkey into a crystal tumbler.
“I’ve had a hell of a run, you know,” he said in a silky bourbon baritone. “I’ve listened to millions of spoiled, greedy kids pestering me for toys and whatnot–– like my elves are their personal slaves. I’ve listened to the thankless brats and smiled, but God, I’ve had enough of the this being jolly crap. Parents, you made the monsters, you get them whatever they want from Amazon or wherever and tell ’em it’s from me! Let Jeff Bezos, UPS and FedEx deliver the loot! You think I like smelling reindeer cracks? I’ve had it; I’m done. Me and the misses are Netflix and chillin’. Hey, if I don’t deserve a Christmas break, who the hell does?”
With that, Santa tossed back his tumbler and guzzled his Turkey. He reached for the bottle and poured himself another stiff one. “Merry Christmas, dammit! And to all a goodnight!”
World, be forewarned–– you’re on your own this Christmas.