The past week has been a turbulent one in the grand ol‘ state of Virginny.

The current Governor Ralph Northam was caught in a college yearbook photo wearing either blackface or a KKK hood, the African-American lieutenant governor Justin Fairfax is facing sexual assault charges, and next in line for succession, Attorney General Mark Herring admitting he once wore “brown face” to a costume party.

What’s a scandal-ridden commonwealth to do? Keep looking, that’s what!

Virginia has conducted a thorough search of its Democratic populace to find the next leader, and while many residents were considered, they were ultimately rejected for either wearing blackface, being in the KKK or dressing like they were, or sexual shenanigans.

But, at long last, a winner has finally emerged–– 14-year-old Teddy Gypson.

“It’s pretty cool,” the young man told The Lint Screen. “I’ll get a big office and I can eat pizza and McDonald’s every day. I can even play Playstation whenever I want because I’m the boss and anyone who doesn’t like it will be fired! I might even put up a wall around our borders to keep the grown-ups out. Yeah, I think I’m going to love this job a lot better than my paper route. Screw that crapola–– I’m going to be making news not delivering it!”

The Governor search committee feels confident Gypson has no skeletons in his closet.

“We asked him if he has ever worn blackface or if he owns a tin of shoe polish,” search committee chairperson Aimee Gunn said. “He didn’t know what the heck we were talking about. He also said he was ‘pretty chill with the babe-a-rooskis.’ I think it’s safe to say Teddy’s a virgin and pretty harmless. We’re feeling good about our new governor, and I don’t think we’ll ever have to ground him.”