President Recalls His “Christmas Miracle”

To hear President Donald J. Trump tell it, his life as the nation’s savior mirrors that of Jesus Christ.

“And nervous Nancy is like what’s his name–– Punky Pilot,” the Donald told The Lint Screen. “She sentences the grown-up Jesus, that’s me, to death with her phony, fake, very unfair impeachment. But, on Christmas eve, I was like little baby Jesus, and I was visited by three wise guys who carried great gifts.”

Trump says rather than sleeping in a manger, he was staying at Mar-A-Lago. “The beds are much better than a pile of hay. Sure, the beds here have a few bedbugs, but nothing too bad.” He continued.

“I have been treated very badly by the Democrats,” he said. “Their impeachment is a total witch hunt. It’s awful what they’re doing to me for making a perfect call.”

But, like the Christ child, he did not despair.

The President said while he was enjoying a slice of chocolate cake (“the most beautiful cake you’ve ever seen”), he was approached by Senator Mitch McConnell, Sen. Lindsay Graham, and Representative Kevin McCarthy.

“They appeared like visions from out of nowhere. They said they came from a faraway land called Washington,” the president said. “And they were bearing great gifts for their savior and redeemer. For they love me so much,” he said as his eyes got dewy.

“Mitch presented his testicles on a silver platter. Lindsay gave me his spine. And McCarthy, well, McCarthy gifted me with his integrity, which wasn’t much–– hardly anything at all, really––but it’s the thought that counts.”

The abused childlike president was thankful.

“It was a great gesture,” he said. “But the wise guys saved the best for last. They promised me the undying loyalty of the entire Republican party in supporting their king and overlord. And that’s quite a Christmas present, let me tell you.”

The president wiped his eye with his red silk tie. It fell to the floor and he composed himself.

“Of course, I would have preferred some gold. Lots of gold, actually. But, I forgive the cheap bastards.”