Although President Trump denies he lost the election, Joe Biden may soon be evicting him from The White House. But Donald J Trump is going to use his powers in the death rattle of his presidency.
Today, his ravishing daughter Ivanka Trump and her slip of a husband Jared Kushner announced they are opening a new enterprise for the president: a pop-up store called The Trump Pardons Shoppe.
“We are going to correct the grave injustices the unfair legal system has inflicted on good people,” Ivanka told The Lint Screen.
“It’s like a superstore for freedom,” Jared adds. “For a price.”
Ivanka explained the business plan of the latest Trump enterprise.
“President Trump will offer complete pardons to people,” she said. “It’s like a fairy godmother granting your wish. Shazam! Daddy can make it happen! Your rap sheet will go away, and johnny law won’t be able to touch you for those alleged crimes.”
“These include pesky things like murder,” Jared said, taking a deep breath. “And other crimes like antitrust violations, bankruptcy fraud, bribery, computer and internet fraud, counterfeiting, credit card fraud, economic espionage, trade secret theft, and…” Kushner collapses to the ground, hyperventilating.
Ivanka looks on in disgust and continues the list.
“Also embezzlement, environmental law violations, financial institution fraud, government fraud, healthcare fraud, insider trading, insurance fraud, intellectual property theft and piracy, kickbacks, mail fraud, money laundering, securities fraud, tax evasion, phone and telemarketing fraud, and public corruption… just to name a few.”
The president bursts into the room.
“Did you tell him about the grift?” Donald J. Trump asks.
“Not ‘grift’, Daddy,” Ivanka says, blushing. “Personal services offered.”
“Yeah, whatever,” the president says, pacing. “If someone’s in legal trouble, I’m their get out of jail free card. But it ain’t free! Nothing’s free.”
Trump almost trips on his collapsed son-in-law.
“Get this idiot out of here,” the president commands. “He drooled on the damn carpet, for Chrissakes.”
Mark Meadows scurries into the office, flings Kushner’s collapsed body over his shoulder, and scampers for the exit.
Asked what price is commanded for a full presidential pardon, Trump smiles.
“That depends,” he says. “Depends on the person’s loyalty, campaign contributions, obedience, and how much I think the hall pass is worth. If you’ve done a crime, I can disappear the time. Just call Ivanka, and she’ll arrange a meet. Then, we can start negotiations to make a deal.”
“And no matter what the cost,” Ivanka says, “it’s worth it. Only one man can give you freedom no matter what your crime.”
“Who can put a price on freedom?” Trump asks. “This guy can,” he answers, pointing his thumbs at himself.
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