Ethics are finally coming to Washington, D.C.!
In a bold measure, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts has announced “incredibly strong new ethics standards” for all Justices on his bench.
“I’m sick of reading the slanders against my Justices,” Roberts tells The Lint Screen. “The nine of us make up the highest court in the land. We are the rule of law in these United States, so naturally, we must be beyond reproach in our ethical practices and moral standing.”
The top legal beagle has been pestered about the questionable practices of Justice Clarance Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Samuel Alito, and Robert’s wife, who has made a fortune as a recruiter placing lawyers at firms with cases before the Court.
“I will be carefully policing my people,” Roberts said. “And anyone who accepts gifts or bribes over $10 million is going to get a pretty stern talking to, let me tell you,” Roberts says, wagging his finger. “I’m serious here. We are going to batten down the ethical hatches.”
Justice Thomas has been the most egregious recipient of gifts, especially from Texas rightwing billionaire Harlan Crow.
“I have a sugar daddy,” Thomas states. “So what? Lots of people have generous benefactors. I think the people complaining are just jealous. What about Sonia Sotomayor––she makes people buy her books for speaking engagements! She should be in prison. Or maybe get a neck rest on the guillotine.”
Thomas has also been criticized for not recusing himself from cases involving his kooky wife, Ginni, who had a critical role in promoting the big lie that Donald Trump won the 2020 election.
“The last thing I need is Ginni riding my butt,” Thomas says. “She can be a holy terror.”
Chief Justice Roberts smiles.
“Anyone with less than ten million cash can bend my ear anytime,” he says. “But God help you if you try and give me more.”
—————————————————————————-
Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.