Springfield’s richest man, mogul Charles Montgomery Burns, took to his proprietary social media channel BURNS-NET to interview presidential candidate Donald J. Trump and dastardly billionaire Elon Musk in a meeting of the minds that illuminated the current political scene.
After an hour and sixteen-minute delay caused by “cyber-attacks from evil enemies of progress,” the illuminating discussion got underway.
CMB: Tell me, Donald, about how the Democrats are cheating you.
DT: It’s disgraceful, Mr. Burns. They rigged the last election, Crooked Joe stole it from me, and now they’re trying to rig this one. They shoved Biden in the dirt and found this black or Indian person–– has a funny name. Kama-something-weird no one can pronounce. I don’t know what race she is, no one does–– but the person says she’s a woman. But you know, many people are saying he or she is transitioning, so they made her/him/whatever the candidate because they’re checking all the boxes. And now they’re acting like she’s popular. No one’s ever seen anything like it.
EM: Obviously a DEI hire.
DT: Exactly. And then, she picked a running mate who never fought in a war but says he did. Says he handled nuclear bombs, and all sorts of stuff. The guy’s a total fraud, and–
EM: I heard he’s not even rich.
CMB: What?!!! The man is a commoner? A peasant?!!!
DT: Worse than that… he was a teacher. High school. Not even private–– a public high school!
EM: Pathetic. Who the hell teaches? That’s a sucker’s game.
DT: Shut up, Elon, I was telling my grievances, about how the world is against me because I’m a self-made stable genius who never got a break. So, these two jokers, they’re awful, not-so-nice people, are going all over the country, and using AI to make fake huge crowds so it looks like they’re really popular, and the lamestream media gives them tons of coverage. They ignore me, the man who made America great again once. It’s very unfair.
EM: They’re out to get you. AI is very dangerous when you can’t control it, and that’s why I–
DT: Please, Elon, I’m talking over here. I’m trying to make America great once again, and I picked the perfect running mate, JD what’s-his-name, that guy with the ugly beard who screws furniture, and he is happy to do what that chickenshit Pence wouldn’t do.
EM: Pence should have been hanged. He was a treasonous traitor who–
DT: Elon, don’t make me smack you in your pumpkin head.
CMB: Oh, violence––excellent! Fight, fight!!! Let’s see bloodshed.
DT: Forgive, Elon, Mr. Burns, he’s an immigrant. He snuck into the country in a caravan. Very dangerous, caravans of millions of immigrants.
EM: No, Donald, you’re wrong. I’m a citizen who’s used American taxpayer dollars to build my multi-billion dollar businesses and control the universe.
DT: Quiet, Elon. You’re not half the businessman I am. Why, I was born into poverty, barely had bootstraps to pull myself up…
AND SO IT WENT FOR SIX HOURS…
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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.
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