Billionaire Elon Musk is quite the scamp.
The DOGE head recently made headlines at CPAC when he brandished a chainsaw and waved it around.
“Look at me, everyone,” he crowed. “I’m just like one of the big boys!”
Musk and his army of 20-something jock-sniffers have been indiscriminately slashing the federal workforce and gathering personal information on every American. While many of the cuts they’ve made later were considered essential personnel, the government is scrambling as it attempts to hire them back. Musk dismisses criticism that he and his crew are performing surgery with a chainsaw.
“Don’t worry,” Musk tells The Lint Screen. “I have been empowered by glorious President Trump, who has never made a mistake; therefore, I also never make boo-boos. I’m so confident in my chainsaw skills that I am going to perform a circumcision on my latest bastard child. And I will do an excellent job.”
Musk has sired thirteen children with a mix of wives and baby mamas.
“Women naturally love me,” he says, tipping his black MAGA cap. “I have a fantastic personality, ooze charisma, got more money than God, fashion model looks, and I’m a lot of fun to be around. Like President Trump, I firmly believe in Christian family values. One day, I even hope to meet some of my children. At least the kids who will talk to me.”
Musk powers up his chainsaw, is startled by the noise, drops it on the floor, and almost chops off his foot. The world’s richest man runs off-stage screaming.
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