On his reality TV show The Apprentice, Donald Trump was cast as a brilliant businessman despite a legacy of failed businesses, bankruptcies, and a deadbeat reputation for paying his bills. However, as President, Trump acts like a global economic mastermind.
“Everyone’s been ripping America off,” con man Trump says. So the mad king instituted tariffs on 90 countries. World leaders hired four-year-old Brian M. for advice on negotiating with Trump. The boy analyzed hundreds of tapes of Trump’s speeches and came to the following conclusions:
- Trump likes to throw temper tantrums
- He is a whiny bitch crybaby
- He likes to act tough
- He’s a bully
- He’s not very smart
- He loves himself, and nobody else
- He’s a crook, and he’s greedy
- He wants to be feared
- He loves having his butt kissed
- Trump can be fooled
Brian advised that the best approach for world leaders to take when negotiating with Trump is to act like they are afraid of him.
“I told them to pretend they are crying and call him ‘sir’ a lot,” Brian tells The Lint Screen.
Brian also suggested complimenting him.
“Trump loves Trump––a mirror is his best friend,” the pint-sized shrink says. “I told my clients to compliment him a bunch. Lie to him. Talk about his athletic body, brilliant mind, and how all women are attracted to him. Tell him he’s the greatest president ever. Say he’d make a great Pope. The goofball will buy it all.”
Brian has one last piece of advice if these techniques don’t work.
“Trump’s a crook, a grifter,” he says. “So slip him some money. Stay at his hotels, resorts, or buy his bogus crypto coin. As long as the blowhard can make a buck, he’ll back down. He’s only it for himself.”
Brian excused himself for an appointment.
“I have to pitch a fit to get KFC for dinner,” the baby Freud said.
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