Speaker of the House Mike Johnson “got naughty” with himself and regrets it greatly.
Jack Johnson’s iPhone 16 buzzed wildly as he self-flagellated with a cat o’ nine tales in his bedroom, part of his daily worship ritual.
When the young man looked at his phone, he felt a tightening in the pit of his stomach.
“It confirmed what I feared most,” Jack tells The Lint Screen. “It was my Covenant Eyes app alerting me that my father was on a website with illicit women doing sinful acts of bodily pleasure.” The son bows his head in disgrace. “It was my worst nightmare.”
Jack is the “accountability partner” for his father, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. The app alerts the designated person if their accountability partner is on pornographic websites.
“Yes, it was true,” Mike Johnson confesses. “I went to the website christianhotties.com and pleasured myself.” The bespeckled man removes his glasses and wipes tears from his eyes. “I succumbed to Satan’s temptation. I was so elated that I had shepherded President Trump‘s One Big Beautiful Bill through the House of Representatives’ approval process that I was compelled to let off a little steam. And tragically, I subjected millions of potential lives to instant death.” He breaks down sobbing. “I killed a future generation of little Mike Johnsons. Imagine what they could have done for White Christian Nationalism.”
“My Pop’s usually a very righteous and pious man,” Jack says. “But now his sinning has brought shame to our family. I will double my self-flagellation sessions on his behalf and beg for the Lord’s forgiveness.”
“The only silver lining is that because of my actions in Congress, millions of poor people will go hungry and have worse health,” Speaker Johnson says. “And the upper 5% will receive healthy tax breaks so that they will be richer. That is something I can take pride in.” He gives a twitchy smile. “I’ll be a hero at Mar-A-Lago.”
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