Trump Springs Maxwell From Prison Cell to Fifth Ave. Penthouse

President Pedo-Perv Donald J. Trump is fed up with hearing questions about his relationship with his best friend, pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

“I never met Epstein,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Some people say he was not such a nice guy. There are many conspiracy theories about him. I never repeat a conspiracy theory because it’s just rumors. I only deal in cold, hard facts. Why aren’t you asking me about the incredible job I’m doing? I’ve cut inflation by 1,000 percent, lowered gas prices to a nickel a gallon, and slashed drug prices 5,000 percent. No one’s ever seen these kinds of numbers. People have never had so much money.”

Trump recently told his Justice Department to release Ghislaine Maxwell from a Florida prison where she was serving 20 years for sex trafficking underage girls for Epstein. The self-described “law-abiding, very honest” president wants her moved into a luxurious penthouse on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan.

“On the campaign trail, I promised the death penalty for sex traffickers,” Trump says. “But what’s happened to Ghislaine is criminal. Everyone makes mistakes. So what if she trafficked hundreds of underage girls? She served time in prison, a very bad place, and was persecuted, like me, very unfairly. To make up for the injustice she has suffered, I’ve instructed Attorney General Pam Bondi to purchase a luxurious penthouse on Fifth Avenue to help her recover from the awful situation she has endured. It’s the right thing to do.”

The shifty orange conman is asked if the penthouse was quid pro quo for not revealing Trump’s name being plastered throughout the Epstein files as a client and deviant.

“Absolutely not,” he barks angrily. “Obama, Comey, and sleepy Joe Biden are trying to pin their hoax on me. I don’t know this–– what’s his name again? Epsplean, Eggstein, Epstream––whatever, I never met him. And I don’t know Ghislaine Maxwell either. But many people say she’s very good with children.”

Trump ables away nervously.

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