Author: PD Scullin

Sen. Tommy Tuberville is sick and tired of being blamed for stonewalling hundreds of military promotions that hurt our nation’s defense readiness.

“Everyone needs to take a deep breath and relax,” the ex-Auburn football coach tells The Lint Screen. “It’s not like there is any turmoil brewing in the world right this minute. The U.S. Military is in fine shape as it is. And there’s no danger on the horizon, near as I can tell.”

Tuberville has successfully blocked all senior military promotions since February because he does not support the Pentagon’s policy of paying for travel when a service member has to go out of state to get an abortion or other reproductive care. 

“Seems to me there’s an easy solution here,” Coach T. says. “Get the little ladies out of their military uniforms, into their dresses, pumps, and aprons, and back into the kitchen where they belong. I’m no chauvinist, but that is the easiest way forward here. Men never need an abortion,” he chuckles. “But they surely love a good pot roast dinner with little yeast rolls. I know I do, especially when those tasty rolls are slathered with warm butter!” Tuberville rubs his belly and grins.

The Alabama Senator who lives in Florida believes the world is a peaceful place.

“People seem to be getting along much better everywhere,” Tuberville claims. “It’s not like we’ve got some pressing need to make our military as strong as possible. I’m not holding up anything other than some generals’ egos. I suggest everybody take a chill pill. The world is at peace. Let’s enjoy the calm.”

Tuberville smiles. “Tell you what,” he says. “I got me a mighty powerful hankerin’ for some pot roast!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and hit the road for a good time.

Twice-impeached, four times indicted, disgraced ex-president facing 91 felony charges, Donald J. Trump got his wish––another stooge to wield the gavel in The House of Representatives.

After alleged sex trafficker Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz gave das boot to Trump-toady California Rep. Kevin McCarthy as Speaker, the GOP-led House found its new leader after three weeks of backbiting and infighting. He’s Louisiana Rep. Mike Johnson, one of the architects of supporting Trump’s big lie of having won the 2020 election.

“I love Donald J. Trump,” John tells The Lint Screen in Washington as Donald Trump’s lips barely move, sitting in a Manhattan courtroom. “He was America’s best leader, sent here by God to save our great country. I am proud to do everything possible to get President Trump back in office.”

In Manhattan, Trump takes a long sip of water, and Johnson’s mouth becomes slack-jawed. Then the wooden man-child speaks again.

“I will do everything in my power to prove America needs our glorious leader back in the Oval Office,” Johnson says. “And that Trump is innocent in all the witch hunts against him. It is unfair. Very unfair.”

As Trump stormed out of his civil fraud trial in Manhattan, Johnson collapsed, at a loss for words.

“The show’s over,” said Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan. “We got our new leader. Now get the hell out of here!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Walking, talking turd Rep. Jim Jordan wants to become the GOP Speaker of The House, and he’ll do anything to get the job.

Jordan’s term began in 2006, and he has never successfully had a piece of legislation pass the House. But he thinks that makes him well-qualified to lead the group of 435 lawmakers.

“I am Donald J. Trump’s main man,” Jordan tells The Lint Screen. “I kissed his ass so hard he gave me a medal. And I will do whatever he commands.”

Jordan is suspected to be a key figure in the January 6, 2021, attempted coup against a free and fair election. And now he wants those “patriots” to rally to his cause.

“I need MAGA nation to show its support of one of Trump’s most loyal puppets,” Jordan says. “They can help me help him. And if they somehow land in jail, they can count on a recording contract with me reading the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump. We’ll show Taylor Swift how to sell records!”

The Ohio shirt-sleeved suck-up believes he is “a lock” for the job of House Speaker.

“Anyone who crosses me crosses the big guy,” Jordan claims. “And they will have to suffer the consequences. Don’t go thinking your precious democracy is going to save you. That is toast. We call the shots, you do or die.”

Jordan smiles. “Want me to roll up my sleeves for a picture?” he asks. “I can look real tough.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

New York Republican Representative George Santos may have finally gone too far, even for the GOP.

Santos became a controversial figure when reporters discovered his background was a total fabrication, including graduating from Baruch College, working for Goldman Sachs, and curing cancer.

“These are small embellishments,” Santos tells The Lint Screen. “Who doesn’t put some shine on their apple?”

He also managed to lend his campaign $700,000 while only making $55,000 annually.

“I’m good with money,” he claims. “What can I say?”

But recently, boxes of 19 severed heads were found in Santos’ Congressional office.

“I like decapitating people,” the pudgy wannabe lawmaker says. “Where’s the crime in that? My hobby engages others. Big deal.”

The creepy crook has also been caught stealing the identities of credit card donors and buying things for himself.

“I told you, I’m good with a buck,” is his defense. “I don’t think my supporters mind supporting me a little extra.”

There are also scads of other illegal and unethical charges against Santos, but it seems the severed heads have drawn the ire of other New York GOP Representatives.

“I think George’s serial killing may be a step too far,” says Rep. Marc Molinaro. “There’s no issue with getting bribes of gold bars, stacks of cash, and having billionaires footing the bill for luxury travel and vacations to influence your court decisions. That’s acceptable lobbying. But come on, we’ve got to draw the line somewhere.”

“I plan to fight this,” proclaims Santos. “Even if it takes my machete.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Teen grappler Matt Gaetz managed to give House Speaker Kevin McCarthy das boot out of the ring, and now there’s a rumble underway for the gavel to lead the loonies in the GOP.

Two MAGA heavyweights, Rep. (LA) Steve “The Slammer” Scalise and Rep. (OH) Jim “The Jock-Sniffer” Jordan, have announced they will square off in a “cage match to the death or until one of us gets an ouchie” for the House Speakership.

It’s being billed as The Battle for The Gavel. The fight will be held in the U.S. House of Representatives on Wednesday, November 11th, officiated by the QAnon Shaman, who presided over the House on January 6, 2021, during the failed coup attempt of the disgraced twice-impeached, convicted fraud ex-President Donald J. Trump.

“This thing’s gonna be huge,” said a jacketless Jim Jordan. “I used to be an Ohio State wrestling coach, so I know how to snap towels and smack the asses of hot young guys. I’m going to clean Scalise’s clock.” He pauses, looking concerned. “I did say ‘clock,’ right?”

Scalise thinks Jordan is dead wrong.

“Jim talks a tough game,” the ragin’ cajan tells The Lint Screen, “but I’m gonna open a can of whoop ass on that boy. I’ll mop the floor with him and throw him out with the dirty water. That gavel is as good as mine.”

“Steve is nuts,” retorts Jordan. “I’m impeaching Biden on bupkis. I am Trump’s boy. No one kisses his fat ass harder. Hell, he even gave me a medal for keeping his bottom spotless. The gavel will be in my fist after this fight, and I’ll use it to pound Scalise into the ground.”

“We’ll see about that, jock-sniffer,” Scalise says, taking a wad of tobacky and plugging it into his gob. “That boy don’t know what he’s in for. I’m Trump’s bitch ’til the end.”

Matt Gaetz smiles, looking on at the combatants.

“I don’t care who the House Speaker is,” the Florida perv says. “I own them, and I’ll burn down the House if I don’t get my way. I got elected to prove the government doesn’t work.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced twice-impeached, convicted rapist, four times indicted ex-President and would-be coup leader Donald J. Trump has been found liable for fraud by a New York judge who said he overstated his wealth by as much as $2.2 billion in one year. His business, like his university and charity fund, are proven frauds.

“This guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Trump tells The Lint Screen as we try to ignore the pompous ass. “He calls me a fraud––well, I call him a fraud. He obviously never watched TV.”

Trump says avid TV watchers know he is “the most honest, straight shooter there is” and that she should always be trusted completely.

“Anyone who watched my hit TV series The Apprentice, which was viewed by over 10 billion people weekly, knows that I am the most brilliant businessman ever,” Trump boasts. “If everyone knows I’m a genius, why would I need to lie? I’m the richest man in the world. Case closed. Trump is innocent! Another witch hunt exposed and killed.”

The lumbering oaf is just getting started.

“All the historians have been saying for years I was the greatest American President in history,” he smiles. “That’s a fact. Look it up. Everyone says so. I presidented better than anyone has ever seen before. People never saw that kind of tremendous presidenting. Then doddering Joe Biden stole the election from me because he was jealous, which is a damn shame because he is ruining our country.”

Trump’s orange face gets beet red.

“I beat Biden by over six trillion votes, fair and square. And true American patriots got so angry they revolted and stormed the Capitol. I love those people. My people. When I get back in the Oval Office, I’ll give them all Medals of Freedom and then get my revenge on those crooks who cheated me.”

Trump has already said when elected, he will ignore The Constitution, limit free speech if it does not support him completely, and get retribution from his enemies. He may even execute Gen. Mark Milley.

“We can’t allow a silly thing like democracy to ruin Trump’s second term,” the orange menace bellows. “Anyone who disobeys me will be executed. It’s the only fair thing to do. I am not a fraud. I am the real deal. Remember that, Judge!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.