The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Trump Asks His Cult to Support “My All-Star Legal Defense Team”

    Trump Asks His Cult to Support “My All-Star Legal Defense Team”

    Donald J. Trump has legal stars representing him in “witch hunts.”

    Poor Donald J. Trump. The man never got a break. At least that’s what he tells The Lint Screen.

    “I was born into poverty,” he recalls. “Living on the mean streets of Hell’s Kitchen. I had nothing. I ate rats. Such awful meat– rat meat. Stringy. But I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and became the most successful real estate developer in history. The ‘TRUMP’ name was gold. Pure gold. I made billions, and they gave me The Apprentice, and it was the biggest show in history. Then America elected me President, and I was the greatest president ever. Everyone says so. But the evil Biden crime family came after me. They’re bad people, Joe and Hunter. Very not nice.”

    Trump pauses, sips Diet Coke, and continues.

    “Joe Biden stole my election in 2020,” claims the disgraced twice-impeached, thrice-indicted ex-President. “And now Biden has his Justice Department pit bulls chasing me with their neverending witch hunts.“

    The beleaguered GOP leading candidate says he now needs help from patriots who believe in justice.

    “Americans need to show their red, white, and blue patriotism by forking over some serious green,” the con man begins. “I’ve hired the best legal minds in history to represent me in these witch hunts. I have Matlock, Perry Mason, Lionel Hutz, Jack McCoy, Saul Goodman, Vincent Gambini, Jackie Chiles, and Atticus Finch pleading my cases, proving my innocence. It’s an All-Star Defense Team. But these great legal minds don’t come cheap. They demand the big bucks. I need money––serious money to keep my legal team fed and dressed in briefs.”

    The embittered victim has an assistant crush his Diet Coke can as evidence of his rage.

    “It’s time for all patriots to act,” Trump pleas. “If we let Jack Smith and his crooked thugs take my legs out in the presidential race, America will become a hellhole. Only I can save the country and make it great again. White again. Give me your 401-Ks, savings accounts, and mortgages. Break your kids’ piggy banks, and sell your blood and organs. Do whatever it takes to get money because I need many more patriots than those who showed their support on January 6. Because this time, it’s for real, and it’s what God wants. He told me. We’re very close, me and the Big G. Nice guy, God. Very nice.”

    Trump rubs his hands together greedily.

    “That should do the trick,” he says, smiling.

    —————————————————————————-

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

  • Florida Board of Education: “Slavery wasn’t really all that bad”

    FL legislators meet to discuss new history lessons.

    Roy Turner, leader of The Florida Board of Education, thinks slavery has been given a bad rap, and he and his group plan to change its image.

    “We have been teaching kids all the wrong lessons about slavery,” Turner tells The Lint Screen. “And we are going to right that wrong.”

    Effective immediately, Florida students will learn the many “positive aspects of American slavery.”

    “For far too long, people have only looked at the ‘woke’ version of history,” Turner says, shaking his head. “No one ever talks about the fact that slavery gave blacks 100% employment. Good gravy, it’s the only time in history that’s happened, but no one ever talks about it. Let’s take pride in it!”

    Turner also believes there were many good things about being owned by a prosperous landowner.

    “Slaves didn’t have to worry about room or board,” he says. “It was free. You put in a good day’s work, you get a full belly and a good night’s sleep. That’s a simple lesson in responsibility––and their masters gave them many valuable life lessons like that free of charge.”

    The hooded leader of Florida education also said slaves “benefitted by learning skills they could use later to make some serious money.” Turner explains.

    “Most of the slaves came to America unskilled,” he says. “That’s a fact. On the plantations, they had training programs––offered free so that slaves could learn valuable skills like blacksmithing, nannying, cooking, maybe auto repair, electrical work, or plumbing––you know, practical skills that could be valuable on the open market.”

    Turner thinks people have been “brainwashed by the woke baby blood-drinking liberals who worship Satan.“

    “Our Florida kids need protection from woke history,” Turner said. “That stuff makes white kids sad. You look at Gone With The Wind– those blacks were awfully happy. Singing and whatnot. We need to look at the bright side of slavery. We will also teach them that Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy. He’s another guy the woke mob is out to make look like a villain. There is way too much negative history out there, but you’re not going to find that in The Sunshine State! We’ll put a smile on the past and feel good about our proud history.”

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

  • “Biden is helping people and making them soft,” says MTG

    “Biden is helping people and making them soft,” says MTG

    Marjorie thinks Biden is pampering people too much.

    Looney Lady Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene made a blistering speech at the Turning Point Action Conference recently. She attacked President Joe Biden for “helping people” and “depriving them of the opportunity to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. It’s disgraceful.”

    Greene, who is rarely tethered to reality, compared Biden to FDR and LBJ.

    “If you look at history,” MTG tells The Lint Screen, “FDR and LBJ are two of the worst presidents ever. Frankie Roosevelt and Linton Johnson were socialists like Joe Biden. These bleeding hearts wanted to help widows and orphans, old folks, unions, the unemployed, poor people, and minorities being discriminated against––all this woke crap. Why? Because they do not believe in the grit and guts of citizens to weather storms and pull themselves up by the bootstraps. Helping others in need has never been the American Way.”

    Greene thinks Biden is “very dangerous” because he wants to invest in social programs, infrastructure, and the environment.

    “We don’t need to rebuild America,” Greene crows. “Biden must think American workmanship is lousy if he wants to replace or repair bridges that are only a hundred or two hundred years old. Doesn’t he know American-made products are eternal?”

    The blond nutcase also thinks Medicare and Medicaid are “cushy entitlement programs” that make Americans soft.

    “If grandpa needs a hip replacement, he can do it himself,” Greene says. “He doesn’t need a government wet nurse. Find a YouTube video on hip replacements, and sharpen the steak knives, Gramps! The GOP believes in American ingenuity and gumption––not coddling.”

    MTG suggests Americans get smart about life.

    “Consult your legal team and tax advisors,” she says. “You don’t need Bidenomics or Obamacare handouts. You just need a good grift and an offshore account.”

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

  • DeSantis: “I’m a prick, I hate just about everyone”

    DeSantis: “I’m a prick, I hate just about everyone”

    Gov. Ron DeSantis claims to take hate to new levels.

    Sunny Florida’s dark despot, Gov. Ron DeSantis, is traveling America, making his case for being our next president. He claims his biggest asset is hating.

    “If someone’s different from me,” DeSantis tells The Lint Screen, “I’ll hate them with the fiery passion of 1,000 hellfires. I’ll take away their rights and freedoms, ban their books, harass them mercilessly, and do everything short of imprisoning them––because that’s my idea of democracy. Once elected, I will build camps and house different people to achieve conformity and order. Outsiders better beware.”

    Desantis has exceptions.

    “I like women,” he says. “I like when they do what I tell them. They don’t know what’s best, so men like me must control decision-making about their bodies. The poor little lassies can’t choose for themselves unless that choice is to follow three steps behind and obey my directives.”

    He especially hates the LGBTQ+ community, transgender people, cross-dressers, minorities, “woke corporations,” and those who practice non-Christian religions.

    “Getting on Team Ronnie D. is easy,” he says, smiling. “Be a guy, white, and Christian, and agree with everything I say. Do that and we’ll get along just fine.”

    DeSantis is getting crushed in election polling by the twice-impeached, indicted, and disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump, yet, the Florida man rarely says a cross word about him.

    “I know how to win,” DeSantis crows. “The other guy does not win all that often. He was a great leader, and Biden cheated him out of his second term. But I am a great winner and a bigger prick than him because I’ll hate those not like us more than he will. I want to unite Americans in my hatred.”

    El Grande Prick-o gets nervous and sweats realizing he may have said something critical of Trump.

    “If the other guy does become the GOP candidate,” he stammers, “I have enough courage and backbone to say I’d back him 110%!”

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

  • “Who would believe me?” Trump asks after audio leak

    “Who would believe me?” Trump asks after audio leak

    The prankster lets America in on the joke.

    Oh, that, Donald! You never know what he’ll do next.

    After the recent release of an audio tape with the twice-impeached disgraced ex-President, as he showed top secret Iran invasion war plans to visitors, Trump vehemently denies it.

    “There were no secret plans,” the con man says. “I was showing plans for–– I don’t know–– maybe a building, a golf course, or something else. Something that’s definitely not top secret. It was a joke. Everyone knows what a crazy sense of humor I have. They say I was the funniest president ever. I had much better material than Kennedy, Abe Lincoln, or Ben Franklin.”

    An aide whispers that Franklin was never president, and Trump gets visibly upset.

    “You’re wrong. His picture’s on American money,” he says, crossing his arms, scowling. “Don’t ever correct me,” he admonishes his aide, who has dropped to the floor and assumed a prostration position before him. “Make one more mistake, and you’re fired.”

    “Yes, Mr. President,” she says. “I shall obey.”

    “You’d better,” he says. “Now, get up, and bring me a Diet Coke.” The aide hurries out of the room.

    Trump smiles. “Let’s get serious,” he says. “Why would anyone believe me? I’m a known prankster. A regular Allen Funt. It’s too bad there was no video because you would have seen I was kidding around. There were no secret documents. If anyone knows how to keep a secret, it’s me.”

    Trump sorts through piles of papers on his desk.

    “Hey, you want to see the location of some secret missile sites?” he asks. “I’ve also got a list of double agents working for the CIA. How about some nudie pics of my wife, Melania? I have cameras in her room. She’s very photogenic. A real hottie.”

    The joker smiles as his aide arrives with his Diet Coke.

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • “Hunter’s sweetheart deal threatens law-abiding Americans,” says Boebert

    “Hunter’s sweetheart deal threatens law-abiding Americans,” says Boebert

    Good citizen Rep. Lauren Boebert believes in law and order!

    Feisty patriot Rep. Lauren Boebert is outraged at “the gross, God-awful injustice” received by Hunter Biden.

    “This guy got a little slap on the wrist and a Hershey’s kiss,” Boebert tells The Lint Screen. “The illegal Justice Department is sending vicious attack dogs to bloody our great leader Donald Trump––and all he did was attempt an insurrection, steal some silly nuclear secrets, and try to overturn a rigged election everyone knows he won. It’s a two-tiered justice system.”

    Boebert is especially concerned that President Joe Biden’s son will not be serving serious jail time for possessing a firearm while using drugs.

    “You can’t let any looney tune brandish a deadly weapon,” Boebert declares. “We need right-minded MAGA citizens armed and ready to defend their rights against government over-regulation and tyranny. We need to ban trans, books that mention history, dinosaurs that don’t believe in evolution, slavery that’s filthy with white guilt and anyone that does not agree with white Christians. What Biden’s son did was the worst thing ever. Hunter is a clear and present danger. I suggest all Americans arm themselves with AR-15s and any weapon they can secure.”

    Boebert thinks the Biden Justice Department is “playing pattycakes” when investigating Democrats and “unleashing unholy, unfair hellfire” on Republicans.

    “It’s clear to me that Joe Biden is a communist,” she says. “He’s been talking about crazy things–– socialized medicine, feeding poor people, battling climate change, making corporations and billionaires pay their fair share of taxes, and rebuilding our infrastructure. Why? Does he think something is wrong with our great nation––the one Donald Trump was making great again until he was cheated out of re-election?”

    We can sleep well at night knowing Lauren Boebert and her justice-seeking pals are looking out for our best interests.

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.