The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Putie-Vision to Debut “Tucker Truth Time” Show

    Putie-Vision to Debut “Tucker Truth Time” Show

    Comrade Tucker Carlson will soon broadcast again.

    Fox News fired its most popular host Tucker Carlson on Monday. Today, Mikhail Robninikov, the president of the Russian propaganda news network Putie-Vision, announced Carlson would be hosting a new show on May 1st.

    “We are excited to have Comrade Carlson on our team,” Robninikov tells The Lint Screen. “He will be most important asset to Putie-Vision. The launch date of May the first is important for it is ‘The Day of Spring and Labour,’ a popular holiday in Mother Russia with parades and many destructive weapons displayed.”

    Putie-Vision recently launched in most USA markets as a pipeline of pure Russian propaganda.

    “We shall battle liberal channels like Fox News, Newsmax, and One America News Network,” Robninikov declares. “Comrade Tucker was good asset at Fox, but now he can be unleashed. Tucker Truth Time will be unfiltered, allowing him to speak his mind completely.”

    Robninikov believes Tucker’s loyal fans will follow him to Putie-Vision.

    “We expect big rating surge thanks to Comrade Tucker,” the network exec says. “And will secure even more viewers when we debut Donald J. Trump Fearless Leader Time sponsored by Mr. Pillow.”

    The Russian becomes animated as he continues.

    “This show will allow glorious American leader to tell of the many slights he has suffered and list his many grievances. He will speak of bold new future awaiting Amerika under his bold and strong leadership after landslide victory beating evil Joe Biden. Comrade Trump’s co-host will be Comrade Marjorie Taylor Greene––most beautiful woman with big brain.”

    The pudgy fifty-something Russian laughs.

    “Check and mate, Rupert Murdoch,” he says, smiling. “We win war!”

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • “Viewers cost Fox News $787.5 million,” the legal team claims

    “Viewers cost Fox News $787.5 million,” the legal team claims

    The Fox News legal team is happy to finally get out of the spotlight as the winners accept settlement.

    Michael Dewey of the legal firm Dewey, Cheatem & Howe, representing Fox News, spoke with The Lint Screen following the recent Dominion Voting Systems case settlement.

    “This case was a travesty of justice,” Dewey says. “Fox News only did what its viewers demanded–– present a believable argument why America’s greatest president, President Trump, lost the 2020 election. He was cheated. He had to be. How else could Joe Biden have won? So Fox anchors did what they had to and fed the beast. They tickled the belly of viewership. And now poor Mr. Murdoch has to pay the piper.”

    Randall Cheatem gives his partner rabbit punches to his kidneys. “Talk about journalistic integrity, stupid,” he whispers.

    “Oh, yeah,” Dewey says, wincing in pain. “It’s crucial the public knows Fox News may have said some things that were not quite in the ZIP code of non-falsehoods, but the organization still stands for the utmost journalistic integrity standards. Viewers can believe everything they hear on Fox News because… well, just because it’s Fox News. I mean, Tucker Carlson would never lie.”

    Atty. Kenneth Howe thinks the enormous payout is a criminal act.

    “Dominion Voting Systems is a big baby,” Howe says. “This case proves they can’t take a punch. Our legal system is seriously broken when something like this can happen. A well-respected news organization makes a minor boo-boo, and suddenly, the woke company screams foul! This preposterous payout is a classic example of an organization looking for a nanny state.”

    Off in the distance, the remains of Rupert Murdoch, shrouded in a dark, hooded robe and carrying a scythe, points a bony finger beckoning his legal team for a “consultation.”

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • A couple dudes rapping about their love of dictators

    A couple dudes rapping about their love of dictators

    Daddy D tells the Tuck Man what’s what with world leaders.

    Last night, America witnessed disgraced twice-impeached, recently indicted ex-President Donald J. Trump chewing the fat with Russian propagandist stooge Tucker Carlson, who was sitting on a phone book to look like a big boy.

    “America is awful,” Trump told Friar Tuck. “We’re the worst country on earth. A shit-hole. Our military is horrible. The FBI and IRS are hunting down Trump voters and killing them. Our economy has collapsed, unemployment is 98%, the stock market has crashed, and people are eating rats, cockroach stew, mud pies––anything they can get their hands on. Joe Biden has ruined everything I worked so hard to do to make America great again.”

    Carlson bobbed his head like a German Shepherd bobblehead in an earthquake.

    “Look at other world leaders,” Trump continued. “Putin and Xi are top of the line. Very smart guys. So smart. Vlad invaded Ukraine. He’s bombing citizens, hospitals, killing kids, and sending a clear message––’I’m strong and tough. Give up! Ukraine is mine!’ Putin is Brilliant.”

    Tucker smiles. “I love comrade Vladimir. He’s a good man. A great leader.”

    “Yes, he is Tuckinator,” Trump says. “Putin and I got along great because we respected each other. I kept him in line by trying to dissemble NATO and trashing our intelligence agencies because I trusted his word.”

    “And what about President Xi in China?” Tucksidoodle asks.

    “Xi is also a wonderful leader,” Trump says. “Like Putin, he knows you have to control the narrative. You tell people what the truth is. If citizens get out of line, if they question you, you’ve got to send them to prison or labor camps. If journalists cross you, do like MBS in Saudi Arabia and saw them into pieces. That’s the only way to govern. The iron fist rules.”

    “You know a lot about leadership, Mr. President,” Tucky-Wucky-Woodle coos.

    “I can’t wait to get back into office again,” Trump says. “I will get revenge on all those who doubted me. And all the witch hunters. We’ll free the January 6 patriots and start extracting justice and retribution.”

    “Sound like an excellent platform,” What The Tuck says. “You’ve got my vote.”

    “Good. And God help anyone who doesn’t vote for me,” Trump says, punching his fist into his open palm. “They’ll see I’m playing politics for keeps.”

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • DeSantis: “I’m a bad boy like Trump. Back me, GOP.”

    Gov. Puss in Boots is ready for the Oval Office.

    Florida culture warrior and Gov. Ron DeSantis has been making subtle moves indicating a run for the presidency––publishing a book, becoming a Fox News darling, and fighting the woke. But one thing he hasn’t done––pick a fight with the GOP’s great White House hope––disgraced twice-impeached, and recently indicted ex-President Donald J. Trump.

    Until now, that is!

    DeSantis visited The Lint Screen offices in Tallahassee to discuss his presidential hopes.

    “I’m a lot like Donald Trump,” DeSantis said, cramming his mouth with fistfuls of Nacho Cheese Doritos. “I’m a bad boy. A naughty ragamuffin. I’m no damn good. While I feel for the unfair treatment of the former president, I think American citizens should know I will do a lot worse. I like sinning, so if the GOP is looking for the anti-law and order guy, they got him in this sexy package.”

    DeSantis smiles, crossing his legs and sending shafts of blinding sunlight reflected off his white booties dancing across walls.

    “I’m what the GOP needs,” DeSantis says. “I am a fighter––a scoop of Florida sand in the Vaseline of political correctness. I took on Disney, women’s reproductive rights, and loosened gun controls so every citizen can carry a gun like a desperado in the Wild West. AR-15s are cool by me. Hell, toss hand grenades for all I care. I also fought covid vaccines. I’ve made every day in Florida like playing the lottery. Feelin’ lucky, punk?” He grins.

    “I also have fought drag queens who read,” DeSantis claims. “Literacy and cross-dressing don’t mix. And I’ve rewritten history books so white people never feel guilty. I’m making mayo on white bread, the order of the day.”

    The Grubbynor shovels more Doritos into his gob, working his jaw like a beaver in a balsa wood forest.

    “Don’t get me wrong,” he says, orange crumbs falling from the corners of his mouth. “I still love Trump and think he is the second coming. But in case he can’t make it to the White House due to legal problems, I’m on deck, and getting oranger by the day.”

    He thrusts two orange-dusted thumbs into the air and dances the mashed potato in his spiffy white boots.

    “Back, Ron,” he shouts. “He’s the bad-boy bomb!”

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    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Lindsay Cries Over Trump Persecution– “It’s Worse Than Jesus”

    Southern Belle bawls on Hannity over the way his savior is treated.

    South Carolina Senator and Belle of the Ball Lindsay Graham went on Fox News‘s Hannity show last night and turned on the waterworks.

    “What happened to Donald J. Trump is an American tragedy,” Graham said with teary eyes. “It’s worse than the attack on Pearl Harbor or 9-11. We were able to bounce back from those, but this? I’m not so sure. We’ve never seen such a sad day in our history.”

    Graham was outraged because yesterday, the twice-impeached disgraced ex-president made history again––becoming the first former president slapped with criminal charges when Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg hit him with 34 felony counts for concealing his payments to pornstar Stormy Daniels. Here’s free legal advice: don’t try cheating the tax man.

    “Ironically, this persecution of Trump happened during Holy Week,” Graham said, bawling like a baby. “Jesus got a raw deal getting nailed to the cross, but Trump’s treatment is even worse. Like Jesus, God sent him here to save us, and this is the thanks Trump gets––he’s treated like a common criminal!“

    Hannity comforted the sobbed senator who blew through a box of Kleenex during a commercial break. When the show returned, Lindsay began his pitchman mode.

    “People, we need your help,” he said, looking in the camera and into America’s living rooms. “Won’t you help save our greatest president ever? He needs your support. Although he is a billionaire, you need to scrape together all your cash and send it to him through my website––lindsaygraham.org. I will send every penny to Trump’s defense fund after I wet my beak.”

    Graham got choked up as he batted his pretty eyes.

    “You have got to help, Mr. and Mrs. America,” he said. “If you don’t have money, sell a kidney, your children, your home, and your car. Send me the money. Every dollar makes a difference when we’re trying to save our hellhole of a nation by saving the only man who can make it great again––Donald Trump.”

    He sniffled. “I’m also asking you to pray for him. I spend a lot of time on my knees before President Trump. He loves it. Prayers work. Help me support our god in his time of need.”

    Graham looks across the table at the show host.

    “Sean,” he said. “I’m going to need a shoulder to cry on, you hunka hunka burnin’ love,” The spineless weasel scooting closer.

    “You got it, Lindsay,” Hannity said. “I’m here for you, buddy. Always.”

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    Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • GOP: “We must protect kids from history books and drag queens”

    Loonie House Republicans are working hard for the most pressing issues of everyday Americans: history books that may make children feel bad and drag queens reading books to them.

    “We must protect the children,” Rep. Matt Gaetz tells The Lint Screen. “Our schools are incredibly dangerous places if they contain books about slavery, and Jim Crow laws. Stuff like that may make a white child feel guilty. That would be tragic! It’s every parent’s nightmare if they’re kids aren’t safe in schools.”

    Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy thinks there is an even bigger threat to American youth.

    “We cannot tolerate drag queen reading hour,” says the spineless puppet of MAGA nut jobs. “A man dressed like a woman reading books and polluting a child’s mind forever. Do we want our sons to be confused about accessorizing? There is no greater American threat than literate crossdressers.”

    “That’s so true, you worthless scum,” Rep. Lauren Boebert says as she pushes McCarthy’s head down and shoves him aside. “We must arm every child with an AR-15 to protect themselves from the ever-present dangers they face––history books and drag queens!”

    “And let’s not forget about Hunter’s laptop,” says Rep. Jim Jordan. “That is also a great danger to every American child and adult. The GOP has always stood for law and order, except when it applies to us. Then, screw it; all bets are off–– beat the cops and crap on the floors of Congress. Hang the vice president. We must do whatever it takes to protect the patriots and keep Trump in office!!!“

    “Donald Trump is our gift from God,” adds kooky blowhard Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. “He is on a sacred mission to make America great again by restricting voting rights, cutting taxes, loosening gun laws, eliminating social programs, banning books, re-enacting Jim Crow laws, restricting free speech, and locking up his critics.”

    Greene places a choke collar around McCarthy’s neck, slips a leash on it, and pushes him, “Let’s go, Kevvy,” she says. “Walkies!”

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    Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.