“I pay my franchise fees, and I get bupkis is return,” said an unnamed al Queda operative. “I am very disappointed there is not a better succession plan in place. How am I supposed to keep my staff motivated if corporate is in such disarray? It’s a tragic situation.”
Across the globe, other al Quedaes express similar frustrations. “Osama bin Ladin was a great leader,” said a franchisee in a popular unnamed location. “He’d send us motivational videos and memos all the time. Even motivational posters with a picture of a cute kitten with its paws hanging from a rope and the words ‘Hang in there, baby!’ Very inspiring stuff. And now? Now I can’t even get a sign saying ‘Employees must wash hands before returning to their dastardly douchebag behavior.’ I mean, come on, how hard difficult is it to deliver on that?!”
What many franchisees find most disappointing is the lack of creativity from corporate al Queda. “We just got our spring packet or terrorist promotional ideas. It was lame-o. More ideas like underwear bombs, prank phone calls, and bags of poop lit on fire and left at the front door of the White House after the doorbell is rung– it’s just nothing too inspired.”
While many have speculated things will be better once rumored #2 Ayman al-Zawahiri is elevated to replace bin Laden, some franchisees aren’t so sure. “Nice guy,” said one disgruntled franchisee, “evil as the day is long, but has the charisma of a sun-baked stone. Osama, he ain’t!”
Some al Queda franchisees say if they do not seem improvements soon, they may get out of the organization altogether. “Look,” said one unnamed member, “I could get better returns with a Smoothie King or Subway franchise. Corporate needs to get in the game or it’s going to lose some good people.”
