The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Jobs to Announce Major Change for Apple

    Jobs prepares for an enormous change as Wall Street holds its collective bad breath.
    Steven P. Jobs, the iconic co-founder of Apple Computers, is rumored to be contemplating a major new direction for Apple in the upcoming weeks.

    Sources close to the iron-fisted leader whisper that rumors of a new initiative are true: Jobs will be changing his uniform from a black mock turtleneck and blue jeans to something “with a lot more flair and pizazz!”

    Jobs has worn the same uniform of a mock black turtleneck and jeans ever since he was a child, and many financial analysts believe this fashion consistency has been a critical component of Apple’s enormous success.

    “Sure Apple makes cool computers and stuff,” said a high powered trader who demanded anonymity, “but what people are really buying is Steve’s consistent look. Depending on what he changes to, I think the stock price could get hammered.”

    Many Wall Streeters believe if Jobs makes a change to a denim shirt with black khakis, the stock price will slip initially but could come back. “But if Jobs goes crazy with, say, a plaid shirt and white parachute linen pants, all bets are off. Expect the stock to crater.”

    Many fear even worse fashion outlooks. One wild rumor making the rounds is that Jobs will opt for Hawaiian shirts, Capri pants, black satin pumps and porkpie hats. “If that happens, I don’t care what kind of i-Crap you’re making– no one’s buying!”

  • The Importance of The Orderly Order

    A little memory aid is a good thing.
    There’s an alarming trend in America’s restaurants: the uber-waiters and waitresses who take orders without writing them down.

    They cock their heads as people recite their complex orders of “a garden salad with no cucumbers or onions, extra tomatoes, light ranch dressing on the side and a meatloaf platter, light on the tomato sauce, sub fries for mashed potatoes– oh, and could I get spinach instead of green beans?”

    Later, the server brings a veggie soup and a meatloaf sandwich with onion rings.

    There is no shame in writing things down, wait-people. The diners of America will not mock you for resorting to visual aids to remember our persnickety orders. In fact, we feel good about it. Writing the order down is reassuring and comforting. We do not give you extra credit or extra tips for not writing it down. No one expects you to be a memory expert, honestly. If you were, you wouldn’t be taking orders from swine like us.

    Thanks. I feel better. Please refrain from spitting in my food.

  • Quran Not To Be Burned; Dick And Jane To Be Torched Instead

    Kids to be cast into fires of hell– where they belong!
    Gainesville, Florida Rev. Terry Jones has decided not to hold a public burning of copies of the Quran, the central religious text of Islam, on the ninth anniversary of 9-11. Instead, he now wants to burn copies of the classic textbook reader series “Dick and Jane.”

    “I’ve got the world’s attention and I’ve got to make a statement of some sort,” said the pastor mopping his brow with a silk kerchief. “I guess a lot of folks were upset I was going to torch the Quran, but I don’t think anyone will be upset when I send those promiscuous characters Dick and Jane straight into the fires of hell!”

    Rev. Jones says the books, many of which were mainstays of American education for well over 50 years, infiltrated young minds and turned them against all that is good and wholesome.

    “These books are disgusting. Dick galavants about in short pants, chasing after Jane, wearing her revealing short dresses and highly shined shoes,” said the irate preacherman. “These demented characters include a young innocent named Sally and introduce Spot the Dog and Puff the Cat. Who knows what sort of disgusting beastiality ensued! And what of Tim the Teddy Bear? I know what people do with stuffed animals. All these illicit shenanigans occur under the approving eyes of the ultra liberal promiscuous parents, referred to Mother and Father. What sort of parents are these?! Is it any wonder the kids who read these subversive texts grew up to become beatniks, hippies, slackers, grungers and other Satanic cretins who only care about smoking reefer cigarettes, shooting the heroin powder and getting whacked-out on the goofballs and bennies!”

    The preacher grew suddenly pensive. “I’ve got to burn something, I’ve got lots of matches.”

  • Single Tiger On Prowl for “Lucky Ladies”

    Tiger tries recalling the women of his championship seasons
    Recently divorced golf legend Tiger Woods is on the prowl for some old female companionship.

    A man who claims he knows Tiger very, very well and swears that he is not a liar, reports that the megastar golfer is frustrated with both his golf game and his love life. “When Tiger was married, he had ladies stashed all over the tour and his golf game was never better. Now, he’s divorced, been trying to be a good two-shoes and having troubles on the course. So, Tiger’s decided to start trying to remember which extracurricular woman he was with at which tournament–– because obviously she was his ‘lucky lady’ and that will help him to find his golfing groove. If he can just get back into his old routine, he’s confident he can get back into his winning ways and his march towards the record books as the greatest golfer ever, if not the greatest lovin’ golfer ever!”

    When asked about Tiger’s swing, the confidant became agitated. “Of course Tiger swings. What, have you been in a cave the past year?! Cripes a-loo, you must be an idiot!”

    Journalists are not uncaring robots. This reporter wept silently and walked away.

  • Part 21: Hips Ahoy!

    Whoopsie daisy–– this one’s on the house!
    Exactly 10 months after my second hip replacement surgery, the surgeon who performed both operations called me. Believe it or not, he did not call to discuss sports, weather or crock pot recipes.

    No, yesterday the good doc called to tell me that the artificial hip joints he’d surgically implanted on both sides of my body were being recalled. DePuy Orthopaedics Inc., the orthopaedics unit of Johnson & Johnson, announced the recall on August 26. The company introduced The ASR XL Acetabular System in 2004, and surgeons worldwide have been putting them into people. In the U.S., it’s estimated 97,000 of the suckers are on the job inside humans.

    The problem is that the replacement parts can become loose, may cause bone fractures or produce microscopic metal shavings that inflame muscle tissues and do joints no damn good at all. Studies have found that five years following device implantation, 12-13% needed to be replaced. They call this ‘revision surgery’ but I suspect it hurts as much as ‘real’ surgery. I have a total of 20-some inches of scar tissue on my backside to remind me of that joy ride through our medical care system.

    So I made an appointment with my surgeon for first thing this morning. He had my hips X-rayed and everything looks hunky dory. If I have troubles, I’m supposed to call him for follow up tests: more X-rays, blood work and even MRIs to determine if I have metal floating around in me (do they surgically implant magnets for clean-up?).

    So, we simply monitor my hips and should I need some new ones, the good people of DePuy Orthopaedics Inc. will pick up the tab! What a swell bunch they are.

    Maybe they’ll even provide my surgeon with some good equipment this time.

    I hope there’s no beard in my future…

  • The Ferocious Winds of Change

    A low pressure blast from the past, still on the job in many restrooms. It’s so yesterday.
    If you’re one of those people who washes his/her hands after going to the bathroom (and we all sincerely hope that you are), you may have noticed a revolution of modernity in public restrooms.

    It’s not electric eye-triggered soap dispensers and water facets– which are typically spotty in performance, or robotic toilet tissue dispensers “May I assist in wiping, please, master?”

    No, the real revolution is in hand drying.

    Yes, hand drying.

    It used to be that the Globe Hand Dryer was the pinnacle of hot air-blowing technology, but now it has been blown to the sidelines by a beast that calls itself Xlerator.

    This baby blows air like a politician on the campaign trail.
    The marvel comes in white and hi tech brushed aluminum and expels air like an F-15 engine that’s riled to rip some serious stratosphere.

    If you’ve encountered the Xlerator, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

    Place your wet hands beneath its nozzle and watch as your skin and flesh do their best to stay attached to your skeleton. While the old World Dryer purred with a kitten’s warm breath, Xlerator roars like a ferocious lion. It devours wetness.

    This baby means business and wet hands don’t stand a chance. “Get dry, bitches! DRY!”

    Xlerator is one of the true wonders of the 21st century. It’s what George Jetson might use to dry his hands.

    We’ll assume Rosie may have helped him with the toilet tissue duties.

    Sometimes the future ain’t so pretty.