Author: PD Scullin

Following President Joe Biden’s State of the Union Address, Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders gave a stern and dour official GOP rebuttal. Huckabee Sanders, who used to be the shill press mouthpiece of disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump, droned on about the misery of American life under Biden.

“It is tragic what has happened to our great nation,” said the gloom queen. “Donald Trump made America great again, and now the country’s in a horrible, awful state because of radical Joe Biden and his woke thugs destroying our democracy. They jailed the patriots who tried to protect our country by storming the Capitol––people who know Donald Trump is our fairly-elected leader put here by God to save us from liberalism. It’s tragic.”

Huckabee Sanders painted an image of a country in shambles.

“The Democrats indoctrinate innocent children, forcing them to crossdress, pick their pronouns, have gender reveal parties at age six, study critical race theory, and burn Bibles,” she declared, shaking her head in disgust. “The woke crowd want to teach children about slavery, which was was just a little misunderstanding––but the liberal loonies want to paint our glorious history in a negative way. Why can’t we let sleeping dogs lie?”

The matron of melancholy blames all the nation’s ills on Biden.

“He and Fauci caused Covid and forced us to get vaccines,” she claimed, “and Biden took us to war against our ally Putin’s Russia, a nation of white Christians who simply want their land back from Ukraine. Now the Democrats are cheering because they will rebuild the infrastructure and bring jobs back to America. What’s wrong with things the way they are? Why do they have to change everything? They are ruining our country––it’s a real hellhole, thanks to Biden.”

Huckabee Sanders ended her rebuttal on a note of optimism.

“The only good news is the life expectancy of Americans is falling,” she said. “So if you’re lucky, you won’t have to endure the pain of Biden’s America much longer.” She smiled. “Goodnight, sleep well!”

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump is the only declared Republican Party candidate in the 2024 presidential race. Still, many other party leaders are testing the waters for a possible run. The Lint Screen sat with Trump at his Mar-a-Lago home to discuss his potential rivals. Between bites of bacon cheeseburgers, breaded French fries dipped in ranch dressing, and Diet Cokes, the overweight man s gave his expert analysis of the field.

Nikki Haley: “I like Nikki,” Trump says. “But America isn’t ready for someone like her. For one, she’s a woman, so that she will be very temperamental. Look what happened to Hillary. I’m not sexist. I love women. It’s just a fact they can’t lead a country. A president must be calm and make tough decisions. Many, many tough decisions. You can’t be crying all the time and throwing temper tantrums. America needs a very stable genius like me with a proven track record. I think Nikki is also some kind of a foreigner. Has anyone checked her birth certificate? Was she even born here? Nikki could be another Obama. The country needs a white American male. Everyone’s saying that’s Trump.”

Ron DeSantis: “Ron’s an okay governor,” Trump says. “And he never would have been elected if it weren’t for me. He came to me and begged for my support. The guy was crying fountains, it was embarrassing, and he was bowing and scraping to me. I threw him a box of Kleenex and said, “Okay, Ron, I’ll back you.” Suddenly DeSantis went from being behind in the race by over eighty percent to being ahead and winning. No one’s ever seen anything like it. The power of my endorsement is incredible. But he doesn’t have what it takes to be president. Ron should be happy with Florida. If he tries and stabs me in the back by running, I’ll bury him. I made DeSantis. I can destroy him.”

Mike Pence: “Mike doesn’t have a chance,” Trump declares. “He betrayed me on January 6 and turned his back on America. We had many brave patriots fighting like hell to save the country from Joe Biden, who stole the election and is ruining the country. Everyone wanted Trump to stay in office. I was the best president in history, but Mike was weak and put a dagger in my heart. MAGA world hates him and wants to hang him. He’s dead politically and knows better than to toss his hat in the ring.”

Mike Pompeo: “The guy is a total fraud,” Trump says disgustingly. “I made him the head of the CIA and then Secretary of State. But I did all the work. I received beautiful love letters from Kim Jong-un. I made peace in the Middle East. I stood up to Putin and Theresa May, and Angela Merkel. I kept world order, not Pompeo. The guy road my coattails, and I’ll crush him if he runs.”

Ted Cruz: “I slaughtered Lyin’ Ted last time,” Trump brags, “and I’d bury him again. People don’t like liars. A man is only as good as his word, and everyone knows Trump is a straight shooter. Ted, not so much––can’t be trusted. He’s a shifty guy.”

Trump finishes the last burger on the platter and burps. “I don’t think anyone could beat me,” he says. “God sent me to save the country. And there’s no way Joe Biden can steal another election. The patriots won’t allow it. I’ll be back! Everyone misses America’s favorite president––Trump!”

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Kevin McCarthy suffered public humiliation as he groveled and kissed asses galore to become Speaker of The House, but that was just a taste of the lunacy the new House of Representatives will deliver to the American public.

On the first official day of the 118th Congress, two queens of crazy, Rep. Lauren Boebert and Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene, squared off in the ladies’ room outside of The Chambers. Boebert, who sided with cretin teen girl sex trafficker Matt Gaetz, opposed McCarthy in his Speakership bid. Greene was on “Team Kev” and was angry with those obstinate Representatives who fought 15 ballot votes to get McCarthy elected Speaker.

A transcript of their confrontation follows.

LB: Well, well, well, look who’s here––if it isn’t Kevin’s little Barbie-wannabe bitch.

MTG: Watch it, Boe-dirt. Don’t you go and be knocking my man.

LB: Man? Ha! McCarthy’s no man. Trump castrated that spineless suck-up long ago. The Donald displays Kevin’s manhood on his mantle in Mar-a-Lago. You might be able to see it with a microscope.

MTG: Watch what you’re saying about our new leader, bitch, or I’ll smack you so hard you’ll… you’ll be… you’ll be really, really sorry. I mean it! And your face will hurt too.

LB: Don’t make me laugh, blondie. Your slaps would feel like mosquito wings brushing against my skin.

MTG: I’m serious, Boe-dirt, you little Gaetz-skank. I’m sitting on the Kick-Ass Committee and am about to open a can of whoop-ass on you.

LB: Oh, yeah, tough stuff? Are you packing?

MTG: What?

LB: Are you strapping?

MTG: No. Kevin’s not into S&M. He says it hurts too much.

LB: Not that kind of strapping, idiot. Are you armed? Do you have a gun?

MTG: Of course not. We’re in The Capitol.

LB: Well, cupcake, I’m always packing. And trust me––you do NOT want me drawing down on you.

MTG: You’re not allowed to have guns in here. I’m going to tell Kevin you’re––

LB: You’re not telling that little turd anything, teacher’s pet. Now, get out of here before I unload on you.

MTG: But I have to pee.

LB: You do? Really? Look––what’s that yellow puddle you’re standing in?

MTG: Oh. I must have–

LB: Scram, blondie. Go running back to McCarthy. Maybe the next time you see me, you’ll have one of those Jewish lasers from outer space.

(THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS, AND SEN. LINDSAY GRAHAM WALKS IN AND SPEAKS)

LG: Hello, ladies. Would one of you be an absolute angel and let me borrow a dab of rouge? I’m whiter than a MAGA rally.

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The GOP received a late Christmas gift with news of classified documents discovered in the properties of President Joe Biden.

“This is the worst thing that has ever happened in American history,” a smug Rep. Jim Jordan tells The Lint Screen. Jordan, flexing his new power as Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, is licking his chops in gleeful anticipation of the news cycles this story will command.

“Biden is in our crosshairs,” Jordan crows. “What he did by hiding secret documents absolves anything Donald Trump ever did. Biden’s carelessness is much worse, so Trump deserves a fresh slate. We’ll lift his two impeachments and demand all lawsuits against Trump get dropped.”

Jordan says he is “deeply disturbed” by the extreme danger he may have put our country in by his “blatant assaults against normal protocol.”

The former Ohio State wrestling coach shakes his head. “Marjorie Taylor Greene told me Biden’s documents may have contained nuclear codes that Hunter stole and sold to the Chinese for a bag of opium and an iPod. We don’t know, but anything’s possible.”

Jordan grins. “To think the Democrats made such a big hairy deal out of some lost tourists accidentally traipsing into our Capitol on January 6, 2021––that was small potatoes compared to this obvious breach of the nation’s trust. Matt Gaetz thinks those secret documents could be Dr. Fauci’s formula for Covid 19. And George Santos says Biden just can’t be trusted. Americans must have faith in the integrity of their leaders.”

The Buckeye blowhard cackles. “I want every American to know we will get to the bottom of this. And until we put the Biden crime family in the stockades, we must absolve any minor misunderstandings Donald Trump may have had in his political life. After all, fair is fair.”

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Now that the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, after fifteen rounds of voting, has elected Rep. Kevin McCarthy as its “Speaker Bitch,” he prepares to make his first statement.

McCarthy stands to the microphone and smiles. He says, “We’re ready to get down to business.” Chairman of the Judiciary Committee, Rep. Jim Jordan, pushes him aside and starts yelling. 

“And we will hold investigations into Hunter Biden’s laptop,” he bellows. “Because that is the most pressing issue to Americans right now. We believe Hillary’s emails on Hunter’s laptop, along with the plans for Benghazi and recipes for serving tender young children as dinner entrees.”

Rep. Steve Scalise kicks McCarthy in the crotch and interrupts Jordan. “Speaking of children,” he butts in, “We just passed legislation outlawing the abortions of toddlers. Although it’s never happened, we want to stop it immediately. Republicans know women want old white men to make lots of abortion laws, so they don’t have to be responsible for their bodies.”

Rep. Matt Gaetz wants some attention, so he slugs McCarthy in the gut and begins shouting, “And we’re going to stop the federal government from interfering with citizens’ lives. Feds are making us pay taxes, arresting MAGA patriots for storming The Capitol, and beating cops because they don’t like election results. They also want to prosecute adult men for sex trafficking teenage girls. We can’t have the government restricting our freedoms!”

This outburst ignites crazy in the eyes of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. She elbows McCarthy in the head and steps forward. “And we must protect President Trump from prosecution for trying to overthrow the peaceful transfer of power. We want to make him emperor for life! He is The Chosen One sent here to save us from Jewish lasers in space and liberals grooming children.”

Newly-elected Rep. George Santos sees his opportunity, kicks McCarthy in the butt, and makes his first official statement.

“We’re going to make American life better,” Santos says. “And that’s the absolute truth. Trust me.”

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Run away and join the circus––click here for a helluva fun ride.