The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Hot Tubbin’ Twilight

    Vampire, werewolf, boring girl, oh my!
    I saw two movies this weekend, Hot Tub Time Machine on the big screen, and New Moon (part of The Twilight Saga) on the small screen.

    Yeah, I know what you’re thinking– Scullin’s Mensa meeting must have been cancelled and he needed some intellectually-stimulating entertainment. Well, joke’s on you– I’m not even in Mensa!

    Let start with New Moon. This is part two in the tale of Bella (Kristin Stewart), a high school senior who is gaga for a 109-year old vampire, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson– he’s so dreamy, and he carries 109 very well!). Edward moves away so he won’t be tempted to suck Bella’s blood and make her one of the undead– but Bella is also kind of into hunky, pumped-up Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) who becomes a werewolf and well, werewolves don’t like ‘bloodsuckers’ but see, they have a peace pact of sorts and… screw it. This movie is two hours and ten minutes of feeling like the undead.

    It’s slow, it’s plodding, it’s a test of patience and perseverance. The character of Bella may be the single most uninteresting character ever brought to the silver screen. She is forlorn, she is pouty, she is withdrawn, she is longing, she is in the forbidden love zone. Bella is barely a one-dimensional character, and Kristin Stewart musters all her acting abilities to deliver this yawn of a human. Why would anyone, alive or undead, be attracted to someone this boring? Beats me.

    Then again, I’m sure the fans of the book loved this film and love the characters. Hey, we all have to face choices like vampires or werewolves, and this movie plays out our dilemma. I just wish the characters had some life in them. Now let’s talk about something worth seeing.

    Come on in, the water’s fine. Suit optional.
    Hot Tub Time Machine may not be one of the great comedies of all time, but it’s better than most of what passes for comedy these days. This is a film that has an inventive plot and a superb cast (although I could have done without Chevy Chase). Yes, it could have more production values, but this wasn’t a big budget affair. It’s just a good old fashioned raunchy comedic romp (note: don’t bring the kiddies unless they’re fans of f-bombs and plenty of compromising adult situations).

    It’s a smart film with plenty of laughs and moves at a nice clip. The faces on screen are fresh: Rob Corddry (ex-Daily Show with Jon Stewart funnyman), Craig Robinson (from The Office) Clark Duke (you’ve seen him, you just don’t know where) and John Cusack, (who co-produced and always delivers on screen). The story by Josh Heald, screenplay by Josh Heald, Sean Anders & John Morris, is consistently engaging, entertaining and fun. Come re-live a lot of the awfulness that was the 80’s with a band of characters who are very alive, with nary a werewolf or vampire in sight.

    Bottom line: Hot Tub Time Machine is worth immersion, New Moon could put an insomniac down for the count.

  • Easter Bunny Blasts Boy As Socialist

    Bunny lays an egg for commie little boy.
    Fortunately for little Frankie Urbeenor, he sleeps on a very absorbent pillow. The child cried torrents last night after his visit to The Easter Bunny at the East Waverly Heights Mall in Port Arthur, Texas.

    Easter is Frankie’s fifth favorite holiday, after Christmas, his birthday, Halloween and Thanksgiving, so he was looking forward to spending some quality time with Mr. Cottontail. Instead he was subjected to an angry political rant from a bunny who is also a part time Tea Party zealot.

    Spectators reported the following exchange took place between Frankie and the Easter Bunny:
    BOY: Hello, Easter Bunny!
    E. B.: Hello, little boy– what’s your name?
    BOY: Frankie. Frankie Urbeenor.
    E. B.: Well, Frankie, I suppose you’re happy that Obama and his government thugs have taken over the entire freakin’ health care system.
    BOY: Huh?
    E. B.: Sure, what do you care, you’re a little kid and you don’t have to pay taxes so just let me work my freakin’ butt off and support little freeloaders like you so you can get sick and have pre-existing conditions, then use death panels to kill my grandma in Beaumont.
    BOY: Ummm, I don’t know what you’re…
    E.B.: Everyone wants a hand-out, don’t they? You’re all a bunch of socialists. The free market is too tough on you so you want big brother government to spoon feed you entitlement programs, don’t you?
    BOY: I’m scared.
    E.B.: Of course you are, kid. We should all be scared. The country’s being run by the antichrist, who wasn’t even born in this country, and he wants the government to butt into every aspect of our lives, then try to take away my 85 firearms and arsenal of explosives I have for protection.
    BOY: I just want a chocolate bunny for Easter…
    E.B.: Sure you do. Chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, marshmallow chicks, silver dollars and PlayStations, too– you want everything! And you want it all for free, don’t you? And why not, it’s no skin off your nose– just ask, ask, ask and expect others to deliver it with a pretty bow to your door. Well, listen up, kid-o, there ain’t no Santie Claus and you can’t have Christmas every Easter. You want a chocolate bunny, you work for it. There’s no freebies in life, buddy boy!
    BOY: I want to go home, mister, please…

    Fifty-six minutes later, paramedics used the jaws of life to remove the boy from the angry Kung-Fu grip grasp of the Easter Bunny, who was tagged with tranquilizers and taken away in soft handcuffs, designed not to chafe his fur.

    Easter may soon drop from the #5 position of Frankie’s favorite holidays.

  • April Fools Joke Ends Tragically

    Tragedy strikes as giddy girls play joke on parents. The lesson learned: humor sometimes kills.
    Pity the poor Nakamura sisters, Mai, Miki and Hina–– they are now orphans thanks to their playful humor!!!!!

    The three daughters thought it would be a funny April Fools joke to plant a bomb in their parent’s car. Their intent was to stop their father from starting the car, then show both parents their dastardly handiwork and shout “April Fools!” After the parents realized how close they came to certain death, the entire family would have a hearty laugh.

    But tragedy struck when the young ladies decided to get some Frappuccinos at Starbucks. Their parents were at home and read in the newspaper that Macy’s was having a sale and became excited. They decided to take advantage of “Macy’s best prices of the season.” The family needed some new linens.

    But parents Daigoro and Haruka Nakamura never made it to the Macy’s store. Their car exploded and was instantly engulfed in flames. The daughters heard the explosion walking back from Starbucks and realized their joke had become a tragic disaster.

    On the bright side, the Frappies were delicious and the sale at Macy’s probably would have disappointed the parents (the prices weren’t all that great). The daughters are contemplating a lawsuit against the giant retailer for killing their parents.

  • My Idyllic Nun

    As a kid, I attended St. Patrick’s Elementary School in Hubbard, Ohio. My uniform was sharp-creased navy blue dress pants with a crisp white shirt and clip-on tie. We had ‘lay teachers’ (ordinary civilians), but we were also taught by ruler-wielding nuns who smacked palms into submission. The pain told the brain and body to obey.

    One tormentor-in-habit used to give me an open-hand whack across the chops because she thought I was tormenting her on purpose with my ignorance in math. I wasn’t– I really was that stupid with the ‘new math’, and her instilling fear in me certainly didn’t help matters. I’d laugh at her slaps (being class clown, I had to save face) which only get her angrier. But at least she’d let me sit back down again with one cheek out of four stinging.

    I was subjected to some pretty inventive disciplinary actions by nuns: holding erasers with arms outstretched for long stretches of time or kneeling on the floor and placing my nose into a small circle that the nun had drawn on the blackboard. Gitmo had nothing on the good Sisters.

    ‘Sister Smile’ sang, and I swooned.
    Regardless of my dark nun memories, I have fond memories of my angelic, idyllic nun: The Singing Nun, Sœur Sourire (Sister Smile), AKA: Jeanne-Paule Marie Deckers, a Belgian woman of the beads who recorded an international hit song “Dominique” in the teeth of Beatlemania. She appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show (I remember it and was captivated– it would be years later when nuns would subject me to their disciplinarian ways). They made a movie of her life where a younger, prettier woman played the good Sister–Debbie Reynolds.

    The real Sœur Sourire had a guitar, a song and an angelic voice. The song “Dominique” would occupy a warm cubbyhole in the corridors of my consciousness. Years later, when the real nuns disciplined me, I would hear the joyful song of The Singing Nun and feel comforted. I believed She of the guitar would never have subjected me to pain. But I could have been wrong in my assumption, after all, she never had to teach me math.

    Enjoy the song from the movie and let it take residence in your psyche. If you have a nun tale to tell, do tell. I harbor no ill will at the good nuns, they’re all saints to me. Some of the saints had a mean right cross to the head.

  • Tiger Picks Jesse For Masters

    Tiger’s new wingman majored in bro-code
    Many people were not surprised when it was announced that Tiger Woods would play in the upcoming Masters Golf Tournament, but the latest Tiger news may stun the world off its ever-loving spinning axis: Tiger has selected Jesse James as his official ‘Wingman’ during his Augusta stay.

    “Tiger’s a master at the Masters,” said Ernie Whintfee, Augusta guy’s guy. “He’s put up some good scores at Augusta National and some great scores around the Augusta night scene. But Tiger knows he needs help this year after all the press he’s gotten, so he’s recruited Jesse as his wingman when he makes his August rounds. There’s quite a field this year with a really cute waitress working at Chili’s and some real babes working the Outback. With Jesse at his side, Tiger gets an experienced wingman, an operator in his own right, and a dude who knows the bro-code through and through. Tig and Jess will be a dynamic duo that’ll be tough to beat.”

    Jesse is in dutch with his ball ‘n chain, Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, for allegedly having sexual relations (the legal term is “hankious-pankious”) with tattoo model Michelle “Bombshell” McGee and allegedly other women he’s not married to. “Jesse’s got a lot of free time on his hands,” said Mr. Whintfee, “and if he can help Tiger, he’s determined to do so. That’s the kind of stand-up dude he is.”

    Sandra Bullock is rumored to have an Oscar she wants to personally deliver to Jesse’s skull, and Tiger’s wife, Elin, reportedly has a 7-iron in hand that may hinder Tiger’s successful return to Augusta.

  • Cute Kitten Wants All

    Who could possibly refuse the adorable cuteness of Snowpuff? Surrender, you are powerless to her!
    Snowpuff, quite possibly the cutest kitten to ever grace a litter box, has great ambition intertwined with her adorability– she wants to rule the world! And it’s working. People across the globe are selling their possessions and donating their money to Snowpuff.

    “I’ve never seen a kitten with an adorability quotient that rivals Snowpuff,” said Dr. Thomas F. Suttencroft, a respected authority in Cuteness Studies at Harvard University (official slogan: Where brains get even brainer still!). “Even her name ‘Snowpuff’ is as delightful as can be.”

    Whiskers & Charlie in happy death-free days
    Dr. Suttencroft exuded a regal air as he continued his learned commentary with a rubber-tipped wooden pointer in hand.

    “Back in 1926, there was an adorable kitten named ‘Whiskers’ who was the cherished pet of little Charlie Woodrunner in Stonesboro, Pennsylvania. Many said this kitty was the cutest feline ever, until one dark day when the delightful furry scamp lunged at Charlie’s throat and savagely ripped his jugular vein to shreds. It was a tragedy when Charlie bled-out and made a terrible mess of the Woodrunner living room. Whiskers was arrested, placed in pawcuffs and put on trial for murder. It was the trial of the century that year. After 16 hours of heated deliberation, a jury returned a guilty verdict and the judge sentenced the precious kittykins to death. Whiskers was placed in the lap of a man convicted of vandalism who was seated in the electric chair. Many people thought it odd they put to death a man convicted of vandalism, but there was no one on death row so someone had to be ‘the lap’ for the cute kittycat to sit upon. Those who witnessed the execution of the vandal and the darling kitten reported the last words of Whiskers were, ‘I’ll see you in hell, Charlie Woodrunner, and I’ll teach you not to pet me constantly!” The nation was mortified that such cuteness had turned bad. It was an adorable story that turned quite tragic. But I do not have that impending sense of evil from Snowpuff— she seems like the real deal to me and I am fully devoted to her cuddly lovableness.!”

    Millions of people worldwide who have pledged undying devotion to Snowpuff and her delightful adorability. If you’d like to become part of this global sensation (peer pressure is good!), sell your worldly goods and send the proceeds to me c/o The Lint Screen. I’ll see to it Snowpuff gets the money and you don’t end up like Little Charlie Woodrunner.