Lombardi was all about winning, at all costs.As the media hype hits its ear-splitting shrill crescendo, Lint presents a grab bag of things you may know about the glorious event.
1. Despite the use of Roman numerals to indicate the number of the Super Bowl, Romans did not play football– although Caligula was reported to have “very good hands” and a quick release.
2. The first Super Bowl was played in ol’ man Rundle’s backyard in Mercer, Pennsylvania. The game between the Chiefs and Packers was cut short when Mr. Rundle chased the players with his cane shouting, “Get on outta here, ya dadgum hooligans!”
3. Only three women have ever played in a Super Bowl game.
4. Legendary coach Vince Lombardi didn’t even like football. “I’m just pretending,” he told a confidant, “to get a trophy named after me. Dude, baseball’s a lot better.”
5. Traditionally all members of the winning team receive commemorative Super Bowl rings, but this was not the case for the first four games. Those winners received commemorative Super Bowl fondue sets and scarves.
6. The first commercial to ever be aired in a Super Bowl game featured a talking animal with a flatulence problem. This tradition has proudly continued.
7. When most quarterbacks are in the huddle, they open up and share their feelings with their teammates. They have a good cry and line-up for the next play.
8. The Cleveland Browns have won more Super Bowl titles than any other professional team. The official record does not reflect this due to jealousy.
9. After the big game, many players shower wearing shower helmets instead of shower caps. Some players sport flip-flops to avoid athlete’s foot.
10. Legendary sportscaster Curt Gowdy coined the now famous phrase, “Holy mulligatawney, that about curled the mule’s hair!”
11. Notorious mobster “Blowtorch” Fransco lost $10 betting on the Falcons in Super Bowl XXXIII in ’99. He never got over it and gave up his life of crime for fashion design.
British journalist Charlie Brooker reveals proven tricks of the trade for putting together a news segment. Follow his savvy advice and start your very own news show. It’s easy when you know how! Now, where’d I put my satellite dish…
You write and we respond. Hey, this freedom of speech thing really works! Dear Lint Screen:
I am miffed, disappointed and somewhat outraged at your consistent hostile attitude toward what you consider to be lower level primates, more to the point, chimps and monkeys.
It is obvious you are prejudiced against these superior creatures and harbor deep-rooted resentment and hostilities that are completely unfounded and, quite frankly, border on hysterical paranoia. You seem to think that simply because you have witnessed excrement flinging by monkeys in zoo cages that all members of their society are dangerous and should be feared, mocked and ridiculed. Preposterous!
If you were caged and had people paraded by you endlessly, I am quite certain you would also find some innocent amusement to occupy your time. If monkeys had rubber spherical objects, they could throw them to and fro, but alas they do not. I postulate that if 100 chimps had typewriters placed before them, they could write Hamlet or MacBeth. Or certainly an episode of American Dad.
Alas, they have neither spherical objects or keyboards and so must use items close at hand for idle amusement. It is a pity you find this harmless act so repulsive that your petty nature demands you throw stones at monkey for throwing other ‘things.’ Recall what one of your kind once said about throwing stones whilst living in glass houses as your race continually wars with one another demonstrating an inherent inhumanity toward fellow man, and rapes our planet of precious resources intended for all living creatures.
In short, it is little wonder that some day very soon you will find your Statue of Liberty buried on the beach and the planet ruled by apes. You have been duly warned. Good day, sir!
Regretfully,
Dr. C. Edmund Primateus
Dear Dr. Primateus:
What can I say– monkeys flinging poo makes me laugh.
Dear Lint Screen:
I have been dating the same man for over a decade. He’s rude, two-faced, has poor hygiene, is selfish, egotistical, inconsiderate, insanely jealous, petty, completely self-centered, without backbone or morals, shows no ambition or direction and treats his dog better than he treats me. After 12 years in this horrible relationship, I wonder just one thing– why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?
Sincerely,
Emma Zinderkim
Dear Ms. Zinderkim:
Men! Who can figure?!
Dear Lint Screen:
Did you see where I put my car keys? I can’t find them anywhere.
Sincerely,
Jason Wilcrest, Jr.
Dear Mr. Wilcrest:
You’ll find them in the left front pocket of your jeans in the dirty clothes hamper. Now leave your house immediately, there’s an electrical fire in the basement.
President Jay Leno promises to get higher ratings and more sponsor support– while having a blast!In a surprising move, President Barack Obama will soon be replaced by comedian Jay Leno.
Obama has been contending with declining approval ratings recently, and it is hoped Leno can bring back some viewers and sponsor support.
“Jay’s a dynamo,” said Phil Westerkin, an avid TV viewer, “he’s just so funny you can’t help but like him to see what sort of wacky shenanigans he might get into. I about bust a gut every time I see him!”
Obama spokespeople expressed disappointment in the decision. “We were promised four years when we got the presidency,” said a high ranking cabinet official, “we just needed a little more time to build our audience. Our lawyers are checking the contract. We may fight it.”Obama takes the news hard.
Leno is elated at the news of his appointment. “I’m a pretty lucky guy. I never thought I’d grow up to host the Tonight Show, and shazam, I’m hosting. I never thought I’d become president, but, here I am, President! It’s been a wild, wild ride and I think I can give the people what they want. My first week in office I’m going to book Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Larry the Cable Guy, Senator Harry Reid and musical guest, James Blunt. It’ll be great.”
Obama is rumored to be talking to both Fox and ABC about new shows, possibly being teamed with Conan O’Brien.
Not exactly what people had been expecting from Steve Jobs.With the announcement by Steve Jobs of Apple’s new tablet device just minutes away, The Lint Screen has learned the gizmo will have a definite retro feel.
“The designers at Apple were getting tired of the sleek, modern look for devices,” said a Cupertino insider, “so they went for something a bit more classic. The tablet is made of stone and weighs 42 pounds.”
The device will come complete with a hammer and chisel. “From a technological standpoint, it’s pretty radical. It doesn’t even require a power source or software.”
Soon we’ll see if this rumor is true, and also the rumor that Steve Jobs will be wearing a blue knit shirt and black jeans.
As a result of the recent Supreme Court ruling permitting unlimited election finance support of politicians and political causes by corporations, unions and special interest groups, the venerable Democratic and Republican parties are dissolving in favor of direct politician sponsorship.
This means that soon you may see politicians carry designations like, Goldman Sachs, Exxon Mobil, MetLife, FreedomWorks, Boeing, AMA, Bank of America, NEA, Lockheed Martin, KBR, Novartis, General Electric, Citi and DuPont. Politicians scramble to find corporate sponsors. “Thank goodness for this new ruling,” said a senior senator who demanded anonymity, “we can finally do what we’ve been doing for years– sucking from the corporate teat and letting them guide our hands in writing legislation they can profit by. Now we can do it without the charade of having to debate issues and causes with arcane notions like justice and equality. We can openly allow corporate fascism to rule enabling us to better serve our corporate overlords without the hindrance of the so-called people. Sure, we need them for their votes, but that’s about it. After the election, they just get in the way of things. There’s no need for people in a democracy like ours.”
Asked if this new corporate sponsorship will be like NASCAR sponsorship– with large corporate logos displayed on uniforms, the senator responded angrily, “Don’t be preposterous. That would be tacky. We’ll simply wear lapel pins with tasteful logos to show our sponsor support. We’re not whorish shills, you know.”
Financial companies are elated with the new ruling. “Now we can really help the country with some of our innovative financial ideas,” said a high ranking official who threatened death to this reporter if his identity was disclosed. “Years ago we had to maneuver and work backroom deals to get things like the Glass-Steagall Act overturned. That allowed us to gamble with the housing market finances. Now we don’t have to be so secretive, we can be open about lining the pockets of lawmakers to get laws that favor us without bothersome government oversight or restrictions. If our financial ideas fail, who cares– taxpayers will bail us out. The Supreme Court’s recently ruling ensures a much more transparent buying of politicians, and frankly, what could be more American than that?”
With that, the Wall Street bigwig lit a Cuban Monte Cristo cigar with a burning $1,000 bill and exclaimed, “Hrrrrummmph!”
