An offer too good to be true… or too good to pass up?
Sources close to the Treasury Department say the U.S. government has yet to act on the proposal made recently by a mysterious man named “Bernie M. Adoff” claiming he can save our suffering economy. So the anonymous financial wizard has done what anyone does in a tough economy: he’s offering a better deal.
His original offer was “a foolproof plan to earn 20% annually on your money” in return for $2.4 trillion delivered to a prison address. In a letter sent early this morning, the man “guarantees to triple your money in less than three years, or, your money back. If it doesn’t happen, I guarantee I’ll be mightily disappointed!”
The letter continues, “There’s never been a better way to lock-up guaranteed returns on a rock solid investment designed specifically with the U.S. Government in mind so you can sleep easy knowing your money’s working overtime.”
The new proposal also has a time sensitive bonus. “And if you act before midnight Tuesday, July 7th, I’ll give you Michael Jackson’s sequined glove and a mint conditioned autographed copy of ‘Thriller’ with a $1 million bill attached. You get priceless Michael Jackson memorabilia, plus a more robust economy. But wait, there’s more! If you act NOW, I’ll even enroll every American lifetime membership in the Gold Brick Bullion of the Month Club. Imagine the joy of having your mailman hand deliver a gold bullion brick to your doorstep every single month! Don’t miss this incredible once in a lifetime opportunity to secure an address on Easy Street. Act now, if not sooner!”
An anonymous government source said, “I just don’t know how we can pass up this deal. I mean, saving the economy and getting the glove! Holy sammyzoni!”
In a startling development, a mysterious white knight has come forward with a proposal to rescue the United States economy from the flushing swirly bowl.
The mysterious man goes by the name “Bernie M. Adoff” and has contacted government officials with what he describes as “a foolproof plan to earn 20% annually on your money, easy as pie, with no worries, headaches or hassles”… “just give me your money and watch it grow, GRow, GROW!!!”
The magical money multiplier says he has a “proven track record of making fortunes literally overnight.” In a two-page letter sent to President Barack Obama, the self-proclaimed economic recovery hero claims “and putting your money with me is safer than putting it in the bank because I don’t need a stinking bailout to pay you back!”
In his letter, the man requests the government deliver the money (reportedly $2.4 trillion) to a federal prison address. “I’ll pay the government back a very, VERY handsome return over the next few years… up to 150 years. I’m in no hurry, your honor, I’ve got plenty of time to make the U.S. rich again.”
Government officials refused comment on whether the proposal is being considered.
(As a public service, the following is the distillation of many job hunts and my surfing of wild economic times. Read and share with anyone you know hunting for a job. “The Lint Screen” is working hard to get this economy running full blast.)
Your boss asks you if “you have a minute”, and the pit of your stomach jumps into your heart and goes all Ricky Ricardo banging the congas and sending an alarm to your spinal highway dispersing anxiety on all major interstates and blue highways of your central nervous system. The message: your number’s up, you’re about to be whacked, laid-off, let-go, fired.
"Do you have a minute?"
Or, if you prefer sunshine with your dark clouds, you’re about to be “made available for exciting new opportunities.”
Yes, it sucks.
Yes, you were screwed.
Yes, others deserve it more than you.
Yes, your ego is bruised and bleeding and feeling immense pain.
None of that matters now. The decision’s been made, you’ve been cast to the sea, and now you’re going to have to find a new land to call home.
Allow me to help.
In my checkered ad career pinging across the country, I’ve been ‘made available’ three times. Each was painful, but necessary to temper the steel of my resolve and give me the energy to prove those firing bastards wrong.
The fact is, I’m too stubborn and headstrong a man to have ever been happy working for someone else. Clients, I understood– but the Shakespearean characters I met at ad agencies, not so much. I was too entrepreneurial and lousy at playing agency politics. It took me a long while to realize this and some painful lessons, but eventually I learned. Fate has a way of nudging one into course corrections.
There is no getting around the pain of rejection because that’s what being fired is: flat-out rejection. Some live, some die.
You? You’re a casualty. With this economy, companies are dropping bodies like the Mafia hitting the mattresses. It’s not personal (even if your ego says it is).
It doesn’t matter, what’s done is done. Mourn, grieve, wallow in self despair, throw your ego a pity party, vent your spleen, spew venom, ooze bitterness and exhaust your frustrations and quell your rage. There, there, yes, you deserved better, you poor dear. You deserved much, much better!
Now, put on your big boy or girl pants, take an adult pill and get on with it. Chances are you weren’t ecstatic in your job anyway (were you?). Maybe deep down you always knew it wasn’t the right place for you, a good place for you. Well congratulations, chum, you just got another lottery ticket. Let’s do better this time, shall we?
Where to start your job hunt? Let’s make a checklist to keep things organized (20 seems a good number).
1. File for unemployment. It’s depressing, humbling, ego-shattering and terribly humiliating–– but the pay is worth it.
2. Look inside before looking outside. Before you start a job hunt, start with yourself. Spend some time and really think about what you want. What makes you happy? What frustrates you? What conditions help you excel? What conditions force you to you fail? What excites you, energizes you, gives you a feeling of accomplishment? What erodes your soul and saddens your heart? Let’s avoid those, shall we?
There is much to think about, and now is the time to think about it. It’s time to rearrange the furniture in your head– those notions that you always bump into, those past behavioral patterns that constantly trip you—now is the time for you to think about product YOU.
Remember your glory days and celebrate them.
3 Recount your successes. Write them down in a burst of words, don’t edit, just flow. This isn’t for publication; this is for your subconscious to give your consciousness a wake-up call. Give yourself some pats on the back. Perch yourself on the ledge of the convertible and do a parade wave as you recall past accomplishments. Let your ego drive slowly, avoid book depository buildings and enjoy the ride.
4. Now that you’re feeling better, more confident, start working on your resume. Make it interesting. Pepper it with action verbs, attach numbers (if possible) to your accomplishments. Make it sound human, engaging, vital. Imagine the type of boss you want to work for. Imagine what type of person that person would want to hire (you’ve have thought about this, haven’t you?). Be that person (your future boss) and write to that person.
5. If you’re a creative person, pull together your best samples. Show the work that you love, the work that reflects your talent, sensibilities, creativity, humanity and personality. Don’t be afraid to show unproduced work if it’s better than much of your produced stuff. Great ideas trump all. Show your best and let it be your litmus test for your job hunt. If you love it and the person you’re interviewing with hates it, you have a good barometer that you may not enjoy working together. A wise CD once told me it’s a lot easier to find people who share your tastes rather than trying to fight people into sharing your vision. Your work is a reflection of you, use it to protect yourself from a bad fit.
6. Avoid the stench of ‘misunderstood genius.’Creative people go through a natural maturation process. Many of us believe everything we do is brilliant and if it does not get produced it’s because of idiot creative directors or lousy clients or stupid focus groups. These people are misunderstood geniuses who somehow are being rejected by an imbecilic world. While most good creative people grow out of this phase, some unfortunately never do. They stew in bitterness and resentment and frankly are a complete drag to have around. You’re not one of them, are you?
7. Don’t carry a portfolio of excuses. There is nothing sadder than someone presenting work that needs justification for why it isn’t very good. No one wants to hear “my hack creative director watered the idea down” or “the client took the heart out of the concept” or “the director really didn’t get the idea.” Frankly, no one cares. It’s your work and you control what you show–– if you don’t like the finished product don’t show it. Or better yet, show unproduced work that you love that has not been tainted by the outside world. Don’t have any of that either? Hmm, maybe it’s time you considered another career. Seriously.
8. Think geography. Although it sounds basic, many people begin a job hunt without answering a very simple question: Where would you like to live and work? What places are deal breakers? Narrow your search by narrowing your geographical search. If a city interests you, learn all bout the places there you’d like to work, write letters and make calls and arrange a city visit, on your nickel. It’s an investment in your career that shows determination, interest, grit, passion and all those good things potential employers eat up.
Network– because we're all connected, baby
9. Network like mad. Don’t think that want ads and Monster and Talent Zoo are the only portals to finding a job. Most jobs never get listed at all. Let people know you’re looking and see where it takes you. Call, write, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Plaxo the world. Plants seeds for success.
10. Talk to headhunters, but don’t think they work for you. Headhunters are paid by employers (if you want to know how business works, always follow the money and it will predict behavior). If a headhunter can make a buck on you, you’re golden– they’ll get your work seen. At that point, your work represents you. If it’s liked, you should get an interview. But headhunters are not in the business of trying to sell candidates. If your work is summarily and continually rejected, headhunters will not be enamored with you. It’s just like realtors selling property. Some properties are hot, some are not. The best way to think of headhunters is like a hunting guide. They can turn you onto something you may not have found otherwise. Headhunters should be a prong of your job hunting attack plan, but not your sole weapon. It’s easy to be lazy about your job hunt, and laziness will ensure you’ll be hunting a long, long time.
11. Research the places you’d love to work. Chances are you have a list of dream places you’d love to call home. Are they hiring? Who knows and who cares? You’re job is to get an interview. Even if they’re not hiring, you want to be known by them because things change fast and they may need you some day. The more people you know, the better your chances. Get to know as many people as possible and ask them for referrals to other people. Nothing is better than being able to drop a name and open another door. Networking is a beautiful thing and it really works.
12. Act like an ad pro and treat yourself like a product that is desirable, essential and must be bought. This sounds so basic but it is a tragic mistake way too many people (who should know better) make: be interesting, engaging and compelling in all your communications. All that stuff you’ve learned about advertising, guess what– it applies to you when you’re job hunting. A boring letter for yourself is like a boring product ad. A chest-thumping tirade for yourself is a self-serving ad for a product. THINK: what is this person looking for, how can I help them? Be creative, charming, intriguing and persuasive. Write like a human not a thesaurus. Focus your communications on them, and for God’s sake, be smart about it. Research the company, the person, the clients. Be a sleuth. Know their business, learn as much as you can about the people with hiring power, read everything you can about their market situation, competition, challenges, everything. Then use all those great ad skills you’ve mastered and write some great ads (letters, e-mails, voicemails, etc.) for your terrific product–– you.
13. Follow up. Give a time when you’ll follow up with a call to arrange an interview. Presumptuous? Sure, but you want to show eagerness, enthusiasm and interest. Then CALL at the appointed hour. Follow through with your follow up. To quote Hunter S. Thompson, “Chase them like rats across the tundra.” Yes, you will meet resistance and rejection–but you will also open a few doors. Remember: nothing happens until you knock.
14. Freelance. You have skills that are worth money, so try your hand at freelancing. This is a Trojan Horse strategy to job hunting. People are often much more likely to talk to a freelancer than a job hunter because they are buying chunks of time for talent, not the whole person. So try and get your work seen as a freelancer and let it be known you could be interested in a full time gig for the right company (the soldiers sit quietly in the horse’s belly). The beautiful part about freelancing is it gives you a chance to test drive an agency (it works the same way for them testing you), and you make money while you’re doing it.
Rejection happens. Get over it and keep going.
15. Gird your loins and put yourself out there. Most people hate job hunting for one simple reason: rejection. And rejection sucks big time. Well, there’s no getting around it, you cannot win the lottery without a ticket and you won’t find a job without effort, so get over it and play the game. Many people want to play defense on a job hunt, leave it to the headhunter to act as their agent. If your work’s that good and you’re that fortunate to make it work, you’re lucky. Most people have to do more work. So write the letters, make the calls, augment and alter your attack plans and messaging. Remember, this is a campaign, for you. It’s organic; reflect and change as needed but for goodness sake, keep at it. Persistence and perseverance will win, eventually.
16. Interview when you interview. Too many job hunters act like a guest on David Letterman when they go on an interview. They wait for the questions and give their answers. They play defense. The silly fools. Yes, you will be asked questions, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions, too. Prepare some smart questions (you have done a ton of research on the company, client and person you’re interviewing with, I hope). Be interested and curious. Rather than a job interrogation, have a conversation. Learn about working styles, interests, passions, ambitions, direction, whatever you’d like to know more about. Be genuinely interested because this is someone you will be a spending a lot of time with (if you get hired). This is someone who can make your life better or worse. The person deserves some notice, don’t you think?
17. Be honest. Really honest. Don’t B.S. whoever you’re interviewing with. Smart people can spot it and less-than-smart people may take you at your word, only to be disappointed later when they find out whatever you said wasn’t true. Besides, why lie about something this important? Be true to yourself in what you like, what you don’t like and want from a working environment. Honesty is your best protection against getting into a bad fit or a hunk o’ hell. Honestly.
18. Be positive. Talk, be open, caring, empathetic, curious, inquisitive, genuine, cordial and pleasant. No need to torch bridges or spew angry bile about where you worked or the numbskulls you worked with. Try to look forward, not dwell on the angry past (it’s like trying to drive a car while looking only in the rear view mirror). You’ll have plenty of time to wallow in your sorrowful past later (should you choose to, hopefully you won’t). For now, you want to get hired. No one, and I do mean no one, wants to be around a miserable bitter bastard. Imagine that.
19. Niceness counts. Someone took some time out of his/her busy day to spend time and talk with you. Do the right thing and thank that special person for the courtesy. In an age where everyone is overworked and over-scheduled you should be genuinely appreciative to those who made time for you. Besides, good manners mean a lot and will score you brownie points. There’s nothing wrong with that if it results in gainful employment, right?
20. Be a shark. Sharks pretty much have to be in constant motion to live. Think like a shark in your job hunt. Be organized, methodical, systematic, creative and persistent. You’ve got to keep at it, digging deeper and experimenting to get yourself out there, known, loved and hired. This crappy economy will thin the herd of weaklings. Step up, sharkie, and keep hunting until you get your fill.
And for goodness sake, try and enjoy yourself. I used to work with a talented art director who’d say, “If it were easy, it’d be easy.” True enough. Job hunting isn’t easy. Learn, improvise and enjoy the ride.
A sad day. The best second fiddle in show biz, Mr. Ed McMahon, crossed over the line of the living at age 86.
Growing up, Ed was the quintessential sidekick to Johnnie Carson on “The Tonight Show”… his was the voice that forever hard-wired “Heeeeeeere’s Johnnie!” into the gray matter of millions.
He gave softball-sized joke set-up lobs to Johnnie, and had a laugh that was infectious. He was the original celebrity who was famous for being famous.
I have a soft spot in my heart for Ed because if not for him, I would not have achieved the success in my career I have. Hmm, sounds like story time…
A face that could sell anything, or anyone.
Back in the early 80’s, Ed McMahon was the spokesperson for Publisher’s Clearinghouse. His face was plastered on all kinds of incessant direct mail pieces that blanketed anyone with a pulse. A standard part of the direct mail package was a letter with a picture of Ed in the corner. Under the picture of a smiling Ed were the immortal words “From The Desk of Ed McMahon”.
The letter from Ed told of the great opportunity to win the fantabulous Publisher’s Clearinghouse and the incredible savings available on all your favorite magazines. This letter and Ed’s persona pimping Publisher’s Clearinghouse was a cultural cliche. And I stole it to help sell myself.
I cut out the picture of Ed and “From The Desk of Ed McMahon” and I wrote a letter of endorsement for a young copywriter. The letter began, “My name’s Ed McMahon and although I don’t usually make endorsements, I’m writing to tell you about a terrific copywriter named Patrick Scullin…”
It went on and on about how he’d met me at a party he was at with Frank Sinatra, Marlon Brando, The Pope and Sammy Davis, Jr., and how they were talking about how they hated name droppers.
It had stupid gags like that and it sold pretty hard on my skills as an ad writer. Well, the letter worked like crazy opening the doors of good agencies. Unfortunately my portfolio was full of hatefully bad ads. Still, the letter gave hope there was some talent lurking in me somewhere, and my ability to shill for myself demonstrated I might have what it takes to be a good adman.
At the time I wrote this letter, I had five years experience working at mediocre agencies and for The Clyde Beatty-Cole Bros. Circus as an advance man. With this letter, I finally got a break. I was hired at a terrific agency– The Richards Group in Dallas. I learned a lot, grew a lot, met my wife and began down a career path that had me pinging across the country (like I was in the Witness Protection Program) working at some of the best agencies in the land.
I have Ed to thank for my big break. Well, Ed and my sleazy ability to shamelessly vampire off his face and fame.
This past Tuesday, President Barack Obama was giving a television interview while being persistently bugged by a buzzing fly. The obnoxious insect landed on the President’s official arm and the Commander in Chief proceeded to swat and kill it. The media ate up the story of the ninja-like reactions of Obama, but all were not impressed. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) officials expressed outrage at the President’s action.
The tragic consequence of a Presidential encounter.
“It was one of the cruelest, most inhumane acts I’ve ever witnessed,” said Daniel Wurtkingle, a PETA activist in Washington, D.C., “Obama flat-out murdered that defenseless, innocent housefly in cold blood.” As Mr. Wurtkingle’s eyes filled with tears, a cockroach scampered across his left arm. He looked on, nonplussed.
“That fly may have been a father, grandfather or even great grandfather. Or, it could have been a female. We’ll never know, will we? It’s dead,” Mr. Wurtkingle said, “and I don’t believe it got a proper burial service. I think it was simply wadded up in a Kleenex and thrown in the trash. No coffin, no protective vault, no tombstone. Just indignant cruel and unjustified death at the hands of a global superpower,” Mr. Wurtkingle began sobbing as four mosquitos landed on his face and began sipping his lifeblood.
Mr. Wurtkingle dabbed at his tears being careful not to upset the mosquitos as they ate. Three large rats entered the room and began chewing on the flesh of Mr. Wurtkingle’s left leg. He looked down and sighed heavily. “I just don’t know why the President had to murder that poor, poor fly.”
A vulture landed on Mr. Wurtkingle’s shoulder and began to dine on him. He smiled, sadly. “Could I get an Excedrin here, maybe?”
A designer named Kris Todd with entirely too much time on his hands created this scene of a blacksmithing squirrel (if you’re clueless as to why anyone would do such a thing, take a nonstop trip to “About da Blog” above and get in the know).
Oh, you industrious lil' rodent, you– shoe my horse!
He/she’s a real beaut, Kris. Thanks and keep collecting lint!
