Author: PD Scullin

GOP Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance got all gussied up this week for his debate with everyman Democratic V.P. nominee Tim Walz.

Vance even went to Sephora for some new Lancôme mascara and eyeliner for the special occasion. His sugar daddy, Peter Thiel, bought him a brand new tailormade Italian suit costing $4,800.

Walz bought a new set of fancy dress duds at Jos. A. Banks during its BUY ONE SUIT, GET THREE FREE sale. The fight was on.

The men shook hands, and the moderators, Norah O’Donnell and Margaret Brennan, “had the outrageous audacity to fact-check me,” according to Vance.

“No fair,” he whined afterward. “I’m up there trying to gaslight America, working to sell bullshit like Trump saved Obamacare, January 6 was no biggie, Trump left office peacefully, and illegal immigrants are eating pets in Springfield, Ohio–– but those meanies fact-checked me on the illegal immigrants thing. They said the people were here legally. While that may be true, it ruined my lying and made me look bad to the bossman. Facts are the absolute worst when it comes to debating.”

Walz toasted Vance at the debate’s end when he asked if he believed Trump won the 2020 election.

“I’m thinking about the future, Tim,” Vance said. “Not the past.” He then pointed off-stage. “Hey, look––squirrel!” The camera stayed on his face, and he sobbed as his mascara began running. “Why didn’t anyone look?”

It was quite a night. Now, America can choose which truth they want to live with.

“Trust us,” Vance says reassuringly. “We’re honest. I swear to God!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Felonious Trump is at it again.

The man behind countless scams and grifts promises that if elected, he will be the country’s “FIRST ALL CAPS PRESIDENT.”

What does that mean? The Lint Screen recently exchanged messages with the criminal on his social media scam, ironically called Truth Social. A transcript follows.

TLS: Tell America why you should be president again.

DJT: BECAUSE I WAS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME. EVERYONE SAID THAT.

TLS: Who?

DJT: EVERYONE KNOWS TRUMP WAS THE BEST. I HAD THE GREATEST ECONOMY, I BUILT THE WALL AND KEPT ILLEGAL CRIMINALS AND MANIACS OUT, AND THE PETS WERE SAFE. I KEPT SPRINGFIELD SAFE. THERE WAS NO CRIME AND EVERYONE WAS RICH. VERY, VERY RICH. GAS WAS ONLY A QUARTER A GALLON, GROCERIES COSTS NOTHING. THEY WERE FREE THANKS TO TRUMP. THERE WERE NO WARS BECAUSE I DID MY TEXT MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND EVERYONE WAS AFRAID TO GET ME ANGRY SO THEY DIDN’T TRY ANYTHING. THEY KNEW TRUMP MEANT BUSINESS. I GOT PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST. THEY SAID THAT COULDN’T BE DONE BUT I DID IT.

TLS: You do know that’s all false, don’t you?

DJT: I MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. NO ONE’S EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT. THERE WERE NO TAXES. EVERYONE HAD NEW HOUSES AND CARS, THE STOCK MARKET WAS SKY HIGH, INCREDIBLY HIGH

TLS: Now you’re just getting preposterous.

DJT: I WAS FRIENDS WITH PUTIN, LITTLE ROCKET MAN, THE ARAB GUYS IN ROBES, ORBAN, XI, YOU NAME IT––THEY ALL LOVED ME BECAUSE THEY FEARED ME BECAUSE I MIGHT WRITE AN ALL CAPS MESSAGE AND

TLS: No. I think they thought you were a useful idiot.

DJT: NO ONE CAN IGNORE MY ALL-CAPS TEXTS… IT’S LIKE I’M SHOUTING, AND NO ONE ONE WANTS TO HEAR TRUMP SHOUTING AT THEM

TLS: Right. I’m turning off my iPhone now.

DJT: AND MY APPROVAL RATING WAS 100% AND…

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Crazy conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer has been the recent sidekick of felon GOP presidential candidate disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump. They sat in The Lint Screen offices and discussed the importance of the 2024 election.

“If I don’t get elected, this country is over,” the man in the red MAGA hat said. “Everyone will die painfully.”

“It will be catastrophic,” Loomer agreed. “Like when the Martians invaded the world and took all the world’s gold reserves.”

“All those dangerous thugs Biden invited from foreign countries,” the overweight old guy said, “they’re all getting very hungry. They’re not only eating dogs, cats, and geese in Springfield–– now they’re starting to eat humans. American citizens. They’re eating their flesh. No one’s ever seen anything like it.”

“The whole thing is awful,” the wild-eyed Looney said. “Innocent people are getting eaten by all the maniacs, rapists, and killers the Democrats let in. These people are going to destroy the country. It’s the worst crisis this country has seen since minorities got the right to vote.”

“But it’s not just the cannibals,” the senior walrus said. “Kama-la-la-whatever-her-name-is is also unleashing flying monkeys to kill Americans.”

“It’s just like in The Wizard of Oz,” the delusional alarmist said. “Everyone thought it was made up, but that movie was actually a documentary. Look it up on Google! Dorothy died in 1969. She was killed by an escaped tiger in Malaysia. It was horrible.”

“Dorothy was a very good person,” the leering man added. “She could sing like an angel. Such a voice. She was young and perky. I like that. So young. Had a thing for rainbows. By the way, The Wicked Witch was a Democrat––most people don’t know that, but it’s true. That’s why she was so evil. All Democrats are evil, and they’re trying to get me killed. They don’t want Trump to save America and make it great again.”

“If people don’t vote Trump/Vance, it’s curtains for all of us. It’s a death sentence. We’ll be nothing but bones picked up by flying monkeys and dropped into the ocean–– which is drinkable water, but Democrats don’t want people to know that.”

“Don’t make me take The White House by force. I will be president whether America likes it or not.”

“He’s my hero,” she says, snuggling against his arm. “Will you do one of your famous weaves for me, sugar babe?”

“Of course, snookums.”

This reporter choked back sick, as he ran to the bathroom.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump thinks tonight’s debate will prove his qualifications for a return to The Oval Office.

“Look at me,” he told reporters. “I’m a giant. I must be 7′ 10” tall—maybe eight or nine feet. I could play in the NBA if they didn’t have a race restriction. And how tall’s Kambalalaloo? She’s maybe a foot or thirteen inches tall on a good day. Harris can’t be on the world stage––she’d get stomped.”

Trump believes his superior height gives him an automatic pass to win the 2024 Presidential election.

“The Constitution clearly says, “‘Let the tallest man win,’” the addled senior claims. “And Harris isn’t even a man. Not unless she’s had a sex change, which many people are saying is very possible. Democrats like changing their sex all the time. They change sexes like their clothes. Nobody knows what’s going on between their legs. It’s awful. A disgrace. No one’s ever seen anything like it.”

The GOP cult leader is looking forward to tonight’s debate on ABC.

“Even though ABC has always been very unfair to me,” he bellyaches, “they won’t be able to hide the fact I’m much taller than her. And what else do voters need to know? Vote Trump! He’s much, much taller. Very much taller!!!”

The con man smiles.

“I’m also taller than Lincoln,” he says. “A not-so-good president. Very overrated.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

It seems like GOP V.P. candidate JD Vance can’t catch a break these days.

“The media’s out to get me,” Vance tells The Lint Screen, perhaps the world’s only trusted fake news source. “Harris and Walz call me weird. Well, let me tell you something; they’re the weird ones,” JD says as he stuffs a live chipmunk into his pants.

Vance had made headlines recently following the tragic shooting in a Georgia school that left two students and two teachers dead.

“Kids and guns, what the heck are you going to do?” he asks casually. “They go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise. Plus, firearms make great gifts at Christmas. I grew up in a house with lots of loaded weapons, and I turned out fine. The real problem in schools is the libraries. We need more book censorship to keep our kids safe. There’s no telling what could happen if a kid reads the wrong thing we haven’t approved.”

Vance was also lambasted for saying that grandparents should be more involved in raising their grandchildren.

“People can’t expect the government to help raise their kids,” he says. “We’ve got to get these lazy grandparents out of their easy chairs and take care of the next generation. Aunts and uncles, too. Mom and Dad need more free time to work a few jobs and make ends meet so we can give hefty tax breaks to the wealthy and corporations for stock buybacks. That’s how you boost the economy so the wealth trickles down for everyone!”

Finally, JD takes great umbrage at those who thought his recent order in a donut shop was unnatural.

“That was totally unfair,” he says, applying mascara and tangerine lip gloss. “I love those balls of fat fried in hot grease. I do! Let me be clear: I approve of the holed and un-holed varieties, okay? And I like the glazed round ones, the sprinkly things, and whatever else makes sense for human being consumption.”

Vance takes a deep breath and purses his lips.

“There’s nothing weird about me or President Trump,” he says. “We’re a couple of normal ostriches–– this is an expression, right?”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Pennsylvanians were recently treated to over a 90-minute speech by convicted felon and sexual assaulter GOP presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.

“The lamestream media says I ramble in my speeches,” Trump told his captivated audience. “They’re too stupid to understand. I talk about one thing, and then another. And another and another and another and another and another. Then, I weave them all together. Like a beautiful talk tapestry. What a great album that was. Carole King is related to Nat King Cole and King Crab. Most people don’t know that. I’m so smart.”

Trump pointed to his head.”Very smart,” he continued. “But Commie-a-Lotta-Big-Lots, she can’t do what I do. She wants to kill Americans. Kill you and your family. She’s not so nice. A nasty woman. Very nasty. People come up to me all the time with tears in their eyes, and they say, ‘Sir, thank you for saving America. We love you. You are the best president ever, much better than Lincoln.’ I bet old Abe wished he didn’t go to plays so much.” He smiles.

“My uncle taught at M.I.T. A brilliant man. Smarter than Einstein or Musk. He invented gravity, my uncle, and push-up bras, plus those little plastic floss sticks and many other things. Many, many things. Amazing inventions. I asked him once why sharks don’t like electricity, and he was amazed. ‘No one’s ever asked me that before. What a brilliant question, Donald. I don’t know why sharks don’t like electricity.’ He shook his head. I stumped him. But I’ll tell you one thing–– I’m much smarter than a shark. But I wouldn’t want a shark in my pool. I could kill him with enough chlorine. I’m an excellent swimmer. I could have won many races in the Olympics, but I’m not such a fan of France. President Macaroon. He’s not so great. But I do like his cookies. Very tasty. They should make coconut milkshakes. That’s a billion-dollar idea, McDonald’s. You’re welcome. I am a genius businessman. I don’t like figs. Worst food ever. You give me a Fig Newton, and I’ll stamp on it. Hate them…”

He babbled for another 87 minutes, weaving away, and then he treated his fans to some dance moves.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.