PD Scullin

“If Zelensky doesn’t apologize quickly, on worldwide TV, we will have to nuke what’s left of his country,” Vance said. “He never should have picked on Russia in the first place, and America has always stood up to bullies like Zelensky. We must protect our trusted allies like President Putin. He believes in our country so much that he bought a bunch of President Trump’s meme coins, $TRUMP. A huge amount. That’s what a true ally does–he supports his friend. It’s your move, Zelensky. Beg forgiveness and buy a stash of $TRUMP. Don’t make us mushroom cloud you.”

“Women naturally love me,” he says, tipping his black MAGA cap. “I have a fantastic personality, ooze charisma, got more money than God, fashion model looks, and I’m a lot of fun to be around. Like President Trump, I firmly believe in Christian family values. One day, I even hope to meet some of my children. At least the kids who will talk to me.”

Felon President Donald Trump is outraged by “the horrible, illegal land grab Zelensky made” and wants justice. “Zelensky’s a thief,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Putin was living peacefully in Russia, a big, beautiful country, and Zelensky stole a large chunk of Russia and called it his own. No one’s ever seen such an aggressive … Read more

“Lil X is a wild child,” Musk says. “I couldn’t find a sitter on short notice. Plus, they’re so expensive––some want like twenty, twenty-two bucks an hour! Who can afford that?! So, I decided to bring the kid with me. It was all very innocent and kind of fun.”

“Boy, I am getting somewhat peeved,” an almost emotional Schumer told The Lint Screen. “President Trump and Musk are doing all sorts of shenanigans, many of which are damaging to our country and citizens. It’s something else, and someone should do something about it.” Schumer wipes his brow.

“President Trump learned from his first term about the inefficiencies of government,” Miller explains. “Someone came up with the stupid idea of a system of three separate and equal branches–– the executive, legislative, and judicial. We learned that this arrangement is cumbersome and unworkable when you are trying to fix a horribly broken, shithole country like ours. So this time, government’s much simpler.”