The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • “Democracies must surrender to our overlords,” says Carlson

    “Democracies must surrender to our overlords,” says Carlson

    The Tuckernator says it’s time to call it a day and accept autocratic leadership

    Tucker Carlson, the enraged boy toy of Fox News and the most popular commentator in Russia, says it’s time we all surrendered to strong rulers.

    The Lint Screen has obtained his upcoming commentary and reprints it here in its entirety. Read how the Tuckman lays out his case. Enjoy!

    CARLSON: “Why are we so afraid of change? Is it human nature, or is it just our silly stubbornness? I think it’s high time we finally faced the hard, cold facts–– liberal democracies don’t work.

    The problem with democracies is they allow too many voices to express their opinions. And too often, these opinions are from the wrong kind of people. You know the ones I’m talking about–– people who don’t look like you or me. It could be their skin color, or their religion, or their radical political beliefs. But they are ‘the others’, and they want to have a say in how we live our lives. They demand it!!!

    This is dangerous, and because of their outrageous recklessness in stealing our American presidential election, loyal patriots like the ones on January 6th had to take decisive action. Good people were forced to storm The Capitol and beat the crap out of cops and other so-called authority figures who didn’t share our beliefs. Our values. They deserved what they got!

    And guess what? The lamestream media tries to make these red-blooded, fair-skinned patriots look like they’re the bad guys.

    But are they? Really? Why?

    Is it because these brave patriots believe in strongmen like Donald J. Trump or Vladimir Putin? Because they want authoritarian, brilliant, charismatic leaders to make their decisions for them? Because they know these men know what’s best for the country, their lives, and they will keep the others the hell out of our countries so we can live in peace and harmony?

    We can go on living with division, with people who think they know what’s best, but that is a recipe for suicide. The best approach is a proven one–– give all power to our masters. Our betters. We must and should surrender to our overlords. They are the ones God put here to lead us. They are our de facto Moses who will lead us to The Promised Land.

    A wise man once said too many cooks spoil the broth, and that’s what we see every day in America and Ukraine. Well– I, for one, am sick and tired of seeing angry people who don’t look like me demanding to be heard, bellyaching for equal representation and justice under the law. They even want free and fair elections, for crying out loud!

    But aren’t those all outdated and fanciful notions? Aren’t those the exact recipe for anarchy and awfulness? Who needs it?!

    I say it’s time we make a wise choice. The only choice, really. Give Europe to Putin, Asia to Xi, the Americas to Trump. These three wise men will rule our world. In the Bible, three wise men came bearing gifts for our Savior in the manger. And now, these three modern wise men come bearing gifts to save humanity.

    Surrender, fools. It’s the only sensible thing to do. The game is over. Get in line. The disobedient will pay the price, and that price will be high, and paid in blood.

    It’s time we bowed to our overlords and enjoyed their glorious reigns.”

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • GOP rewrites American history reducing guilt and shame for kids

    Black people enjoyed full employment thanks to America’s generosity.

    Because children are our most precious assets (after gold, Bitcoin, and Beyonce NFTs), The Republican Party has taken decisive action to protect kids from the terrible emotional damages caused by history books in school.

    “We don’t want our little ones to feel guilt and shame,” says Kyle Eastman, the head of the Florida Concerned Parents Association. “And the current history books are very depressing––reading them sends our innocent children into horrific shame spirals. That’s just not right! So, we’ve done the good Christian thing and written American History books we believe will help our children learn about our glorious past and feel good about our bright future under President Donald J. Trump.”

    Here is an excerpt from Eastman’s book OUR GREAT AMERICAN HISTORY OF SERVING GLORY TO GOD:

    “Chapter 1: In the beginning, white people came to save America

    Long, long ago, people called The Pilgrims got on ships in England and sailed across the ocean to a new land called “America.” When they arrived, The Pilgrims met The Indians who were very happy to see them because they did not know about God. When Thanksgiving came, the Pilgrims and Indians had a great feast to honor the Christian God, and a wonderful tradition began!

    The Indians really liked the Pilgrims a lot and gave them the land they were living on. “All we ask in return,” they said, “are some small plots of land where we can live. And let us operate casinos. You can have the rest of America to make great.”

    Chapter 2: White people helping black people

    The Pilgrims were happy about their new gift, and they wanted to share the generosity that had been shown to them by the Indians. So, the new Americans went to Africa and saw poor black people struggling. The Americans asked the Africans if they would like to go to a land with lots of jobs and free room and board, and the black people said, “Sure, that would be great! Would you also please teach us about your Christian God?” The Americans agreed and the black people got on ships for a free ride to America.

    And over time, lots more African people came to America because life here was so good!

    Then the greedy British tried to steal America, but George Washington fought them, licked them but good, and sent them back home. Goodbye, England! Mind your beeswax!

    Now America was officially our country, fair and square.

    Chapter 3: Black people have lots of jobs, plus free food and housing

    As time went on, more white people came over from Europe to live in America, and more black people enjoyed lots of jobs and free places to eat and sleep. Everything was going very well until an evil man named Abraham Lincoln became president. Lincoln wanted black people to lose their jobs, free food, and shelter. The good Christian people in the Southern states didn’t want that to happen. They wanted to keep feeding and housing the poor black people and allow them to enjoy their good jobs.

    Chapter 4: Abe Lincoln destroys paradise

    Lincoln became angry. Old Abe was a hothead! He did not believe in the rights of people––Lincoln wanted the government to make all the decisions for Americans. So, he assembled a big army and attacked the good southerners for no reason.

    It was a bloody war with lots of dead soldiers, and Lincoln told all the black people that they could leave their jobs and homes and go wherever they wanted, even though they were thrilled with their good jobs and comfortable homes.

    Lincoln ruined everything, and he paid the price when he got shot in the head. Later, some bad people would say ordinary good people should not have guns!!! Even though it says so in The Bible!!!”

    WE DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO PRINT ANY MORE OF THE BOOK DUE TO NANNY-STATE COPYRIGHT LAWS.

    ———————————————————————————————-

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • GOP censures Cheney, Kinzinger “For exhibiting integrity and character”

    Rep. Liz Cheney and Rep. Adam Kinzinger are shamed by The Republican Party

    Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump’s Republican Party will not stand for traitors to his cause.

    The Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel tells The Lint Screen, “Representatives Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger are dirty stinkin’ rats, and we must flush them out of our sewer.”

    So, her group took action against them to show their repulsion. The RNC voted to censure Cheney and Kinzinger, the only GOP politicians sitting on The Democratic Party witch hunt called The January 6 Committee Investigating the Capitol Invasion.

    “We can’t and won’t support people like that,” McDaniel says. “Cheney and Kinzinger have shown gross negligence by exhibiting outdated behaviors like honesty, integrity, and character. Through their rebellious actions, these wild card zealots of justice have shown their irrational adherence to the rule of law and the unyielding belief in upholding the United States Constitution. This will not stand. There is no place for people like Cheney and Kinzinger in today’s Republican Party!“

    The RNC also officially has re-labeled Trump’s January 6 coup attempt to be “a minor protest, and absolutely no big deal. Nothing really.”

    “We fully support the position of President Trump,” McDaniel pledges. “He was the greatest president ever and was cheated out of the election. We don’t have any proof, but we just know it’s true. If he says so, we must make it so!”

    And so it goes with today’s GOP.

    ———————————————————————————————-

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • “Confiscate voting machines, I know I won,” Trump declared

    Trump wanted to impound all voting machines and prove he won.

    Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump couldn’t believe he possibly lost the 2020 Presidential Election to Joe Biden.

    “I don’t know a single person who voted for Biden,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “I was protecting democracy when I made plans for the military to confiscate voting machines after the election. I was still president until January 20, so I was within my rights to do that and get to the bottom of Biden’s evil coup against me. The American people wanted justice. That’s why so many patriots stormed the Capitol!“

    Trump bristles at the notion that directing the confiscation of voting machines by the military was trying to overturn a free and fair election.

    “There is nothing fair about me losing,” he says. “It was impossible for me to lose. I have never lost. Not once. Every business deal I ever did was the best. Every phone call I’ve ever made was perfect. Every woman I ever slept with said I was the most amazing lover they had ever had. An incredible lover, they said. Ivanka loves me more than life itself. Don Jr. wants to be just like his daddy, but he can’t. He’s a loser. And Eric, well, Eric wants to be either a cowboy or a fireman when he grows up, but that crazy kid loves me a lot too.”

    Trump believes much of the blame lies with Mike Pence.

    “If Pence had been strong,” the would-be-dictator says, “we could have avoided a lot of the trouble we had after the election. Like Biden taking over the White House. But Pence was a coward. He’s not a real man. Very weak. Mike didn’t save America. And now look at the awful problems we have––the worst economy in history, a horrible pandemic, big rats biting babies in their cribs, and hungry lions, tigers, and bears everywhere, killing people. It’s awful and disgusting. We’ve never seen anything like it. Sad. Biden’s a disaster.”

    The con man is on tour whipping up support for his next attempt to take over the country.

    “Only I can save America,” he says. “I can fix the economy, I invented the vaccine, I can tame rats and wild animals. Everyone says so. And once I get back in power, we won’t have to worry about rigged elections. I promise to get rid of voting machines and Mike Pence.”

    That sounds like a winning campaign slogan.

    ———————————————————————————————-

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Mitch Warns Joe, “Don’t You Dare Pick A Justice”

    Mitch Warns Joe, “Don’t You Dare Pick A Justice”

    McConnell won’t allow President Biden to usurp his powers.

    Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is madder than a banty rooster trapped in a McDonalds’ colorful plastic ball pit playpen.

    “If Joe Biden thinks I’m going to let him pick a Supreme Court Justice,” McConnell tells The Lint Screen, “he’s got another thing coming. He’s only the President of The United States. I’m Mitch goddamn McConnell!”

    The wily politician, who has used chicanery and blatant hypocrisy to block Democrat-appointed Justices and rush through Republican ones, is gearing up for an epic battle in the Senate following the announcement of Justice Stephen Breyer’s retirement in June.

    The man of many necks fears Biden will make a poor choice in picking a replacement on The Supreme Court.

    “Biden said he’d pick a black female Justice when he was running,’ McConnell says, shaking his head. “That’s crazy. The Supreme Court has a black on it right now, plus three women! What the Court needs are some more white men. When are we going to get a say in this country?”

    He smiles yellowed teeth, and continues.

    “Republicans have set a precedent for appointing excellent Supreme Court Justices,” McConnell says. “Neil Gorsuch, and Brett “Chug-A-Lug” Kavanaugh, and Amy Coney Barrett–– these are all excellent examples of people who look good in black robes. They’re also great judges of making important decisions on who gets to control women’s bodies, who have the right to vote, the immense powers corporations have over humans, and making it easier for every citizen to build an arsenal of weapons. We can’t have some Democrat-picked Justice messing up the Court.”

    McConnell says he thinks Biden should be patient.

    “There’s no rush to pick a Justice,” the old Kentuckian warbles. “Let’s wait and see if Republicans can take over the Senate, and then we can get on with the process. We’ll find one of those good judges the Federalist Society tells us to pick. We need our corporate overlords and wild-eye evangelists to steer the fate of American lives. Biden shouldn’t mess up a system that works.”

    Asked for a comment, President Biden said, “You can tell Mitch to shove it. I’m sick and tired of being mister nice guy. Screw him!”

    ———————————————————————————————-

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Hand Puppets Being Used To Lift Trump’s Spirits

    Hand Puppets Being Used To Lift Trump’s Spirits

    Happy puppy hand puppets are helping keep Donald Trump’s spirits high.

    Some people drink alcohol or take drugs when they feel down, but a unique therapy is treating disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump to get him out of the dumps–– a cast of adorable sock puppets.

    The ex-prez has been discouraged with the dozens of legal beagles chasing his tail, his popularity dropping, and now, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis taking aim at Trump’s street cred with the anti-vaxxer kooks.

    “I’ve never seen the big man so gosh darn low,” says Lawrence Tarbait, a longtime friend and sycophant. “Sometimes I’ll see the poor fellow walking the grounds of Mar-a-Lago mumbling to himself and kicking little kids. It’s a pretty tragic sight.”

    Trump’s family has noticed the dramatic change in his demeanor and has taken bold actions to cheer him up.

    “We’ve started Daddy All-Star Theater,” says the vivacious “#1 Hot Daughter” Ivanka Trump. “We had some serfs build a puppet theater so we can put on special plays to lift Daddy’s spirits high! We give him a seat–– it’s a throne, actually–– right up front, and then Jared and I hide behind the stage, slip on our sock puppets, and put on amazing shows. Daddy loves them, and he claps and sings along and has the time of his life.”

    “I’m Ivanka’s husband,” Jared says. “And she loves me very much. She thinks I’m–”

    “Shut the hell up, Jared!” she says, slapping his face hard. “I’m talking to The Lint Screen, a pillar of journalistic integrity.”

    The almost-man cowers to his wife, shielding his face with a red hand print on it.

    “Let’s put on a show for Daddy,” she says behind her dazzling pearly whites. The couple hurries behind the stage as soulless Ted Cruz and craven Kevin McCarthy usher Donald Trump into the room. He sits on his throne and looks with excited anticipation at the stage.

    Here is the script of the performance given at Daddy’s All-Star Theater.

    THE CURTAIN RISES AS FOUR PUPPY SOCK PUPPETS APPEAR, SPEAKING IN HIGH VOICES.

    Mr. Snufflebumps: Donald Trump is the greatest president ever!

    Mr. Tiddlebits: Everyone loves him because he is so very, very smart.

    Mrs. Moppytop: He is the smartest and most handsome man in the world! Every woman wants to sleep with him!

    Mr. Snufflebumps: Even Melania! She wants to have sex with him all the time!

    Mr. Snufflebumps: Every man wishes he was Donald Trump! He is just so fantastic and wonderful!!!

    Mr. Bubbletop: That’s right. And Donald Trump is STILL the president!

    Mr. Tiddlebits: He was cheated out of the election by that mean Joe Biden!

    DONALD TRUMP BOOS!

    Mrs. Moppytop: Joe Biden is old and icky!

    DONALD TRUMP BOOS AND STOMPS HIS FEET!

    Mr. Snufflebumps: Donald Trump is the chosen one.

    Mr. Tiddlebits: God said so––so there!

    Mr. Snufflebumps: And Donald Trump is better than God!

    DONALD TRUMP CHEERS AND CLAPS, ECSTATIC!

    Mrs. Moppytop: Donald Trump should always be happy! And never, ever be sad!

    Mr. Bubbletop: Turn that frown upside down––because Donald Trump is the bestest human being ever!!!

    ALL PUPPETS: We love Donald Trump, we love Donald Trump, we love Donald Trump!!!

    DONALD TRUMP JUMPS UP AND DOWN, CLAPPING, LAUGHING, SMILING.

    …… and, scene.

    ———————————————————————————————-

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.